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To Reconcile or Not to Reconcile

Originally published on November 9, 2011

Earlier this year, my wife Margaret and I decided to homeschool our boys. We agonized over this decision for more than a year, weighing our options and thinking about how to best support our sons as they grow and mature into thoughtful, service-minded, self-sufficient, and emotionally intelligent adults.

When I first mentioned to my parents about a year ago that we were thinking of homeschooling, my father made it clear that he could not accept this decision. He was absolutely certain that homeschooling would destroy our boys' lives, and he wasn't going to sit back and let this happen to his grandsons. He threatened to never see us again unless we sent our boys to school.

Because of his reaction then, upon making the decision to begin homeschooling this year, I thought it would be best not to discuss this with my parents. I knew that they would be upset, and I thought it would be best if they found out after they could see some of the fruits of our efforts with homeschooling.

After learning of our decision, my mom expressed her belief on kids needing to socialize with other kids, and tried to persuade me to re-think our decision. But after listening to our plans and understanding that we are giving our boys plenty of opportunities to socialize with other kids and adults in a safe and healthy way, she said that she would hope for the best, and that she had to trust our efforts.

My father refused to speak to me. Thankfully, he went on a scheduled trip to Korea, so I had a few weeks to peacefully take Margaret and our boys to my parents' place for our regular visits, and life continued as normal.

When he returned, I felt that enough time had elapsed that he would be receptive to having a conversation with me. So I gave him a call and invited him out to lunch, just the two of us to try to better understand one another.

It didn't take long for me to realize that he would not consider our thoughts on homeschooling. As he lost his temper, he told me that I had destroyed our boys' lives, that he would never forgive me, and that I had cheated him. Just before he hung up on me, he screamed that his two grandsons were walking into a burning building.

Sitting at my desk with a dial tone in my ear, I was shaken. It was nothing new to be at the receiving end of my father's wrath, bewildered by not fully understanding why he was so angry. But this time, for reasons I couldn't identify, I felt like he inflicted a permanent wound.

How could he be so certain that he was right and that our decision to homeschool was wrong? Why couldn't he at least consider some of our reasons for homeschooling? And the most difficult thought for me to reflect on: How could he say that he would never forgive me for this decision? As a father of two boys, I simply cannot imagine saying such a thing to either of my sons - to me, it's like telling my boys that I don't care about them.

Over the next couple of weeks, I tried to find peace within. I reflected in solitude and sought counsel from those I'm closest to. I had to believe that there wasn't much I could do about my father's tyrannical approach to dealing with conflict. I had exerted genuine effort to reconcile with him, and he responded by puncturing my heart with his anger. What more could I do?

All of my thinking pointed to one thing: To preserve my health and to protect our boys in the future from my father's inability to resolve conflict in a peaceful and thoughtful way, the right move was to not contact my father and give him the opportunity to make good on his threat to never see us again. Intellectually, this felt right to me.

Over the past two decades, my older sister has been able to approach her relationship with our father with just enough apathy to preserve her health. She decided long ago that her feelings were not a top priority in his life, so she would not make his feelings a top priority in hers. And in knowing her all this time, I can see that this approach works for her. She is happily married, has a fulfilling professional career, and is delighted to be a mom to my treasured niece. She isn't held captive by feelings of sadness or guilt over not having a closer relationship with our father.

This is what I thought I should do as well. To preserve myself and the family that I am raising.

But alas, it didn't take me long to realize that to be indifferent to my father - as much as I sometimes feel his behavior justifies this - is not to preserve my health, but to more quickly erode it. My hard-wiring is different from that of my older sister's. I don't feel more at peace by giving him a stiff arm. I feel more anguish by the day.

Why my hard-wiring is this way, I don't know. He did give me the gift of being confident in my abilities. As a five or six year old, I remember lying beside him in bed while he would list all of the things I was good at. Our times playing catch in the backyard - even the time when I accidentally launched a ball through a basement window - are bittersweet for me - bitter because I was always one mistake away from his disapproval, and sweet because nothing felt as good as seeing my father proud of my abilities. Maybe these and other similar memories that are deeply embedded into my grey matter are responsible for me not having the mechanism that my older sister has to cut off when indicated and move forward.

Bottom line: Indifference wasn't working. So I decided that to care for myself and those who are affected by my health status (mainly Margaret, our boys, and my mom), I needed to find a way to reconcile with my father. With this goal in mind, I turned to the one thing that I have found to be consistently effective in soothing my own hurt feelings: I tried to get into my father's head.

Physically, he is all of his 69 years of living. But emotionally, he is still the seventh of eight siblings growing up in Korea, emotionally and physically neglected in almost every way.

When my father thinks of school, I imagine that he remembers sitting at attention with his friends in class, thirsting to please their teachers and earn top grades. I think he remembers being able to talk and joke freely with his peers during recess, something that was impossible at home around his parents, where children of that generation and culture didn't have an open invitation to make requests or bring up their own ideas in front of their father. To him, going to school was liberating. It was a place where he could learn, hope, and dream.

Being the ultra conservative and oddly sentimental chap that he is, my father assumes that public school in western society today is an oasis that provides the same blend of salvation and guidance that school gave him as a child in post-war Korea.

And being the father of his own family, though he recognizes that his children grew up in Canada, he expects my sisters and I to show him the same respect that he gave to his parents, which is to say that he tends to get massively offended whenever we don't think to consult with him before making any major decisions, even those involving our own children. As a seventh child who received so little attention, what he craves most is respect, and when he feels disrespected by his children, he loses his temper.

Even today, Korean culture is such that when all of us sit down to eat together, none of us dares lift up a spoon or chopsticks until our father has eaten his first mouthful. In traditional Korean families, the father is King. Though he doesn't necessarily relish everyday displays of subservience, he expects them and accepts them as normal, just as the rest of us do.

Marinating in these and other thoughts gave me the strength I needed to call him one more time. It wasn't an easy conversation, but a conversation it was.

Ultimately, I knew that he desperately missed seeing his grandsons. I also knew that he would not change his stance on public vs. homeschooling. He made it clear that he knew he was right, and that he had zero interest in hearing our thoughts on why we decided to homeschool for now.

As frustrated as I was with his stance, my goal was to make it possible for him and my mom to visit and spend time with their grandsons. So I repeatedly emphasized that I understood that his stance was out of his love and concern for our boys. I stressed that Margaret and I have hopes and dreams for our boys, just as he does. I told him that I understood that he felt that we were going to fail, and I asked him to try to trust us and to hope that our efforts turn out to be good for our sons.

It was an hour-long conversation, one that he tried to end several times. It was almost as though he knew that he could blow at any moment.

And then, close to the end, he blurted out his main grievance. He said that I destroyed his dream.

"What was your dream, dad?"

"It was to move up to your neighborhood, hold each of my grandson's hands as I walk them to school, watch them go into their classrooms for the day, and then in the afternoon, to go and greet them after class and walk them home. That was my dream, and you took it away from me."

So this is why in our earlier conversation he angrily accused me of cheating him. I had cheated him of this dream.

I was thoroughly exasperated. I wanted to tell him that this was one of ten thousand examples of his self-centeredness. It's good to have dreams, and I'm glad that you love your grandsons this much, but you ripped my heart up because all you could focus on was your dream? These are our boys, and we have dreams, too, dreams for them, and this is why we as their parents are making the sacrifice of homeschooling our sons.

I wanted to holler this. But I knew all too well from experience that if I raised my voice and started with these thoughts, he would hang up on me and we wouldn't communicate until the next time I could gather enough strength to call him.

So I told him that I was really sorry that that particular dream couldn't come true just yet, but I asked him to look forward to other dreams involving him and his grandsons, like going to tennis tournaments, family vacations, and even one day going to set them up wherever they choose to go to university.

I asked him if he was okay if I brought the boys for a visit sometime. Though I knew he wanted this more than anything, his pride wouldn't allow him to say yes. After several seconds of silence, all he could manage was a quiet "you decide."

But I had to know that he wouldn't give our boys pressure about going to public school. So I said, "dad, I just want to know that you won't give Joshua and Noah pressure to go to school, that in front of them, you'll be supportive." He immediately cut me off and told me that this was a great insult. How could I think that he, a 69-year old man, would give his 6-year old grandson that kind of pressure?

I apologized. I explained that I had no intent to insult him, I just had to be sure.

And that's where we are today.

I'm left feeling like I made it out of a minefield, grateful to be alive, but severely debilitated from stress.

How are we to deal with adult family members who, for any number of reasons, don't have the ability to think very far beyond their own perspective? Should we continue to maintain relations with someone who chooses to bully to try to get his or her own way rather than engage in respectful conversation?

To reconcile or not to reconcile, that is the question. And in considering the starkly different approaches that have worked for me and my older sister, I'm left feeling like there is rarely an easy answer.

I suspect that my father is similar to most people whose family members have strongly considered giving up on. He has good intentions. He fully believes in his own righteousness. He feels moved by God Himself to correct faulty life decisions by his children.

As the seventh of eight siblings growing up in a one-room home in South Korea, he was the only one who would help his grandmother to her chamber pot whenever she needed to go. He would wipe her clean while some of his siblings complained about the wretched smell. Why did he do this? Because his maternal grandmother often held him in her lap. She told him stories, mainly about Jesus. She prayed for him. To a boy who rarely if ever received an ounce of physical affection from his exhausted and likely disillusioned parents, the love that he received from his grandmother was probably more life-sustaining than bowls of rice, broth, and kim chi. How do I know this about my father's childhood? My father's oldest sister, my dear aunt in New York City, told me.

The thing is, none of these details likely matter to most of the people that my father has interacted with over the years. Why would acquaintances put aside their hurt feelings and judgments to consider why my father sometimes behaves like a tyrannical dictator?

How do you save a person like my father from his self destructive ways of thinking and being? I hope that I'm wrong, but I no longer believe you can. A person can't change into something that he can't feel. A person can't give something that he doesn't have. Just as you get orange juice when you squeeze an orange, when you squeeze my dad at this point in his life, you get mostly a cocktail of grievances.

I'm relatively certain that our recent rift over homeschooling isn't the last time my father will feel that I have wronged him. It won't be the last time that I will feel like my father doesn't care about my feelings. If this experience has taught me anything, it's that for me and my dad, I need to find a way to reconcile. I don't really know how to handle the alternative.

More than anything else, I write all of this as a release for my endocrine and nervous systems. Yes, my father may stumble upon this post, and if he does, well, dad, you know that I have expressed every thought here to you in person. You know that despite my flaws, I have tried to be a good son. So please forgive me for insulting you and please know that I needed to write this with hope that it will mean something to someone out there.


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Wow... what an experience you have detailed here. Your insights into your father's behavior, and your own, are just amazing. You have done a great thing here- for your self, for your father and for your sons. I know you're still sort of holding your breath about the future of your relationship with your father but I'm sure you are on the right track. I hope you will continue writing about these sorts of things. I learn so much from others when they do... so it's a selfish thing! :D

I was just wondering if you were aware of Emotional Freeing Technique, Tapas Acupressure Technique or Eye Motion Desensitization and Reprocessing? I've used all three of these to defuse and release a ton of old stuff from my past, EFT the most which I started using back in 2005, but all three techniques are invaluable for processing hurts like this. And, yes, you can use these to help others even when they're not aware of it. We are all connected, after all. :) Just be sure to ask permission first.

I sincerely hope you will consider giving any or all of these a try to help ease your pain.

(Disclaimer: I am not a therapist or involved in any way with any of these techniques except in a person way. I am not selling anything or recommending any one therapy over another or any therapist over another.)

You forgot to mention 'relationships' concerning woman and man. There is a lot of stress when only one is giving their all and the other one just sits back and enjoys the way they have control over the other. Take someone I hold dear to my heart. They are struggling with the relationship but to determined to make it work. Their 'partner' is so laid back it's a miracle they are alive. They don't put no effort into the relationship and leave it up to my dear one to do all the work which they do because they want it to work after previous failed relationships. They are always on edge and very mean to those of us around them. :)

I had to do the same thing...the relationship with them is so toxic for has destroyed many years of my life and now pushing close to 50.
It was necessary to end communication with them as I finally realized how emotionally abusive and undermining they are to me as their only daughter.
My brother could never do any wrong.I can talk your ear off on this subject.
try me! :)

This article is very poignant and apropos for myself. There were many expectations on me as the oldest of 7 children and even though by the time my father passed away earlier this year, there was peace between us, and I had let go of him ever apologizing for his raw bursts of anger on me and had forgiven him, even though I didn't understand, I knew that Christ would even it all out someday. Just reading your words brought comfort to me. One thing my dad had yelled at me was, "You need to learn to understand others!!!!" God bless you for your understanding of your father.

I've done many things to try to have peace about all this and there was never much unless I stayed away. Whenever I had to be around him and my family, that's when I had so much anxiety. When I knew he was dying, that's when I did business between me and Jesus....forgiving my father from the heart and letting it go. I cried because I didn't do it sooner. That my father is not the end of all, that he is a faulty sinner like myself...and my first relationship is with Jesus and he gives me the power to love even my enemies who may be in my own family. This is part of walking out my salvation in fear and trembling, of which I shirked, thinking life should be more comfortable.

Well, family goes on. My Family makes horrendous food choices and drinks too much, but loves to get together: I'm to love them and die to myself. I've hid in 12 step programs for most of my adult life. But several years ago, Jesus let me know that they were not helping me because the best people I could find in them were hiding out too. Today, I grab Jesus' hand and ask for his grace and help in dealing with the most painful parts of all and it helps me to be of better service in the general community because this is not my home here, but Jesus has given me himself and the power to conquer everything lacking in me...for his glory. And power to forgive those people who trespass against me...minute by minute power. And power to make the choices that glorify Jesus in all situations.

Life is still bumpy, but not anxiety ridden, just burdens carried by the Burden Bearer. I don't take the $400+ a month-supplements any more. I eat the healthiest choices available and fasting is ok if there isn't a healthy choice. Jesus' power is real and here, and he heals big time, too.

Letters like yours are very healing. Thank you and may you and your father have the richness and depth that I could have had and will have with my siblings and others because of doing the hard work of looking to and depending on the One who promises abundant life in-spite of gross human shortcomings.

Thank you so much for your candid sharing I experienced validation for my own experience of homeschooling and the challenges of other people's opinion.

Dear Dr Kim,

I have followed your site for many years now. I so appreciate your kind and loving service to all of us who read your info. I am sorry about the situation with your father. It is clearly very painful to you.. And I'm sure it is very painful to your father as well, tho most likely he would never admit it.

There's not much you can do. Send him love and light. This has worked for me with a difficult relationship with a sister. It creates a bridge. Also, I would continue to invite him to join the family activities. If he continues to be a stubborn mule, at least you have been kind regarding the situation.

Your Dad should be very proud of you. You are such a kind and caring person, and that is why you have made the home schooling decision. In this day and age, I would agree with you. It takes way more effort to home school, than to ship the kids off to school for the day. I would hope that he would eventually realize you made this decision because of the person who is the best father he knows how to be. And your wife deserves much credit, too, as I would imagine she will take the largest part of the home schooling. And for her, that means not much time for herself.

You can't change your father's attitude, but he can. Let's hope he will.
Love to you and your family.

You are a beautiful son and father. I would be very proud to have a son like you. You have shown your father deep respect and compassion. He needs to acknowledge this but you are right, he most likely won't realize this. But you have learned a great lesson in life.

I am just reading this post in 2015. It moved me greatly. Thank you for speaking from your heart.

I am Asian, so I know about this "style" of parenting. Asian patriarchs are not "good ol' guys" who toss a football with their son or teach him how to bat. They set expectations and these expectations are to be met with zero argument. Respect is held on a high pedestal. In this way, they put themselves out of the equation, because it's not about what they know or could teach their own child but more about what the child could do; his/her potential. This is why a lot of Asian immigrant children can excel in school with parents not speaking a word of English. So we really can't say this parenting style is entirely self-centered.

One could argue that in contrast, western parenting is devoid of any respect, esp. the kind of respect Asians parents demand from their children. From conversations with the Latin American/Spanish community, I would say respect is high on the priority list in many/most cultures. Children are highly valued, a "prize" to the parents and in return, parents are held in a high position of authority. So it would seem that western parenting where kids are "besties" with their mum & pop, although prevalent esp. in media, is the exception rather the norm. (Personally I think it is artificial and awkward to treat your parents as best friends.) It's not a race thing either, b/c same is true of Italians and Germans (I grew up in NYC Chinatown with German neighbors near Little Italy). It's probably more of a generational thing.

Children and parents are not "equal," so the term, "bullying" does not apply. What you can criticize your father for is in not letting you be an adult, for not trusting HIS OWN JOB IN RAISING YOU RIGHT so that you now have the ability to be the best father you can possibly be. He always praised you for your abilities in school, sports, etc. and yet, now he's doubting your ability to be a father. This is what hurts you most, isn't it? I heard a Chinese pastor say this once: " some point, we are no longer our parents' child but their offspring."

I had this conversation with my mother years ago about being her "child" vs. her "adult daughter. Many fights and years later, she still tries to give me parenting advice (I also homeschool). But I make it a point to constantly remind her that I am in my 40's (middle age), that she did the best she could do as a mom and it's time for her to let me be the mother. She's learning, but it takes time for her to accept herself -and yes, it's self-centeredly about them, not us, but such is true for ALL of us to some degree, isn't it?- and to let go.

It's touching that your father's dream involves walking your son to school, but I totally agree that it could be tied to your father's own sense of personal failure and that it is a direct insult to you and your dreams for your own son. Perhaps he feels the only GOOD thing he has accomplished in life is in raising a fine son such as you...? It makes me sad to think about Asian parents living vicariously through their children (my parents did the same thing) and it always reminds me of the movie, "Shine" with David Helfgott. I highly, highly recommend it if you haven't seen it!

Thanks for your input here! I have an Indian-Asian dad and I’m first gen, and your comments are spot on. I’ve written a recent comment in response to Dr. Kim, relating my experiences with an Asian dad as well as successfully homeschooling my daughter. But I wonder... did his dad walk HIM to school? If not, he is trying to make up for that, clearly!

a beautiful "letter" concerning the rift with your father. Good luck with all the emotions and feelings. I hope he comes around, but it sounds like you have gone the distance in having him understand.

Your story reminds of me of my father .. 20 years have passed and I have not seen him I wish I could see him even just once . I hope you will reconcile with yours .

Parents, they can pass on behaviors and tendencies to children that forever remind us of Mom & Dad. I know so many people with parent problems these days, it's uncanny, so dramatic.
When they are less than supportive, disrespectful, and mean, I don't see much reason to reconcile.
The world is full of dangerous people, usually parents are not, but in some cases, more than we know, they are the most dangerous people to us that we know. Actions speak so loud, words can be worse. Mean people suck, and I avoid them, even if they are my parents.

Kudos to you, Dr. Kim, for honoring yourself. It takes guts, love, courage, and compassion to be where you are and write about it. My story is similar but with a mother who I have chosen to stay away from. While it sometimes makes me sad, the pain of being in relationship with her causes much deeper sadness. Its' difficult when we as children, evolve beyond our parent's ability. When we overcome the trauma they inflicted, yet they can't overcome their own. But at least we have evolved and healed. Take care of yourself and your most generous heart. And as a teacher, good for you for pulling them out of our terribly public school system. I believe in homeschooling and there are many alt-ed schools out there now that instill the values you hold, behind your reasoning for educating at home. Best to your and your family, love and light, Gina M

That is a tough situation, for sure. As a homeschooler, I've had to be creative in finding ways to work through situations similar to this.

If I may be so bold, I'd like to suggest a substitute dream for your father... When your boys go for tennis practice and matches, or other regularly scheduled outings, let your father take them. (Pick one and nail it down so he can count on it.) You probably want to be the one there for the matches as well, and that would give you and your father time to bond in a neutral environment and you can both share in their journey in a safe way. If your father takes them once or twice a week at regular times, he may find peace in that as he sees them making friends and enjoying the challenges of competition.

As my husband and I learned about alternative health and living about 5 years ago we were excited and eager to apply everything that we learned, learn more, and apply it to how we raised our (yet conceived at the time) children. Unfortunately each decision we made was met with much criticism and disapproval by my older, conservative, European parents. I long for their approval, but my convictions on what I have learned won't let me budge. It has been such a bone of contention for many years now, which ultimately led to my parents walking out on me and our (first) 2 month old son when they asked me point blank if we intended to vaccinate him (which we do not). My parents have always been volatile, especially my Mom, so I knew that this would likely blow over in time. I prayed and chose to act like nothing had happened when I contacted them to invite them to his dedication at our Church a month later. I was very pleased when they attended both the church service and the lunch afterward and we all avoided any heated topics. Then, 6 months later they learned that we were planning on raising our son vegetarian (as we had become a few years prior) and dairy free (as we have both experienced great health benefits from doing so). As well, they asked again about our vaccines again & hearing that we had stuck to our decision threatened us with not being able to send our children to school (which I know is not true...yet) but I retorted that was okay because we planned on homeschooling. That once again made them storm out saying they couldn't support these "ridiculous decisions" and couldn't talk with us anymore. I feared for a while that this was actually the end of our relationship all together. Nine long and sad months passed by and to my surprise my Mom showed up on Christmas day at our doorstep wishing us Merry Christmas. She didn't stay long but it did start a ripple effect that led to her eventually coming to apologize for their absence. She didn't say that she supports our decisions now, but we have since had an amicable relationship. It took much prayer and strength from the Lord to forgive her before that apology came, but I am so glad that He enabled me to and I was able to extend that same forgiveness to her.
I SO appreciated your story Dr Kim because I can relate SO well! I am so glad that you too have been able to reconcile your relationship with your Father. I appreciate your perspective, understanding where your Father came from and how that really affects the way one sees the world. This gave me insight on my parents as well.
Thanks again and God bless you!

Interesting that you view not asking your dad for a single thing single you were 20, as being a positive thing.

Hi Dr. Kim,
You have some great advice below, from other readers. I can offer my experience, as a mom with a grown daughter, whom I homeschooled from age 12 to university. AND... a person with a dictator-type Asian father! I know both experiences. But the two challenges for me happened at different times. Dealing with my dad as a dictator, I had to stand up to him early, since he tried to arrange my marriage as a young girl to a complete stranger, and being brought up in the USA, I couldn’t do it, but even before that, I had to deal with his physical and emotional abuse as a teenage girl, having to conform to looking a certain way here in the USA, and being forced to major in and take the classes at school he forced on me. It took me about to my 40s to truly get brave since the scars were already inflicted and as kids we will learn to behave in a survival way. This led to me giving my daughter the freedom to learn how and what she wanted and needed, which led to her ultimate success as a young adult. I do not think either way of schooling is bad, when a parent can give their child enough attention at home and unconditional love, but I did what was right for my daughter, and got the same socialization argument. You can tell if your kids are social and school isn’t the only way to get this, obviously. Well, now, my daughter has better social skills than many her age, and anyone meeting her can clearly tell the difference (I get compliments on raising her ALL the time!). There are many more arguments I’ve come across, but rather than argue homeschooling is best, I would just say, it’s not perfect, just like public schooling, but it had the best aspects of what suited my daughter’s individual needs. I was sacrificing anyone else’s needs, including my own, for her! And I can say for certain I didn’t do it for me, since I knew in her case she would be able to finish years ahead of schedule and ultimately, move on to her university earlier, which would cause me to have bittersweet feelings of her success and my loss of a single child at home, earlier than I otherwise would have (believe me, this was heart-wrenching). Like I said, I don’t regret it and she’s thankful and all the naysayers have changed their minds. In regard to the Asian father, my dad came around many of the things. But he’s very involved in charity. My mom says he still mumbles about his kids not marrying correctly, etc... but he doesn’t present that to me. If he even hears any of us aren’t vegetarian or not following Hindu practices, he would lose it. So we just try to compromise and I won’t discuss everything with him, because it’s not worth it. Time does heal, but mostly letting him see the rewards of homeschooling should help. The Asian father is hurt, so they are the ones who must learn unconditional love. You can say your job as the son is to help him, and that’s why you cannot walk away. If anyone has proven to have the strength, love and faith to get through this, it’s you! Good luck:)

Such a touching and heartfelt letter on forgiveness and reconciliation. I have similar difficulties with my in-laws and daughter-in-law. At this point, I'm still trying to find peace but trying to get into their minds has helped me to understand somewhat. I continue to pray for guidance and understanding along with peace.

Great journal. I can completely empathise with you. We are all shall i say victims (a little harsh, but could feel this way at times) of our parent's subconscious programming. I know where u are coming from as i too have had these experiences, but in the end i do the best i can and what is good for me if there cannot be a middle ground. I top this by saying to myself that my issue is not with an elderly and there issue is not with me. They are simply doing the best they can with what they know (programming). See evolution and adaptability is not something they are comfortable with, but evolution states that we need to learn from our past, rectify and do better to grow.

Thank you for sharing yoyr article with us and i feel for you. But know that in the end you have to do what is right for you and your family. Your dad made his choices and did the best he could - now its ur turn. Be well, love and light.