How To Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You

11 Comments:

Rebekah Bartel said...

I agree with Dr. Ben Kim above. The people who have hurt us did not start out as bitter, aggressive, or neglectful of others. At some point, they all reached a crossroads where they had the choice to make some healing decisions themselves. And they chose the wrong choice. One wrong choice always leads to other wrongs choices and slowly turns you into someone you never wanted to be.

My parents hurt me very badly (emotionally) while I was growing up - compounded with religion. But, I have found, only through God's grace, His ability to forgive. I believe that God forgave us all much more than we could ever repay Him. When we think about that...how can we in turn not forgive others? I know it is possible to forgive some things without God's help. But I truly believe that finding God and coming to know Him and His compassion, gives you the true power and ability to forgive that could never be found simply in yourself.

With regards,
Rebekah Bartel
Tilbury, Ontario
Monday, July 24, 2006 7:26:58 PM
DanEagle said...

A short comment on Forgiveness.

I agree with Dr. Kim's Blog on Forgiveness. I just want to state that not only do you have to find a way to forgive someone who has hurt you terribly, you also have to ask forgiveness from all the persons you have hurt. Only then can the healing process begin. I would like to recommend a wonderful organization which helped me a great deal with my terrible rage at people who hurt me. The name of the organization is: Emotions Anonymous. They have meetings everywhere. They also have wonderful literature to help an emotionally wounded person. Also a wonderful website for healing is: emofree.com. Good luck and best of health to all.

Daneagle
Monday, July 24, 2006 8:55:00 PM
Anonymous said...

What is forgiveness? When I say: "I forgive you" - do I really? I found the answer in "A Course in Miracles" in chapter 9, "The Holy Spirit,s Plan of Forgiveness." It says: "To forgive is to overlook. Look, then, beyond error and do not let your perception rest upon it, for you will believe what your perception holds." Let's not supress it within, no, picturing a person as an innocent child is great, but let,s try not to think about it. It is past, it happened, we cannot change it. Let,s erase it from our thoughts, let,s live in the PRESENT! Olga
Thursday, July 27, 2006 1:27:33 AM
Anonymous said...

I am no expert on forgiveness, but as someone who agrees with the concept and struggles with the practise, I have noticed one thing. Forgiveness doesn't seem to be a 'one time fix' and by that I mean (to quote Shrek!) it is like an onion. It consists of layers of forgiveness that can be undertaken, but on the resurfacing of anger or bitterness, there can be a need to forgive all over again, and again, and so on. My hope is that as the layers continue to be removed, the process becomes easier!

Good luck to all fellow forgivers-in-training :)
Michelle
New Zealand
Sunday, July 30, 2006 11:13:06 PM
Sharon Lee-Auyang said...

Unforgiveness can be very demaging to the health. Unforgiveness leads to bitterness which causes many health problems. To forgive means not to hate but to love the person who deeply hurt us. It is not possible for human beings to truly and fully forgive and love an enemy becos our human's love is conditional. Only God's forgiveness and love is unconditional. A person who has received God's forgiveness and love through Jesus Christ can use God's forgiveness and love to competely forgive and love the enemy. Yet to successfully do so, the person has to submit to God, humble himself, remove the pride from his heart (deny himself), and says from his heart everyday (onion peeling with tears), "I forgive ______ ." He will pass the test when he is able to pray for his "enemy" positively and bless him, and able to get along with him. God bless, God is love!
Sunday, August 06, 2006 3:23:25 PM
trudy said...

I was raised in an abusive home. My parents were angry people and took it out on their children often. But the greatest harm wasn't the physical abuse, but the lack of nurturing, the neglect of caring for their children and giving them a sense of worth. I was sexually abused by some of my brothers and their friends. My opinion towards males in general is not very good although I do love them. I think of them as being base, lowly like animals, concerning sexual things. When I married my husband I trusted him and thought I'd found a man who was different from the others. He's proven me a fool and hurt me very badly. I'm still trying to recover. I feel I've forgiven him but cannot get myself to trust him and can't allow myself to truly love him again for fear he will hurt me again. Having been a child of neglect and always feeling worthless until I found some happiness with a man whom I believed made me worthwhile, then losing that feeling and being dumped back into feeling I deserved nothing good because I'm not a good person, has made a mess of me emotionally. If I didn't have children to care for I'd have checked out of this life. But I'm better now, somewhat. I don't believe I will ever trust and love anyone (aside from my children and grandchildren) and that makes me sad and lonely, but I don't know how to fix me. Anyone out there have any answers for me? Trudy Colorado
Monday, August 14, 2006 10:45:09 AM
Sandy said...

I agree with all that's been said regarding forgiveness. It's not a one time thing and voila you move past everything. My own experiences have taught me I have to repeat the forgiveness as often as anger surfaces. The repetition makes forgiveness a habit and one that is highly desirable. In forgiving others it's never failed that ulitmately I forgive meyself. It is also in forgiveness that the past is left exactly where it should be in the past and life in the present moment becomes possible.
Monday, August 21, 2006 12:49:29 PM
Anonymous said...

I definitely have not mastered forgiveness. I have spent the last two hours ragefully thinking about all the things I would like to say to someone who has hurt me. Then I finally keyed in "How do you forgive someone who has hurt you?" and came to this website. I appreciate the ideas.
One thing I try to do is say "God, show me when I have hurt someone else in that way." It may not be exactly the same way - but we have all hurt people. And sometimes if I can see an instance where I hurt someone it helps me to realize that without God's mercy we would all be lost. It can also help to just get the focus back on what needs to change in me rather than what needs to change in someone else, because I can't change anyone else. But that is so hard to learn. And I think it is very very hard to let go of hurt and anger. Espcially if you have alot of early wounds. Jesus Christ died for it all. Praise God for that!
Tuesday, August 22, 2006 8:45:15 PM
merci1216 said...

it is not as simple as saying, forgive so as to be forgiven. However, one method which worked for me was shelve aside the anger and bitterness. I moved on with my life after finding out that the friends whom so i thought were not true ones, that particularly one spread lies about me and she hasn't stopped...long after i have confronted her and explained my side. she kept on perpetuating her perceptions of me. I learned later than people who are insecure and have deeper hurts and resentments are those that tend to pick on others especially those they perceive to be better than them, altho this they will not admit. the key here is early on realizing that those who pester others with blatant lies, hopefully to destroy others, are the ones who are really problematic and unwittingly crying out for help. The normal reaction when one is a victim of such people is to retaliate, get angry and inflict as much or even more harm. It is not good though. In my case, i preferred to just brush aside the source of pain, moved on and created a world away from the person and as time heals all wounds so to speak, forgiving was easier. and was really feasible. It is bad to gloat at misfortunes of those who inflict pain on you,...but somehow it is a trend that the day of reckoning comes..especially for those who faults the innocent. Forgiving is possible but time is an ally.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006 12:44:56 AM
susan. said...

I was very emotionally hurt when I was young, and often found it hard to forgive others. But someone once told me that forgiveness wasn't about the other person or saying you absolve them of what they did, but instead, it is about me, and helping myself move forward, and saying "I won't let this prevent me from getting the best potential for my own future".

Put in that context, and as many have said - when we can move past what they did to us, then we help ourselves. It's still hard sometimes to move past it, but it does make it a bit easier.

Thank you Dr. Kim for such a great forum to learn and talk about a holistic view of our health. All these things play a part of how healthy and well we are.
Monday, September 04, 2006 11:36:31 PM
Anonymous said...

This is for Trudy, I have, am and will continue to pray for you and your pain, ask God and he will free you and heal you. May you feel the godly love and peace you deserve.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006 8:13:17 PM

I sought professional help when trying to move forward with my life, because I knew that I was stuck in the past and that moving forward was never going to happen unless I came to some sort of understanding of why my father treated me the way he did. I knew that I had to forgive him but had no idea how to do that, nor if it was even possible. My help came in learning and understanding what my father had endured during the war. He left home as a 17 year old and came back having experienced more than any person should have. Because of the devastating upheaval this had on his life I understand now that, emotionally, my father never progressed past the age of 17. Understanding this has changed my life. I sympathise so much for my poor father. Everything has now fallen into place; the anger he always showed, the frustration, the jealousy, all the emotions one experiences as a teenager and young adult and the learning how to behave and manage these feelings; he was deprived of those years and emotionally has never been healed. I now have such a deep sympathy for my father and all the years he has suffered, and caused his family and friends to suffer right along with him, because he was never offered the help he and other war veterans should have received on returning home.

In the Lord's Prayer we pray, "forgive us as we forgive those who trespass against us." If we fail to forgive those who hurt or abuse us, God will not forgive us when we sin. Sound harsh? Perhaps, but it's true. He forgave those who nailed him to the cross. He said, "forgive them for they know not what they do." It's taken me years to forgive the one who raped me and left me pregnant. I don't even know his name, and I often wonder about the baby I would have had, but didn't because I chose to have an abortion. I can tell you that if I had not found how to forgive myself as well as others, I would have died at my own hand long ago. Only when I let God take care of the anger and hurt was I able to find peace and the ability to pray for the person who violated me. It has taken years for me to forgive myself for taking another's life and fully realize that God has forgiven me. To forgive is not to forget, however, only God has the ability to forget. And He does forget as well as forgive when we pray to Him. And He helps us forgive ourselves and find peace.

Great topic to discuss as all of us need to forgive and to receive forgiveness.
The day that I received Jesus Christ as my personal saviour and realized the depth of His love and forgiveness for me was the day that made it so much easier for me to forgive others. I had to take responsibility for my own actions that day. I believe that Jesus has paid the price for my sin but I had to acknowledge that I was a sinner. The light was shed on my sin. So if I'm a sinner so is everyone else. If Jesus can forgive me, he will forgive everyone else. They just have to ask Him. We are all human therefore imperfect and all of us are capable of committing the worst of sins. Of course it is easier for us to forgive people who apologize to us but the ones I find hard are the ones that don't apologize. If someone has hurt me and does not acknowledge any wrong doing, I get down on my knees and ask God to help them. I ask Him to shed light on their wrong doing and to forgive them. I also pray that they will be saved someday and I pray that they will have a happy life, a good job, a happy marriage, good health, whatever their need is, I pray for that. Sometimes it's hard to pray for someone else's happiness if they have hurt you but if you ask the Holy Spirit to help you pray according to God's will for them, He will. Once you have prayed for someone, let go of any thoughts of them and get busy working on something to move you forward. Whenever the thought of them pops into your head again, just trust that God is taking care of the matter and thank Him.

Linda

I've been working through the childhood abuse I endured for years and the journey has led me to being held accountable for my own actions and emotions. I can't continue to be angry; it just isn't productive to me or my children.

So, I write and write and write to work through all the emotions. I take every thing I do and say apart to figure out my motives.

Here are some videos I've made to work through things. I think if we could all find artistic or productive ways to express these emotions, we could work through them with better results.

http://www.youtube.com/bleaux42

I was sexually abused under hypnosis by a grief counsellor many years ago. As a result, I suffered two decades of a reactive psychosis, was diagnosed schizoaffective, lost my career and lost all hope.

My abuser then insinuated herself into my family, befriending first my mother, then my sister.

Using knowledge gained by her counselling of me, from the hypnosis and from her contrived friendships with many of my family members, she falsified connections between us.

She divorced her husband, and after nine years of my not knowing who she truly was, we became engaged to marry.

The sexual relationship between us triggered memories, which arose in full bloom when I lost consciousness whilst driving my car. I wrote the car off in an accident.

Then I saw a neurologist, had every scan imaginable, and was about to be put under the knife for an exploratory to see what sort of tumour was causing this without showing itself in the scans.

It was then I overheard my 'fiancee' breaching my professional confidences with my sister that I learned who she really was.

I know she suffered terribly as a young child.

She has self-immolated, although she described her injuries as being the result of "an emergency gynacological operation".

She is an incredibly sad person.

My amazing therapist feels my abuser suffers from borderline personality disorder. There are also signs of sociopathy and clinical narcissism.

The need for my grief counselling with her all those years ago was that I was volunteering in a mental health organisation, and ran a group for mentally disturbed youth. A teenage girl who was forced to prostitute herself to earn a living for her father took her own life. I was trying to help her.

I had my own depressive history, following the death of my father when I was very young. My mother was overdependent upon him for her self-worth. She too had been prostitued at a very young age by her stepfather.

Sexual abuse, and indeed abuse of any type, is a communicable disease. One person's abuse motivates that of another, motivating that of another, motivating that of another... As Gandhiji said, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world go blind".

To hate the abuser is to truly join them! It is to hand their abuse the final victory! To hate the abuser is to hate their abuser, and to hate the abuser who created them. Abusers are essentially people who have chosen to deify their own abusers, for they have chosen to be "created in their abuser's own image".

Forgiveness is a process. Every moment is a reminder to me of the aftermath of my abuser's chidish games and hateful pain.

The evidence is that my abuser was herself abused at a very young age. When I feel my anger rising up, I remind myself that that is indeed what she had to contend with.

I picture a bleeding, battered and bruised little girl, say two or three years old, and feeling my pain, my anger and my despair, imagine this little girl filled with the same.

Then I ponder to myself, "How could such feelings be held in such a tiny form without contorting her into the ugly shape she later assumed?"

Forgiveness is a process, and like the most important ones, it is a process in which there will inevitably be setbacks.

The secret is to never cease striving for it.

I don't view forgiveness as an end, but rather as a journey.

Maybe it'll end, maybe it won't, but the process of travelling and never giving up is the point.

"When someone, whom I have benefited, gives me terrible harm, I shall regard that person as my Holy Guru" - the Sixth Verse of Thought Transformation by Geshe Langhri Thangpa.

Thank you for re-sending this very timely article. As I am with my family for the holidays I have realized that the old hurts I am holding onto are preventing me from fully enjoying the present with my loved ones. The visualization exercise has already helped me, and I look forward to enjoying the remainder of the holidays with my relatives. Thank you!

People talk about forgiveness from a point of view of anger, hatred.
Those emotions are a follow up from the first which is fear.
Aren't we afraid of our abusers? It is that fear that motivates
us to stay away from the abuser so that we are not hurt anymore
as soon as we are able to get away from the abuser forever.

Then, from afar, we forgive, when we no longer need the fear
to save us.

What if we are asked to forgive by the abuser? I say, yes, then,
certainly.

Forgive, when you are safe, forgive when the abuser sincerely
apologizes, but never forgive until you are permanently safe.
Then, there is no fear or hatred or anger to mess you up.

Blessings!

There is an old saying that goes like this: "God always forgives, man sometimes forgives and nature never forgives." Think about that.

We all need to be able to forgive all of the wrongs done to us. It is essential to living a full happy life.

I like to think that if I fixate on and rehash anger about being hurt or treated unfairly that I am actually wasting my valuable energy and spirit giving power to the negative side of the Universe and perhaps even the person who hurt me.

The more we let it eat away at us, the more negative energy we bottle up until we are consumed by it and can't ever find the positive light at the end of the tunnel.

I believe out is better then in, in the sense that if someone is really hurting, they should make it known first "get it out", then work towards turning a negative into a positive. No that isn't ever easy, but if you talk it out or confront the situation you may feel better instantly, but you still have work to do afterward to release the bad energy and make it good again.

Remember how powerful you really are and remember that the person(s) who hurt you have their own list of reason why they are the way they are. You can't possibly know all they have been through, but remembering that they are only human and maybe sending them some positive energy despite your own pain will indeed help turn it around for your self.

If you are hurting...I wish you peace....

I just finished reading the book EAT PRAY LOVE, at the end of the book she talks about how she sat in silence and began to forgive all and everything negative in her life by allowing her self to first feel it, understand where it came from, then to ask it to enter her heart for the love that is always there and always has room for forgiving. Look at the word it self FOR GIVING... its about the love you give to yourself and to others who have touched your life in all ways.....
Dr kim is right...we all have from the start, a beautiful light inside us and what happens to us in life changes our perception about how we veiw life , but that light will always remain there. For some, the light is dim, for others very bright and it is up to all of us to help each other fill that light and it starts with forgiving with love......

Y'all talk as if anger and resentment are bad things. In my view they are just as valid as the sweet & loving emotions. They all have their place, having been given to us by God.

It is a matter of getting "mad" when the situation justifies it, and letting go when it is time.

It says in the Bible, there is "a time to love and a time to hate". No truer words were ever spoken. Folks who think they are bad or sinful because they just seem unable to let go of the resentment & anger are not bad or sinful at all. They just need time and the intervention of God Himself. God decides when to "let go", not us imperfect humans who try to force goodness onto ourselves. God's timing is perfect.

Forgiving a hurt is when you accept the person does not owe you anything because you have forgiven the debt. However, that is the easy part. The hard part is having a quality relationship with this same person if they were once close to you and now you cannot be super human and trust them the same anymore. The hard part comes after the forgiveness is given.

I believe the keys to forgiving others are as follows:
1. Realize that we also hurt others and we are not necessarily better or much better than those who have hurt us (we are all sinners and all fail to live up to Gods standard of holiness which is his own nature)
2. Realize that forgiveness is available to us, for all the wrongs (sins)we have done - this is through Jesus Christ who died for our sins so we do not reap the just reward for our own wrongs
3. We can unconditionally love others (and forgive them) because we are loved unconditionally
4. We need to accept the gift of forgiveness from God by trusting in Jesus sacrifice for us and our worthiness is then based on this and not on our own goodness (or rather, the lack of it)
5. We can then choose tpo forgive despite the feelings of hurt, knowing that our forgiving opens the door for God to then begin the process of healing us from the sting of those hurts (it may be instant but often not)
6. Jesus said "forgive them because they dont know what they are doing" - this is often the case (not always) with those who hurt us eg parents who didnt love us enough because of their own shortage of knowing love
7. We can then choose to forgive anyone (without exception)
8. We were all born sinners, originally manifested by some degree of selfishness that is evident in early life
9. Jesus was the only one not born a sinner due to his virgin birth and divine linerage - for this reason his sacrifice for our sins is all sufficient and we can add nothing to that

Forgiving your self for hurting

Happy New Year to Dr. Ben Kim and his readers.

I wish I can be of help with my views on HURT. No one wants to hurt and be hurt. We get hurt when we are vulnerable. It can be different reasons for this.
What is important is to see that we hate more our vulnerability than the person that hurt us.
If I am still vulnerable to be hurt I would not associate with people that hurt me, even if they are family. Mejor solo que en mala compania – Better alone than in bad company.
When strong enough. I would confront the people that hurt me and expect them to apologize. If they do not, forget them, forgive your self for having carried the memory of the hurt. Love your self, they do not deserve to dwell in your memory.
I can say “Forgive them God for they know not what they do”, so it is not my business. I can only feel God’s presence if I am still enough. This can only happen in the present, not living with the past memories. I have to ask my self why do I want to re-experience the past and hurt in the now. Why do I make my self vulnerable again to something that is not here now. Would an yell on the top of my lungs have stopped the assailant then? Maybe I can yell now until all hell freezes and let every one know that I will not take it any more from any one.
It is not an eye for an eye. Some people only can relay to their own “medicine”. It is up to us to make the judgment when needed. God wants us to be strong and not submissive. Allow your self to experience a hurt from the past fully and let go forever. As you take the trash out of your home to the dumpster, so do dump the past, remember only what you need to remember.
David Nakov, miencanto@hotmail.com

I've learned to forgive my parents for handling their divorce in an immature way that caused lifelong hurt to my sisters and I - including neglect that allowed one young sister to be sucked into drugs and eventually die of an overdose causing severe pain to our whole network of family, extended family and friends.

I don't know how to forgive in extreme circumstances - as a victim of violence, for example, but I do think I've found a path to forgiving those who hurt us emotionally.

You will achieve forgiveness once you understand that "other person" so well that you actually feel compassion and sympathy for them.

You don't have to like or accept what another person has done to you in order to forgive. You do need to understand as much as possible where that person was in life when they did whatever they did.

It's also good to take an honest look at our own selves, taking stock of our weaknesses and the ways in which we ourselves hurt other people (often without even realising it). The more we understand our own humanity, the more we understand the humanity of those who hurt us.

Forgiveness IS a path. It's important to be patient with ourselves and realise that forgiveness is NOT instantaneous. It is a process. It requires work, time and growth. It involves striving for insight and wisdom. It also requires love.

I like Scott Peck's (The Road Less Travelled) definition of love, which he narrows it down to time and attention. Observe where you spend your time and attention and you will find the object of your love.

When seeking to forgive, you must focus your time and your attention on the situation at hand - in other words, you must exercise love. As you do that, you will grow. That is when wisdom and understanding will start to flow into your life - love will bring that.

And as your love flows and you grow, you will start to feel the inner healing that comes with forgiveness. Then, believe it or not, there will come a time when you realise that the pain this other person caused you has made you grow so much that, if given the choice, you would never go back and undo that wrong.

That, my friend, will be your sign that you have achieved forgiveness.

This is a very important part of good health. Thank you for this eamil. We should always remember that when we do not forgive the ones who hurt us we carry this cloud of gloom over our heads and have a nasty life. Meanwhile the ones who hurt us are going on with their lives happy as ever while we carry a load of hurt. Let it go and free yourself from these chains that are pulling you down is what I would say.

Lessons I've learned from Aristotle, Jesus, and Debi Pearl

I remember being in my early twenties and looking at women in their 30’s and 40’s who were crabby, bitter, and hateful, and saying, “I’ll never be like that!” And yet, somehow, at 35, the joy had slowly seeped out of my life and been replaced by a pervasive bitterness and apathy. In my search for answers, I found some very helpful concepts I’d like to share.

Like those I observed, I too have been hurt, abused, slandered, and cheated. In an attempt to prevent more damage, I tried to shield my heart and ended up hurting others. For instance, because of damage done to me by men in my past, my lack of trust carried over into my marriage, damaging my relationship with my husband. I have always operated under a “The best defense is a good offense” approach, keeping up a fighting stance. This angry posture in turn caused hurt and bitterness in him.

The first helpful concept is that of the proverbial “first stone.” Found in the Bible is the story of an adulterous woman. The penalty at that time was death by stoning. Jesus said to the crowd gathered, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” He was not condoning her sin, but rather showing us how to forgive. We don’t have to condone the actions of those who have hurt us, but we can forgive them because we want to be forgiven for our sins. Another time Jesus told an amazing parable on this subject in Matthew 18 if you want to look into this further.

Another resource of tremendous benefit to me was a book by Debi Pearl, “Created to be His Helpmeet.” The “unvarnished truth” presented in this book, geared toward wives, was the key to turning my marriage around, but would be worth buying just for the section titled, “Practice makes perfect.” We can practice bitterness, anger, and hurt, or we can practice thankfulness, joyfulness, peacefulness.

My husband was unfaithful to me years ago. Thoughts still pop into my head—when we’re having an argument and I feel attacked, I want to bring it up; during intimate times my mind wanders and I wonder about “her”; when I’m feeling guilty over something I’ve done, I want to bring it up to assuage my guilt… But like the woman who commented on forgiveness having layers like an onion, forgiveness is not a one time act. I forgave my husband when the truth finally came out, but I have to do it again each time it comes into my mind. Forgiving him means I don’t rub it in his face, use it to justify my actions, or to control him via guilt. I have hurt our relationship in many ways, chiefly with my anger, but I want him to forgive me and not keep bringing it up. In the same way, I choose to forgive and “forget” his faults.

As I learned from Debi Pearl, it’s like learning to play the piano: practicing to find the right notes to make beautiful music, I want to learn to find the notes of joy and peace in my heart and in my life. I can keep hitting the disharmonious notes of bitterness—it’s my right to keep sounding those notes, and no one will blame me if I’m hurt—but it will make an ugly song that everyone around me has to listen to. I can choose to practice the beautiful notes. I tend to rehearse hurtful scenes in my mind, making the script of my life a tragedy. But like Erma Bombek, Barbara Johnson, or Mary Roach, I’d rather make it a comedy!

Finally, a quote from Aristotle I have memorized says, “Excellence is an art won by training and habituation. We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but we rather have those because we have acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.

May other readers of these words be blessed and encouraged on their path to wholeness!

My mother was a self centered person that did as she wanted to no matter what. She was wild and didn't care what others thought about what she did. She would fit right in these days but in the 50's, she didn't. We were put in foster care 3 different times because of things she did. I was unhappy for all the years that I lived with her.
After I married and found out just how bad some children have been treated, I realized that she could have been a lot worse. I also realized that she had a hard childhood. Something had to make her so mean and uncaring. It also made me a more caring and sensitive person towards others. It is best to look at a person's good points when you can.
I forgive her but it still bothers me when I hear of the abuse that some people do to their kids. I don't feel that authorities do as much as they can to prevent some of the torture and child abuse that goes on. I know that this is so in lots of cases. When there is a divorce, children should go to the parent that they want to live with, as long as they are decent responsible people. Living with an uncaring parent, can ruin a child's life.

Forgiveness emanates from humble admission and confession of our own failures, mistakes and sins. Without a sense of guilt (not self-incrimination) and whole-hearted willingness for reparation and reform, there shall not be peace in one's heart.

Let's not forget that our inability to forgive the wrongs done to us burden us physically, mentally and spiritually; and it puts a huge block between us and God, Who is all merciful. His pardon is based upon our ability to forgive and forget. And the grace and enlightenment are immeasurable.

It is also believed that safekeeping anger consumes our whole being. Imagine its toll on our body and mind. Let's throw it out and what ease and peace will it bring!

FORGIVE AND FORGET FROM OUR HEARTS.

I think that when we are constant victims of abuse, it is because we received a message at a very young age maybe at an age that we can't even remember, when someone told us that we were either not worth it, there to serve others, unwanted, etc. Imagine if you were in another household raised by healthy people. You would not feel that way. Someone lied to you because they had severe problems of their own. I think that that you would have to see a professional to help you get rid of that message. I think what you CAN do right now and it has helped me is to eat right, primarily a vegetarian diet, stay away from alcohol cigarettes, and sugary/salty/fried foods. Exercise...even if you just have to start out exercising five minutes a day. And find something that you are afraid of doing, be it taking a public speaking course, swimming, anything healthy that you are afraid of doing. And only hang out with people who will make you feel good about you...even if it means having only one friend. Stay away from people who need an audience or who don't have the inner strength to be honest with themselves. I also am a firm believer in meditation, yoga, and the martial arts. I don't know if one could ever compeltely heal but you will go much, much further in your development if you follow the above advice. I also say stay away from negative and controlling people. They are too insecure to be around and have another set of problems. Be good to yourself and also put up boundaries and do not be afraid to get the life that YOU want.

My step-father beat my mother to death when I was a child, and got away with it..."She fell down the stairs". This happened in 1963 when spousal abuse was not discussed like it is today. My hatred, and anger, and perceived need for revenge made me a very difficult person to be around. Then one day, (I think I was about 32 years old), I woke up with a strong desire to find my step-father to tell him that I forgave him, that I loved him, and that Jesus loved him also. I did find him. My life changed 180 degrees that morning that I awoke with this miracle forgiveness in my heart. I am almost 60 years old now, and I can say for sure, that for me, forgiving my step-father was the greatest miracle in my life. If only the rest of the world could share the miracle of forgiveness, we would ALL be better off.

As a new member I am very interested in the topic of Forgiveness. As a 71-year old I know how difficult forgiving can be - I still get angry at people long since defunct & even when I convince myself I've thoroughly forgiven them, ten minutes later the old wrath comes boiling up & I realise once again my forgiveness proceeded from a shallower level than my anger. I note Dr Kim's remarks about visualising victimisers as very young children. This doesn't help me personally but a variant on this does - visualising victimisers as they will be when rehabilitated by God.
(Since I don't believe in a Hell - there's only Heaven! - everyone victimisers & victims alike end up in that place thoroughly rehabilitated). I welcome comments, criticisms.

I love some of the comments stated here on forgiveness. I too like many have many areas in my life of pain and rejection. I was raised in an abusive alcoholic home. Raped at age 11 and molested at age 15 by a high school teacher. I was beaten physically and mentally abused. Told I was worthless. I had tried to kill myself at age 15 1/2. These things had taken over my life, my thoughts and anything else. I hated people, but I longed to be loved by people. At age 18 I was introduced to God. desparate for some kind of love I had 2 choices. One was to believe everything God and His word said, and two to go on hating myself and anyone else that crossed my path. I either had to take control of my life by making choices to live or give control over to an enemy of hate and destruction.I chose to live and make choices. The road to forgiving all my offenders wasn't easy and I am now 30 something yrs into it. But I am free, free to love and be loved, free to give from myself the gifts the my creator has put inside of me. I believe there are 2 plans for my life......life which is embracing God and His word or death, the plan of God's adversary on my life. I also had to look at the plans for my abusers life. They like me also have choices, but not all make the right one. Some are so blinded through the glasses of their own disfunction. They see nothing else. They chose not to forgive and trust. The choice keeps a legacy of death and destruction. I too many time have questioned if my forgiveness was valid. Was it just words I said to make myself feel better. I recently brought my children to the place I was raised. I had brought them down to a lake near my home as a child. While at the lake I suddenly realized this is where I had been raped. When I turned I noticed a man sitting in a truck, I thought what if that is him the man that raped me. I thought for a moment and said Lord if it was I would like to pray for him to know what I know about love and forgiveness. I would like him to be able to be emotionally healed and freed from the pain he feels. As I walked around I noticed something on his truck....a vanity plate....yes the mans name that raped me was on that plate. I smiled and thanked the Lord for setting me free from the hate I had once felt for this man. I smiled because that memory had no power over me. I had turned to my children and continued to show them the things I loved in my life like skipping rocks across the water. We have to forgive to set ourselves free. Our mind and our bodies knows the differance. Someday maybe my experience will breath life into someone else. I will not become a bitter and spiteful person then I am no differant then my abusers. This life is not easy but it is possible to live it full of life, inspite of it all.It's good to forgive. Kim

If and when you can visualize the innocence, as you mentioned in babies, that helps, but also to know most all people do the very best they can, with the hand of 'cards' they are dealt in this life. For various reasons, abuse suffered themselves, or whatever else they might have gone through that no one may even know about, they can only function in certain ways, but no more than that. I believe most all do the very best they can possibly do, given the factor that affect them. I believe if they could do any better, they would, also. We all want to be liked deep down inside, though some may act like they do not care.
Just a thought or two more to ponder . . .hope this will help someone.
Janine

This is an excellent article that works well with yours. An excerpt: ""

"To those of you who are incapable of any kind of forgiveness, just remember that people aren't born with the intention to inflict pain. It's not how we're built, but rather what we become because of the choices we made in the past. And it was what we can cease to be in a moment if we so choose. In a moment, if we so choose. And when you don't forgive, you edge closer to a world of bitterness and greater pain and defensives. You build walls because you're too scared to be hurt again - but you will be hurt again, no matter what you do. It's a part of life and it's a part of the pleasure of this life because it's in those moments of pain and hurt and in the way you choose to overcome them that your character is defined. And here, you have a choice. You either face this life or you run from it. You either challenge it or you succumb to it. You either rule it or you are ruled by it."

Just cope and paste: http://www.onefemalecanuck.com/2008/02/on-forgiveness-apology.html

My life growing up was really rough. My Dad and step mom verbally and mentally abused me regularly.
I was in so much self-pity about my family life. As an adult I would tell people all of the awful stories, replaying them over and over again and I just couldn't let the memories go. I became an alcoholic/addict and had to go to AA to get better. In AA I learned that we have to be free of resentments. I was advised to pray for everyone that I resented. I made a list of everyone that I had a resentment towards and every night I prayed for each person. After a week EVERY resentment was GONE. Sometimes a resentment will sneak up on me and I know that I hve to pray for them. The prayer in "the aa big book" goes something like this: God(or whatever you chose to beleive) "I pray for ______. This is a sick person. Help me have a kind and tolerant view of them. Show me how to be helpful to them. Save me from being angry." I swear this works! For once in my life I am free from anger. I wish my other family members were open to trying this. Give this a shot! When you let go of anger you have more room for love!

When an adult has hurt another - the hurtee may have to imagine the hurter as an innocent child to move through the pain. To be honest, it doesn't really help me in a heartfelt way; only intellectually. Can we imagine Hitler as a cute baby? Yes. Does that help us forgive him? No. The only thing I think that helps is the notion of "forgive them for they do not know." In other words, the person is just hurting another blindly and with no empathy or compassion. It's done out of narcissism or fear. You forgive their ignorance. Well, I'm one who's having a lot of trouble moving through abuse and even Tyler Perry's rant to his father didn't help me. Though maybe it helped him, I don't know how he accomplished that shift. Maybe his father's, "I love you," was the medicine. And what about the consequences, hurt and pain of war. It's not how much money we spent in Iraq that wasn't used for schools or hospitals that ultimately matters. It's all the innocent lives that have been lost. Human never seem to get this. War is all about humans killing other humans and acting numb about it. Heads in the sand. That's why the lesson of war is repeated. Once humans realize all lives are sacred, war would never happen.