Appearances Matter

Originally posted in July of 2014 after the passing of my friend, Dr. John.

When I moved to the suburbs of Chicago shortly after my 20th birthday to begin graduate school, as much as I needed to learn about human physiology and clinical sciences, I was in even greater need of general life guidance. Having been raised by ultra conservative immigrant parents, I had more than a few things to learn about how to understand and interact with people.

I had the great fortune of having as a classmate a fellow named John who was 47 years old and excited to begin a second career. He had done well as a real estate appraiser and property flipper on the east coast, and though he never boasted of his wealth, I knew that John had earned enough to be retired, and was pursuing a career as a health care provider because he had restored his own health with alternative therapies and wanted to share his passion for natural healing with others.

Early on in our friendship, John shared the story of how he purposely bought and drove a beater car when he was courting the lady who eventually became his bride. He had 17 properties in his real estate portfolio at the time, millions in the bank, and could have easily afforded to showcase his economic wealth with an ultra luxurious car, but instead, he went out of his way to drive a somewhat rusty Hyundai Pony, and made sure that he gave no clues on where he stood financially.

I was in awe of John's mindset. While many go to great lengths to appear successful with the right clothing, accessories, vehicles, homes, and even the right friends, here was a man who had earned the ability to live with a few luxuries like a safer car but chose not to borrow an ounce of strength from anything but his own character. He wanted to be sure that the lady he adored had equal affection and respect for him - for him, not for the lifestyle that she thought he could provide her with.

That was around the same time I had started losing my skin colour in patches around my face and body. At the end of each semester when I returned home with larger patches of depigmented skin and hair, my mother looked for opportunities to use makeup and hair dye to make me look healthier for the folks at church. Though I protested a bit, I secretly welcomed the cosmetics and dye, as I believed that my vitiligo made me a freak show, something that relatives, old friends, and church members whispered about, gossiping about how things had gone wrong for me.

I can't say that John's story about driving a beater car while courting his wife-to-be completely changed how I felt about myself in my early 20's. But it was definitely a seed that sprouted to have enormous impact on how I go about my life today.

In the summer months, when the contrast created by my vitiligo is at its greatest, it's normal for most people to do a double take when they see me for the first time. I've written about this a few times over the years and how I've come to peace with it. But the facet of this existence that I haven't written much about is that deep down, I feel quite lucky for this easy way of being able to sense another person's basic life values.

Whenever I meet someone for the first time, I can almost instantly know how much compassion that person has for others. I am incredibly grateful for this. I love knowing how much interest someone has in just meeting and getting to know a new person when that person isn't so comfortable to look at or when nothing is known about each other.

There's a saying about sports revealing a person's character rather than building it. Isn't this principle true of every interaction we have with others, especially those we meet for the first time?

If we don't advertise our life circumstances, if we don't give people reasons to think that they might be able to benefit from befriending us, then we give ourselves a chance to experience new friendships or even just acquaintances that are free of selfish intentions. We give ourselves a chance to know another person's character and intentions, free of bias and expectations.

Nowadays, I really live for these pure moments when I can feel kindness in another person's eyes. Even if it lasts for a brief moment while signing books out at the library or during checkout at the grocery store, these few seconds can infuse me with warmth and a feeling of connectedness that inspire me to keep looking for goodness in myself and others.

My friend John taught me that appearances really do matter. He taught me that if we want to experience relationships and even brief moments that are rooted in kindness rather than self interest, it's best to appear just as we are. Thank you John - I will always be grateful for your friendship and the example that you set for me and others.