What To Do When A Loved One Is Chronically Negative

Dear Dr. Ben,

This was such a wonderful, delicate yet at the same time powerful read.

Among many insights in your post, the biggest gift for me this time was being able to connect the dots in my own life, as you shared that you don't talk with your parents about your hopes and dreams or any important decisions. I finally realized why the dynamic with my mom has been so complicated, especially since I began living more consciously. I always had such a deep desire to connect with my mom and share my life with her, but after sharing I usually have to spend so much time coping with her energy of fear and doubt. It feels so discouraging... I have realized that because she is not working on her own wounds, she will not be able to understand my increasing inner freedom and desire to act in accordance to my heart voice. 

But even knowing this leaves me puzzled - I want to communicate with my mom, but I am not sure what is a better way to do so. All I tried doing was being my true self with her... But it seems now I have to hide parts of me and not be as open. From your experience with your own parents, do you then keep the conversation only about the basic things? Also, is holding a space for someone with a victim mentality can be of any help to that person? It is usually very discouraging for me to listen to the negative talk, but whenever I ask my mom not to continue with this, she feels rejected, and I feel bad either way. I know there is a lesson for me in this, like in every other challenge I experience. 

I am truly ready to do things differently, and I would be so grateful for any advice on this journey. 

May you have a lovely weekend ahead.

Warmly,

Jurgita C.

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Dear Jurgita,

Thanks so much for your kind and thoughtful message.  My instinct is that there are some among our readership who will likely be able to share thoughts that you may find helpful.  So I'm posting this here with a request for those who feel called to share to please do so in the comments section below.

With my dad, I do limit our conversations.  I strive to be respectful and helpful, but I maintain a healthy boundary because experience tells me that when I am more open and friendly with him, we will invariably end up hurting one another.  I've come to accept that he and I have very different values due to stark differences in cultural upbringing and life experiences.  I would much rather maintain peace than to risk gnashing of teeth that is often the result of trying to be closer.

I've been able to share much more with my mom and vice versa over the past 15 or so years.  In recent months, I've come to the realization that our relationship is best when we don't talk about the past or discuss our views on certain matters.  While we understand each other, we differ in some of our core values, which is what causes friction if we're not mindful of what we talk about.  So that I'm not too vague, a foundational difference in mindset stems from old school Korean culture placing a lot of emphasis on saving face and doing all that is necessary to look good and proper.  I had the luxury of growing up in Canada, and having to work my way through school and figure out how to survive on my own from a relatively young age, I'm not wired to live with this same mentality.  

I'm in regular touch with my parents and strive to give them steady financial support, including Costco hauls that bring them great pleasure, and I'm happy with the sweet spot that we've found in our relationship, as it makes no sense to discuss matters that lead to all of us feeling miserable.  

I think what I've concluded is that we can't be all things to all people, even to our family members, nor can our parents, spouse, siblings, children, and other relatives be all things to us.   

It's clear that you care very much for the well-being of your mom - she is truly blessed to have such a daughter.  Unless she has a transformative experience that dramatically changes the way she views the world, I think it's safe to assume that she cannot be someone in your life who can give you the level of listening and understanding that your soul wishes for.  This isn't to suggest that she doesn't care - I'm sure she is caring in the best way she can in the moment, and regrettably, it isn't the type of care that you hope for.

Similarly, it seems that she needs someone to vent to and be comforted by, and she wishes that you could be this person, but for where you are at in your spiritual journey, you are not able to be the presence that she needs without being negatively impacted.  

As you wrote, you can't ask your mom to avoid talking about things that bring you down because this causes her to feel rejected.  Perhaps it's worth setting up your interactions in a way where there is less room for her to bring those feelings up.  For example, if you plan to chat via video or phone, maybe you can do it along with your young son - I would guess that she would be quite happy to speak with both of you about everyday things, and she won't feel that it's appropriate to bring up matters of personal pain in front of her young grandson.  For times when you get together in person, you might plan an activity or outing that you both find fun and engaging so that the experience is more about doing and being than it is about her sharing her pain.

This isn't to say that your mom should be left to marinate in her own sadness without any support.  Rather, it's to suggest that you don't have to be the one to fulfill this role in her life, and she likely can't provide the emotional connection and understanding that you are wishing for with her.  

I think that caring for those we wish to be close to requires that we understand ourselves and them well enough to know what level of care we can provide and expect to receive without either person suffering damage.  And for needs or wishes that are unfulfilled in one relationship, hopefully, we can find fulfillment through other relationships in our lives.  

We all need empathy at times.  But no one is well served when a person voices the same grievances on repeat.  So no, I don't think we are helping a loved one if we allow them to be a chronic "neg-head" in our presence - in fact, to allow this only further cripples them.  So by planning your interactions with your mom in a way where there is little to no space for repeatedly being negative or expressing self-pity, you will preserve yourself and also avoid encouraging such behaviour in perpetuity.

I hope that you're able to find some peace with this in the days ahead, Jurgita.  And hopefully, you will find some helpful thoughts from those who choose to share below.

With best wishes to you and your family,

Ben