Friendship Is Always A Sweet Responsibility, Never An Opportunity

Originally published in 2013

You know how it goes - you're pleasantly surprised to have someone take interest in you, thinking that they really would like to just hit some balls on the tennis court or chat over a smoothie or mug of tea. You're thinking that this person who has approached you thinks you're nice or interesting, and that this might be the beginning of a lasting friendship.

Then, you hear it. Words that make you feel like you just got greased.

"Now all I need is your credit card number."

"Hey, I feel so awesome taking this revolutionary product and you can make a lot of money if you check it out and sign up under me."

"Oh, by the way, I just started selling mortgages, so if you or anyone you know is buying, let me know - I'll take good care of you."

"I'm so embarrassed to ask, but I don't have enough for rent this month - can I borrow a thousand dollars?"

Usually, it's more subtle than any of the above scenarios. But the idea is one and the same: this person who has approached you with the air of wanting to be friends is looking to take. Maybe they're giving a little as well, but by the end of the week, you can be sure that they have taken more than they have given.

Actually, it's a bit easier to process if the person is a stranger or a distant acquaintance. It's far more damaging to be played for a fool by a family member or longtime friend. When a relative or family friend is clearly more interested in profiting off of me than caring about the well-being of my children, I'll still be polite, but emotionally, I'm done with that person.

I wasn't always so quick to close myself off. Before I became a father, there were many times when I wasn't strong enough to stand up for myself, to value myself enough to say no to those who wanted to take advantage of me. Now, as a father of two, I have so much more to be strong about - the feeling is that if someone wants to use me up, they want to take away from my children as well, and I can't knowingly let this happen. Not exactly the cloud of zen that I drifted within when I was younger, but this is my present reality.

I turn 40 this year, and let me just say that my days of feeling awkward and timid about gently declining such people are over. I try not to loathe because I know that the loather mainly hurts himself. But as soon as I recognize that I've been approached by someone who is faking friendliness to use me in some way, well, let's just say that said person's emotional bank account with me goes into the red.

I've actually developed some appreciation for people who just come right out and ask for what they want. If I feel that they are thoughtful and well intentioned, and if I'm capable of helping, I will. Just don't toy with my feelings, because friendship is a sacred thing, or as Khalil Gibran once wrote, friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity.

Sadly, those who consistently look to take advantage of others contribute to a world where people can become suspicious of your intentions when all you're doing is being friendly and thoughtful. Have you encountered this? You do something nice for someone because you want to make their day, only to be greeted by a guarded response that tells you that they think you're creepy or they're worried that you're on the verge of asking for a big favour.

So that this doesn't turn into a pure rant, I'll get to my main point: As I get older, I inwardly celebrate whenever I spend time with someone who exudes goodness. This person is sitting with me right now because she wants to share laughter, worries, and triumphs. She isn't calculating what I can do for her. She just wants to be my friend. She roots for me and she appreciates that I root for her. I've been around long enough to know how rare and special this type of friendship is, so when I'm immersed in one, I naturally cherish it.

Not surprisingly, I see goodness and selfishness in young children. When our older son Joshua took tennis classes last year, there was a classmate who liked to ask Joshua to play before class, but always as the monkey in the middle. Not coincidentally, this same classmate would not hesitate to cheat to win - up until that point in his life, this child had been raised to look out only for himself, and no worries if his gains meant that others didn't get to have as much fun. On the other hand, there was another classmate who consistently looked to be encouraging; she never raced to be the one who got to hit the most balls, she called the others to a huddle to pump everyone up with positive energy, and she regularly applauded good play by her opponents.

Though it hurt me at times to see Joshua oblivious to the first classmate's intentions, doggedly playing the role of monkey in the middle until the whistle blew, I learned to be grateful for both of these classmates. I could point to the first child and explain to our boys that this child's behaviour indicated that he would not likely make a good friend for the long term. And we could point to the second classmate's behaviour and discuss how special she is and what a blessing it is to have a chance to be friends with her.

To reiterate, friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity. If we can hold this reminder close as we trek through life, we can give our best to those who most deserve it.