How to Protect Your Health Against Toxic Behavior

The effect that toxic people can have on you is very real and very destructive. I have experienced this a couple of times. The advice above is important, but in the end, with a toxic person, you simply have to walk away. There doesn't need to be any great confrontation or shouting match, you have to gently drop them from your life.It is amazing how such people do gradually disappear and this confirms for me that they only really wanted to be with you to make themselves feel better: they don't have any concerns for the other person. And that is what real friendship has to be about. I regularly pray for my former toxic friends and hope that they may find happiness and the ability to have balanced friendships....with somebody else!

Thank you for your wonderful advice, as usual. I have had to deal with many toxic people in my family and outside of my family. I think the things that have helped me the most was: first, looking closely at my part of the relationship; second, communicating clearly and honestly with the other party; third, making a clear decision about how much space I need to keep between us if necessary (based on the circumstances) without feeling bad about it; and finally, insuring that I have learned something positive from the experience. I truly feel that if you learn nothing from your life experiences, they will continue to repeat themselves in your life until you do. Once you accept and grow from your experience, new journeys appear in your life and you tend to get out of negative "ruts" that may have plagued you in the past. By just walking away from people who seem toxic, without gaining something from the encounter . . . you may be more likely to continue to find yourself attracting the same people into your life.

I just watched an old episode of Magnum PI. Thomas Magnum was asked to protect an 18 year old, female super star, professional tennis player. She yelled and humiliated all around her. When the tennis star said to Magnum, "you don't like me very much?” Magnum replied, "you don't make it very easy". When her family wondered who was trying to kill her, Magnum said, almost anyone around her. In other words he was very honest and didn't pretend that her behavior was anything but obnoxious. Anyway, I always feel refreshed when I watch him in action. His honesty wins in the end. You don't see an apology, just honestly and coping with whatever. Just a thought, it blessed me!

Dear Dr. Kim

This is a topic that is very close to my heart and I know the story is long so I apologize for that in advance.

Very early in my life, I recognized Toxic people and understood at a very young age, 16, to take these people out of my life although at that time, 1966, I did not yet recognize the word "toxic". I just knew these people to be like large stones on top of my head and what I used to call, "bad energy in my space." Unfortunately for me, two of these people were my father, who was old an school European who felt that beating his daughters and wife into submission was the way to go and also my future husband and his family who were very heavy drinkers. I left my fathers home at 16 to run away with my boyfriend (who eventually became my husband)to become a "Hippie" in Yorkville. By the time I was 18, I had two babies 13 months and a newborn. I realized right away that I had gone from worse to worse. I did eventually forgive and make up with my father who died in 1971 of a heart attack at the age 0f 55. But I suffered through my relationship until I was 22 and had yet another child. When that child was 3 months old, I finally invited my husband to leave our home. There I was, 22 years old and a single mother with three children to raise. It still took me another 10 years to divorce and remove this man once and for all because he just kept hanging on and would not let go.

Over the years, I met and was associated with so many people who had the poor me's and who were only content when they were berrating and gossiping about others. I constantly removed myself out of the negative energy these people exuded. I have been accused by many "friends" and co-workers of dismissing people from my life. I have been told that instead of working things out and staying in something for the long-haul, I just walk away and write people off. I felt guilty very often for doing this to people, but what it came down to for me, was them or me. I could stay in these friendships and relationships and let them take me over and pollute my environment making it toxic or I could just walk away. I had a full time job and three children whose father was not a particpant in their lives, that needed me to be strong. I could not focus on the job at hand when other people were as I used to say, "emotional vampires" in my life. Therefore I spent many nights alone after the kids were tucked in. For me though, being alone and being lonely are not the same. I did not feel lonely because I made the choice to give 100% of my free time to my children.

I chose to walk away from the person who got belligerent and put me down and belittled me in front of our friends for fun when she drank too much. When I called her on it, she accused me constantly of having no sense of humor. From the men where demeaning and did not treat me well. When I called them on it, they accused me of expecting too much from other people and told me I would be alone forever because I scared all the guys away. I replied, "The only guy I am scaring away is my future ex-husband." From co-workers who wanted to make themselves feel better by putting down the single mother who could not afford to dress in the latest fashions. When I stood up for those people, I was accused of being a bleeding heart.

The first time I used the word toxic was when in 1996, when I lost my mother. My supposed best friend came to the funeral, and all she could talk about were her problems with her three step-children and her husbands ex-wife and the latest fight they's had. She also brought her todler son with her, who was screaming and crying the whole time and she kept telling him to go see Aunt Connie, me, for comfort. She said she could not find a babysitter and had to bring him. I was heartbroken to have lost my mother to breast cancer and all she could talk about was her, her, her and her problems. As you said in your statements above, I phased her out slowly after that. I heard a news report a little while later about toxic shock syndrome and the light bulb went on for me. That was what these people were like to me. They were my own personal toxic shock syndrome. The first time I used this phrase with my sister, who is very much like me, she understood exactly what I meant when she asked about why I didn't see "susan" (not her real name) anymore considering she had been like a part of our family for so many years. I just said, "she is just so toxic, I can't keep doing this to myself". She told me then what a great word that was to describe these sorts of people so I kept on using it as it explains it all.

I am 56 years old now and remarried to a wonderful man who treats me with respect and kindness. I have my three children in my life, seven grand children and two step-children as well as sisters and brothers. To this day, if someone comes screaming and pounding into my life, I just walk away and try to avoid them at all costs. I had to teach my 14 year old son this lesson when he kept getting into trouble with the police at my door. Tearfully but with a strong will, I sent him to live with his father. I kept telling him if he couldn't behave for me, he would for his father. He thought I was bluffing but it was tough love and I did it.

When my new husband's ex-wife kicked out his 16 year old son for being verbally abusive and difficult to live with, he moved in with us. I only agreed to it if he went for counselling and he did. But after time when he became comfortable and said his dad would not let Connie send him back to his mother,he became argumentative, verbally abusive, cussing a blue streak when he didn't get his way, and refusing to live in a peaceful environment with us. I asked my husband to please consider telling him to try harder to get along with us or he would have to go back to his mother where they are comfortable with that kind of personality. When by the age of 17 it was clear he would not be able to live peacefully, we did ask him to go back and live with his mother. By this time I had been diagnosed with high blood pressure. Every day I had to beg him to please come down and clean up the kitchen after making himself a snack at bedtime, and one night he flat out refused. I do not argue with people. I cleaned it up and the next day when he wanted to go on the computer, I said no and he said I couldn't stop him. 6 ft. 3" and almost 300 pounds, he was right, physically I couldn't. He went anyway and got furious with me when he realixed I had turned off all the power to the downstairs office and put a lock on the fuse box. Just as his father came in the house, he heard him say to me, "I hope your blood pressure goes through the roof and you die from it." Needless to say, he did go back to his mother because I said to my husband, "I can't force you to send your son away, but as much as I love you, I don't have to stay in the same house and put up with this." My husband had no idea how he treated me when he was not there. I continued, "it is abuse and I have spent far too many years eliminating this kind of toxic energy from my life." He is now 22 and has not changed much outside of our home, but when he comes here his is respectful of the house rules.

My husbands 17 year old daughter now lives with us for the last 18 months, and having seen what happened with her brother, she has turned her whole life and her whole attitude around. It took a lot of soul searching on my part and many months of promises from her and her father that she would behave and not make my life difficult. There have been some bumps in the road, but we all work on forgiveness and doing better next time. We are very proud of her and the huge effort she has made to live peacefully in a peaceful home and change her whole negative, combative personality into positive happy energy.

It is so difficult sometimes because often these people are brought in by other family members, or are a part of your family, so I try to limit my exposure. I have been called a "loner" and "cold hearted" when in reality I am protecting myself as much as possible from the bad energy.

I learned at a very young age the most important thing is to breathe deeply and be still inside. It is impossible to do when there are toxic people in your space. I am trying now to cope with high blood pressure and type II Diabetes so it is even more important for me to try to remain stress free. I thank God that I was blessed with a great deal of "common sense" because I believe that is what got me through my struggle with life at such a young age. I just sort of knew the answer inside whenever life became difficult.

Life is very good now and I am very blessed.

Connie

Dr. Kim, thank you for this insightful message. I’ve been receiving your newsletters for about a year now and am regularly impressed by your holistic approach to healthy advice. Having recently lived through a life-changing experience involving a group of traumatized individuals prone to toxic behavior these observations hit closer to home for me than anything else I’ve read thus far.

Since I was a teenager I’ve striven to be a more conscious, spiritual individual, and yet when I found myself suddenly surrounded by people who were hurting so much inside that they often expressed that pain by lashing out, I was dumbfounded as to how to reach viable solutions with them and often found myself adopting their energy, unwittingly—a habit I think I picked up from years of similar exchanges with my father, who had suffered from an alcoholic father as well as the tragic loss of his mother at a young age.

This new situation I found myself in was particularly tough, though, because it was a self-made one that was a mix of your second and third categories; we were all friends from school who came together to start a business with the hopes of using our art to spread positive ideals. Unfortunately, we did not know each other anywhere near as well as we thought we did; cue the irony: violent outbreaks became a constant factor from a couple of individuals, along with more subtle abusive, egotistic and selfish acts. Had I seen your message about toxic behavior back then it might have made a world of difference.

In the end, the toxicity levels became so lethal that neither the business nor our friendships survived. After the fallout—about eight months ago—I found that by finally being rid of that insidious situation and re-harmonizing with myself and my own wisdoms I could finally see very clearly just how perverted I’d allowed myself to become. As a result, I gained a great deal of personal insight about a lot of things, most notably how these type of energy exchanges work, how to sense them coming and respond with compassion as best as humanly possible…and ultimately how to avoid being dragged into them and remolded by them. It became clear to me just how easy it is to be corrupted by another person’s poisonous patterns despite one’s own sensibilities…and how it perpetuates from person to person unless we have the compassion and experience to address it wisely.

Everything you’ve presented here perfectly resonates with my own education in this matter. This is a very real predicament we as individuals and groups are faced with on a daily basis—one that affects our personal and global, physical and mental health in ways we as a planet are only beginning to comprehend. Education—like everything else—is clearly the key towards learning how to create healthier exchanges with our fellow man and help one another heal from our personal traumas…rather than adopt and reinforce them. The more physicians like yourself who recognize this and take the time to raise public awareness of this all-too real condition and how to deal with it intelligently, the closer we will be to a balanced and healthy society.

Thank you--again--sir,

Eric Wilmoth

Great article, Dr. Ben, and lots of good responses here. The are two things I would emphasize, and others have touched on these too.
(1) The importance of boundaries (especially to the section about family members): I agree that one needs to look closely at one's part of the relationship. One also needs to try to understand empathically and sympathetically where the toxic person is coming from. We need to extend compassion to them. Most of them are suffering agonies deep inside. Communicating clearly and honestly with the other person is quite helpful, but one also needs to be prepared that the other person cannot and often will not receive this honesty very well, even when given compassionately. And that's okay. It's part of the process. If someone is using guilt or other methods to manipulate us, it doesn't help them if we let them continue. We can extend love and compassion and at the same time, hold an appropriate boundary with someone. This is a difficult challenge to meet, but it is possible, and it is healthy.
(2) Learning something positive from the experience: Life is a spiritual journey, and all these people we encounter are in our lives for a reason. We have something to learn from being around them. If they are "pushing our buttons" then maybe we need to look within ourselves and discover why we have those particular buttons and what we might need to do about them. Maybe we need to learn patience, tolerance, or compassion. Maybe we need to learn how to forgive the unforgivable or love the unlovable. Maybe we need to learn appropriate boundaries.
I remember a wonderful saying someone emailed me once: "If a little love isn't working, try more love."

Advice please. I live in an apt. complex. Even though I don't have a car, every resident gets one parking space. My neighbor below me,who is vastly overweight, and slowly eating himself to death,bought a second car and now uses my spot. I've talked to him twice about this, and he'll abide by the rules for a while and then resort to the same behavior. I have a bad back from a drunk drivng
accident years ago (I wasn't drunk)and I'm a musician. Whenever I need to unload equipment, I frequently have to carry it much further
because my selfish neighbor has his second car parked in my spot. I also like to have the space available for guests.I'm very put off by the fact that this man has done NOTHING to lose this weight,let alone, just assume that because I have no car, that the spot it his.He's one of those "the world owes me" people and he brings out the worst in me.
Any advice?

Thank you, Dr. Kim, for broaching this topic. I believe my life experiences with toxic family members makes me a painfully informed witness.

I left home at age 18 after growing up under the complete dominium of a cruel father. This mini-tyrant used physical violence, material deprivation, verbal insults, and so many other forms of controlling behaviors in order to maintain his own personal fascist mini-tyranny.

The seven items listed in How to Identify Human Toxicity merely scratch the surface of his various behaviors. At age 52, much of my mental energy is still spent working through the low self-esteem issues that always seem to surface in new ways, as soon as I seem to have worked out the previous one.

I was a very angry young man. My two older brothers were also. We had drug and alcohol problems as we attempted to self-medicate.

At age 30, I married a woman with the SAME personality as my father’s. The marriage became the longest relationship of my life, as it was familiar ground for me. Within a year of the marriage, I developed adult-onset asthma and my life became a life of poor health. Only later did I learn how toxic people suck the breath away, your very prana. (Another poster called these people “emotional vampires”.) I later learned from yoga instructors and other spiritual people why I married this woman. They said I had “unfinished business” with my father that I was seeking to resolve.

I will tell you now that this unfinished business was only resolved when I finally walked away from the woman, this time replying to her threats to commit suicide if I left with, “Go ahead, make my day”. (She did not commit suicide.) I learned that there is no resolving relationships with toxic people. Forget about the unfinished business. You must not just walk away, you must RUN away.

Dr. Kim may disagree here, but I learned to give up on toxins, to not even bother with them. I’ve learned to listen carefully to the vibe I get from people. The instant I sense toxicity, I am gone. If this is not possible, the toxins quickly find that they are kept at arm’s length – with a rubber glove on.

My father is 82 now and he has not changed a bit. I live in another state and visit two or three times a year, spending only 3 or 4 hours per visit. I am coldly cordial toward him. He’s lucky he gets this from me.

My asthma magically disappeared after I shut my ex-wife out of my life. My brothers have not expended the same effort as I have on growing past this. Both now have potentially fatal diseases.

I’ve learned that when you beat on yourself, you attract negative energy. Negative energy attracts negative events…and so the cycle continues…

Those of us who have been dealt a bad hand of cards have to play them the best we can.

And we must not allow the negative assessments of toxic people to affect us, Goodness knows, we beat on ourselves enough as it is.

I’m way better off now at this stage of my life. Readers of this account might not agree. But I am in a relationship with a positive, giving woman – as opposed to a negative taker. I haven’t had a cold or illness in the four years we have been together. That speaks volumes. But much has been missed through the sustained efforts of self-healing. I have no children and no family relationships. But I’m okay with this, for me, it’s the price of serenity.

Blessings to you all.

Did anyone try to get to the root cause of their existence?

I think, I found it? It is money itself. Why? Money is anonymous medium of exchange that interferes in building genuinely friendly relationship that is ensured by exchanging favors without money. Money makes people judgmental and cause stratification of society. Someone might say but money is essential to "turn the world around". With today computers memory money can be replaced with a virtual multibarter...and there is already a patented project waiting to be tested and developed.

Best regards,

Stan

Hi to all first, I have as small story to tell, I am toxic and have problems with chemical in balance. I was posioned by large doses of toluebe back in 2003 and my life has taken many changes. I ask that if you run into people like me (chemical posion)dont be affend or judge us to quickly. There is a good saying dont or get mad at someone until you have walked in there shoes a mile most of the time we cant help how we are. One we some times give off a strong oder that has a sick sweet smell and we cant control when it will happien. You can watch us change right before your eyes our temperment, are skin can break out in red sploches or even bleed just seconds before we are normal we may feel fine then the next second feel weak or dizzy. Yes this causes us to strike back at anger even to ones we love for we hate who we are now at times it seems we dont have control of our own bodys or minds. Yes be toxic is terrible thing your emotions are like a roller coaster for depression to out right rage. yeah they can give you meds for it and and turn you into a zombie or you can deal with and learn control methods to handel. But the next tiem soem tell you hay i having a bad day i think in tocxic have little compassion for they might be as me we have had to deal with day knowning we are like a time bomb always ticking never know if we are offend some one by our smell, or are uncontrol actions of trimmors or, words we say or just are reaction. I ask you pray for us ther are many of us out here that have no control and seek and want help but it either cost to much or is to far to travel, we feel frustrated , usless, and sometimes beyond help. but for you that do suffer as I do dont give up hope ever, ok fight always fight to keep going, one day there is an answer and someone will care and help you.

Thanks

Jerry

hello, i need some advice, my freinds. i completely understand how toxic people can affect us...everyday i experience it. bad vibes just feel bad......but there is one toxic person that i dont know how to deal with. it is my mother. everyone in my family fears her....she has great anger, reacts impulsivly, and wont listen to anyone. if i try to talk to her about how i feel, she becomes defensive. i feel at a loss....any advice will be great help ^.^ thank you. peace and love..

I have just ended a toxic friendship.The person exibited behaviors that actually put me in danger with others.
One idea that I used to combat this person and try to help her be less toxic was putting a rule in effect in my home. If you want to say a negative thing about someone you must first stop and say two positive things. A neighbor I had a long time ago used this in her home and she cured a few of us from making negative comments about folks, plus she was a person who could fill you up with a good feeling when you were around her.
This rule has helped the children who visit my home also, they are being a little kinder to each other as they practice this positive thinking in our house.

I choose to add a consenting voice to the advice to extract oneself from the toxic environment as soon as possible. Yes, one should extend human kindness and love to every human, but if you have been around a toxic person long enough to observe that their choice is to do NOTHING to help or get help for themselves then for a certainty you do NOT help them by staying and allowing them to harm you. (I CANNOT state how important it is that people understand this ESPECIALLY if you are also responsible for minor children who have no choice but to remain in a toxic situation as long as you do.) Of course the same applies if you have only yourself to care about, but especially, if you have others who depend on you for their well-being.

Free will was given to us all and even in the case of someone being mentally or physically impaired to the degree that they CANNOT control their behavior, you would set boundaries so that others around them can experience an environment free from abuse.

Don't buy into the belief that YOU, YOU, YOU, can change another's free will. You can't and thinking you can is self-importance personified and completely FALSE. Wake up.

I loved this topic.

Especially the one submitted by Brenda on August 14, 2007 - 07:48.

I dont have anything to add to it except that I highly recommend to watch this here, it is a great movie.
Nutrition & Behavior: A Lecture By Russell Blaylock, MD

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7W-gba0GPwU

Dearest Dr. Kim,
I was very intrested in what you had written, particularly around how other peoples actions have and still do affect my mental health which at this point is in ruins. I respect what you say and was wondering if you had any thoughts on a big problem I have with stubborness and pride?
I have built lots of large walls to protect myself over my life I cannot see past them. I have less fear of getting into a physical fight with someone than I have of apologising to them or to be the first to extend the olive branch. I can sometimes try to quietly forgive but never forget.
It's a lot to walk around with. I really like the idea of being able to let go but I physically can't do it, I'm constantly haunted by the things people have said and done against me (except when I play sodoku lol!) but I can't do that all the time!
[Please can you help me?)
Yours Sincerly
Roisin.

This topic is so poignant to me right now that I am compelled to write briefly about my current experience. After a couple years of living in a chronically stressful and toxic situation, I finally made the changes necessary to remove myself from it, but found that I was not getting healthier. I was only 25 and was suffering severe physical and mental consequences (acid reflux, acne, bad digestive problems, anxiety, chemical sensitivity, etc.). And a most recent and scary symptom to me was that I was turning into my father. I was getting angry at my boyfriend for things like leaving messes around (though I am messy myself) and was annoyed by normal conversations. Unlike my father and other toxic people in my life, however, I was aware that this was not normal behavior. I was not mad about dishes in the sink, or annoyed by my boyfriend, there was some greater underlying issues that went deeper than the current stress I was feeling.

It took awhile, but I figured out that my body was overloaded with toxins from the years I tortured it by remaining in such a negative space, and maybe even stemming from childhood as well. The "natural cures" I tried for my physical problems did not work because I needed to remove years of toxins and get a fresh start.

I am now on day 21 of a restricted raw foods diet (I basically only eat fruit because I can't even digest fats and protein properly). I am still detoxing, but I am improving drastically. The first thing that came into check were my emotions. I don't get angry about nonsensical things and my relationship with my boyfriend is great. The physical problems still have a ways to go, but everyday I get better.

I intend now to write my father a letter explaining what I went through as a last ditch effort to get him to change. If this does not work, I will continue to leave him out of my life. As for the toxic people I don't feel comfortable trying to change, I don't have a solution for that yet. Basically, I am hoping that by improving my own mental state I will be able to more easily ignore outside negativity. Dealing with toxic people who are unaware that they are is difficult and I'm not sure they can be helped. We'll see! Good luck to you all.

By the way, it is interesting that the toxic woman in Dr. Kim's article was fasting (I presume) and still toxic. Perhaps it was the early stages of the fast? Perhaps there is no hope for some? It would be interesting to know if she improved.

I really appreciate your newsletter and I found this article to have a lot of useful insights.

To those who fear they might be toxic or who have not been able to get beyond experiences with toxic people in their past, I want to say that seeking qualified help for your need is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength that you are ready to overcome your problem. If you are carrying a huge weight on your shoulders, you may need help in getting it off.

Dear Dr. Kim,

I'm an actress, comedienne and an improv talent. I loved your "School of Rock" references. As a professional, let me tell you, there is no way to please everyone and there will never be a consensus of what is funny and what isn't. Comedy is what is sacro-sanct, not someone's hurt feelings. For every joke out there, there is always someone who is boo-hooing how their feelings were hurt or how their profession/family/disability/etc. has been maligned. There is only one litmus test for the validity of a joke; Is it funny?! Now, who decides if it's funny? We all do. So, if you don't find it funny, it doesn't matter because someone else did. Change the channel, don't go see the movie and don't read the blog if there is a chance that your delicate sensibilities will be offended but please, please let me enjoy what I find funny and let Dr. Kim share what he thinks is funny with those of us who want to hear it.

LOL,

Fuller Hunt.

Personally I feel that Dr. Kim's article was really well balanced in both asking oneself if there was something one could do to address the situation or take responsibility & making sure to rationally apply responsibility where needed.

I believe the Hoopoonoo healing was a great thing but I believe that it over-simplifies the picture. For some people I believe they have a path of learning how to be more compassionate hence they are able to apply healing by forgiving themselves or the other person. However, there are some like myself who have had "toxic" people in our lives & our lesson was one that many people miss which is: Learning to Love Ourselves also. We tend to be the types who are already naturally healers who tend to give too much to others...hence we draw in "toxic" people like flies to honey.

We forget to say..okay well I tried loving & forgiving but this person is still stealing, abusing, or stalking me....now what do I do? I agree with the idea of resonance to a certain extent. While I have greatly decreased in sensitivity over the years by healing myself & my own personal baggage ...it does not mean I walk around & am immune to a gunshot wound. I can still feel pain to some degree however it does not disable me anymore at all.

I used to misunderstand spiritual teachings about this sort of stuff so I can kind of understand where others are coming from with this concept but I learned the hard way that no matter what you do sometimes you must remove yourself & Love yourself because it may that person's life lesson to be a "toxic" person. This may be their chance for a better life...who am I to know what is best for them in the long haul? I also realized that spiritual people often develop great boundaries at some point. Just because you may understand & love a thief does not mean you open your pockets & say take everything especially if you need cab fare to get home that night.

:) I hope I have not offended anyone by posting this but I applaud Dr. Kim thoroughly for this much needed article. I see many people in my life who do not apply this & are depressed, anxious, & on medications & do not know what to do about it.

I myself suffered poorly healthwise as a result of longterm exposure to "toxic" people in my family. I used to think I had to be unconditionally loving which meant zero boundaries but I realize now that it is much easier for me to love them unconditionally 3000 miles away. :) Dr. Kim I really respect your website & your articles. Keep up the good work. I also personally feel (I work in the medical field too) that emotional well being is one of the major cornerstones in good health yet many people do not address it & I am glad that you cover this part of health also.

As others have shared, I too have experienced toxic people up close and in my family. In some cases, they were able to recognize their toxicity and sought to change their ways. I supported them as I was able. Since I'm not a perfect being and am evolving myself, my support varied based on my understanding and ability.

As Dr. Kim's article points out, we too might play a part in toxic exchanges, and when I concentrated on seeing my own part in it and making amends as I was able, it helped me to be more objective about the relationships I had with toxic people. Those who were aware of their toxicity and trying hard to change that and those who were oblivious to their toxic behaviour.

Sometimes, I could stay and help the person, sometimes I could not. Most times, when I could not stay, I left the relationship with great sadness, even if there was a sense of relief.

As I mentioned, some of these toxic people were family members. Once I was able to live away from them, I did. I worked on establishing healthy boundaries, released false guilt, accepted blame for things I had done wrong. In some cases, the toxic people chose to stay away from me. I could continue to love them, send holiday and birthday cards, and show I was willing to stay in touch. In one such case, a sort of truce ensued, and while it wasn't a warm, caring relationship, we were able to make peace, which made me very happy. When the person died, I could lament the toxicity that robbed us from a potentially happier relationship and let it go. I knew I had done all I could do at that time to make peace in that relationship (and I'm not a peacemaker by nature, so having to walk that path was also very difficult for me, but I learned many lessons).

One family member chose to hold onto the toxicity, even after everyone else in the family could see that she was hurting herself. Her toxic actions had inflicted a lot of pain and hurt on me. As hard as it was, I learned to let go. I couldn't change her, and the equation which was our relationship would not change unless one of the variables did. She was either unable or unwilling to change, so I did instead. Like Deborah, it sometimes meant that I ate alone rather than with others. Others didn't know the whole story, especially when the toxic woman would spew about how evil I was. It was sometimes lonesome, but I knew I had to be true to myself and my beliefs. I spent a lot of time in prayer and meditation about it. I was given many opportunities in which I could badmouth this person, but to my surprise (and I'm sure hers had she known), I didn't badmouth her. In some cases where the other party knew both of us, I honestly stated what I knew to be true. There was some kind of misunderstanding, she never directly told me what it was even when I asked her what I had done to cause it. I truly did wish to make amends, as she seemed very hurt by whatever it was I unwittingly did. I never did find out.

I tried inviting her to my house, and each time she accepted, only to stand me up. After many attempts, I decided that she could approach me when and if she were ready. I changed all I could in our relationship equation. If the variables I could change did not render active reconciliation between us, then I had to accept that I did all I could do and be ready if she became willing to change the variables that she controlled.

While I wish this relationship would end on a positive note, I don't dwell on it. I've made peace with the fact that this person has chosen to remain toxic for now and most likely for the rest of her life. I still remember the hurt, but it no longer wounds me. It has served as a lesson for me, and I do not wish to make the same mistake if I can help it.

What I found interesting was that once I truly had peace in my heart about this relationship, the toxic person did all she could to stay away from me. She tried doing hurtful things, but my wiring had changed. Once she saw her actions were ineffective, she stopped being a part of my life.

I find that if I'm in the company of toxic people and only toxic people for a long time, I tend to get sucked into their negative energy vortices. Perhaps those who are more centered and balanced are able to withstand the onslaught better and can effect more change by staying. In my experience thus far, I've found I effect more change by creating distance between myself and the other person, either by physical distance or setting and enforcing healthy boundaries.

I have dealt with my friends' past toxic behaviors in different ways, depending on various factors, with varying results. There are a few important areas of topic here:
1) MY ability to change myself;
2) MY ability to change others;
3) MY capacity to continue to sustain damage to the bonds of the relationship, as a result of being exposed to toxic behavior(s).
My efforts depended on my love for the other; my own limits of compassion; my own level of commitment; my own perceived need to help correct the condition; my related skill levels; the severity of toxicity directly towards me; severity of toxicity towards others (when not directly against myself); the measure of results from my past efforts to improve the situation; what I THOUGHT I could achieve; the measure of impact on MYSELF, of my efforts to help the other while positively or negatively impacting my own mental and emotional health; the severity of the damage to the bonds of our relationship that have held together in the past.
I have worked wonders; mostly with my becoming be more sensitive to my own abilities, limits sensitivities and needs; being much more aware what true compassion is, and, of my limits on what I have so far, achieved and how those limits HELP both the other person AND myself.
It is about improvement and empowerment for myself as well as the other and of my abilities and my love and understanding of humans and the complexities of behavior and the limits on what I have achieved and what I may be able to achieve. And also what not might be achieved. Questions: whose expectations are at risk ?; WHY should there even BE ANY expectations in the first place ?. We may be opening ourselves up to being or becoming overly vulnerable. Be careful; be thoughtful; easy does it. I now try to not to get too wrapped up in the problem or the fix; in myself or the effect. I DO my homework.
** AND I LISTEN **
And then I try to do the best that I can. This can be hurtful. Another person may be able to do more with the other person than you can. You may want to be ready for:
A) Maybe the person doesn't seem to change.
B) Setting expectations for yourself or others may be setting up yourself (and the other person) for failure.
BE CAREFUL HERE.
You don't know every thing and neither do I. The work is worth trying. Read all of these prior comments and then readd them again. See what works for you and see how you can try to improve the situation. Learn to take measure of what is going on; with the other's person's behavior and your own. If it still hurts or the pain gets worse, stop and think for going further. Theres is a time for everything. There is a time for you to remain strong. There is a time for you to stop and walk away. Recognize that learning is valuable to all. Use what you learn. By the way, I have virtually stopped creating expectations. I find them mostly useless and often are (were) detrimental (except maybe for academic or technical issues).
I recognize that there is a limit on what I THINK I can achieve and what I can achieve. Some bonds seem to be so damaged by toxic behavior that I can also see doing harm to myself and/or the other person if I continue to keep trying. I think recognizing my ability to grow is just as important as what I need to do to protect myself.
Maybe this will help...
I sincerely want to put out a fire in my neighbor's burning house but that does not necessarily mean that my unsuccessful attempt to put out the fire is cause for guilt or depression. Maybe I could have learned firefighting or have convinced the neighbor to spend more money on installing a fire sprinkler system in the basement or... or... or...
There ARE limits; but I try to not get caught up in those either. I do think that limits exist and I must be aware that trying to do well may not always work. I do the best that I can and and hope others can pick up the effort if toxic behavior continues. Finding peace can be tough but I think it is always worth every effort. Regards. GeorgE

I am so happy when I receive your newsletter, it is my heaven in my home.

I am a cochlear implantee, since Oct. 23/03 and since Dec 2/07 my life changed with the sound coming back and all its joy and sorrows. I am hearing a lot of people giving nasty remarks and it really bugged me, but on the other hand, life showed me another way of communicating and I consciously listen to my inner voice and send Light to these people instead of feeding back to their comments. It has helped me a lot and acquired wisdom through it.

I want to say how much I love your newsletters and all the wise input you give me, it is so amazing. I learned through my growing up, to use a positive word instead of saying as an example: "you are a liar, etc, "I will say I feel the truth is missing, could this help you?". I noticed that the person did not feel attacked and sometimes it helped to deal in a loving way to deal with the situation. I seldom use negative words even if they are in the dictionary, using it just emphasize the attitude to criticize and hurt people.

Thank you so much for all the goodness we receive from you every week. May God bless you.

Louise

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I worked 3 years as an administrative assistant to a very toxic administrator. After 3 years I walked away and it took me over a year to get over it. She screamed and threw things and would walk ahead of me in public and ridicule me in many ways. She publicly sabatoged me and that was the last straw. I was devasted. She claimed to be my best friend and crowded everyone out of my life. I bounced back with a wonderful change of job and reunited with old friends and am making new ones. I walked away and that was my survival or I would have ended up as physically sick as she is. Dr Ben I congratulate the openness of your articles you put on your website. Thanks.

Hello. This is my first time posting. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading Dr. Kim's article on how to deal with toxic people. I also realize my actions are, at times, toxic when I complain to my husband about what someone did at work or about something my mother did, etc. It is hard not to express your feelings about things people do each day so I believe it is important to find a constructive way to express them with compassion and not destructive criticism. Even though the people we work with are not in the room when sharing with my spouse what they did or said that day, it still affects them when they are talked about, in my opinion.

I appreciated what you said about not making up when you did nothing wrong. Toxic people don't usually think they did anything wrong, at least the ones in my life, and I used to apologize to make up but I ended up feeling worse so I've stopped doing that. If I call them on something now, I let it stand even though I always get the urge to say "I hope I didn't hurt your feelings by saying what I believed to be true."

I manage a Senior Mobile Home Park --- lots of people with lots of time on their hands, some of them using it for negativity -- and I'm here almost 24/7. Several years ago I was given this Prayer of Protection and I have it memorized. I could relate many stories about how well it works - but suffice it to say that it does and it works very well. Whenever I find myself in a situation this is the first "weapon" I pull out, even tho silently.

Prayer of Protection

Father/Mother God I/we ask that I/we be cleared and cleansed
Within the universal white Christ light
The green healing light
And the purple transmuting flame.
Within God’s will and for my/our highest good
I/we ask that any and all negative, evil energies
Be completely sealed in their own light,
Encapsulated within the ultra violet light
Cut off and removed from me/us.
Impersonally, with neither love nor hate,
I/we return all negative evil energies to their
Source of emanation, decreeing that they
Never again be allowed to re-establish themselves within
me/us or anyone else in any form.
I/we now ask that I/we be placed within the triple
capsule of the universal white Christ light of protection
and for this blessing I/we give thanks.
Amen

Peace and Blessings
Jane

I have to tell you that I do not agree with the part under the section of toxic family members when you say,
" if a top priority for you is to have your children grow up in a mostly peaceful and love-filled environment, it may be best for you to reach out first.

My husband and I have chosen to completely cut off communication with his toxic family members for that exact reason. Our top priority IS for us to have our children grow up in a peaceful, love-filled environment and that is exactly why we have chosen to walk away from the people who were causing us nothing but pain and dysfunction. No one has to put up with being treated in an unhealthy, dysfunctional way. Even if it is your own flesh and blood.

Thank you for structuring your introduction to toxic others by first advising that one doesn't judge or label the person they've decided is toxic; it's such an overused phrase, and it's a hurtful one. If someone hurts you, that person is hurting. Either for reasons you know of, or don't; if you wouldn't punch someone in the arm who had a dislocated shoulder, don't call people toxic. What you think of them is none of their business and vice versa because situations like this only create more hurt, more shame, and it goes on this way forever. Want to see change? Be change! Give what you need from others - if you need understanding, then try listening to them - if you need love, give love. If you need separation, give separation.

Hi Dr. Kim,
For 10 years I endured employment with a lawyer who constantly made me wonder how he had graduated from university. I am a former Court Reporter and have observed literally hundreds of lawyers. His inability distressed me, but every month the invoices literally made me feel sick. He would accrue charges for divorce in the neighbourhood of $30K and more - this was just the tip of the iceberg in some cases - when it could have been done for $2K or $3K. I knew that people trusted him because I'm a trustworthy person who cares and I always felt badly that in a sense I was creating a false impression. But where I live it's difficult to get employment unless you're bilingual and I highly doubted a new employer would invest in me becoming bilingual, because I'm not in my twenties.

This employer's behaviour was extremely toxic. I got to the point where I didn't feel very well and I took Dr. Kim's advice and (with almost a protest/quizzical look) of my doctor she authorized a Homocysteine blood test taken. It came back with a number indicating trouble. Too late to do anything, because about 2 months later I was admitted for major surgery. The day I knew my fate, I sent a stinging resignation to my lawyer employer and the Upper Canada Law Association and Human Rights. Amazing that Human Rights didn't even reply!!!

After surgery, a $2,300 month's stay in a Senior's Residence (another pretty interesting experience...) I returned home and made the decision to drop my complaint with the Old Boy's Club aka, UCLA. They obviously weren't interested in my wellbeing. I'm still thinking about Human Rights, but you know I need to live my life in a happy here and now and not rehearse the past.

I'm writing all this to say that I follow your thoughtful and intelligent commentaries and have been tremendously helped by you. Thank you, Dr. Kim! And obviously, the point I'm making here is that life's too short (I thought I was going to die) and if you have the personality to "put up with" toxic behaviour, please think twice about it because I am absolutely positive it was the cause of what happened to me.

As a bit of a p.s., I ordered some Jonah creams and your suncream and Crystal at your facility in the states was so nice - she really exhibits the qualities of the people who would be attracted to work with you. She's lucky, but she's also a wonderful person!!

Thanks again for the time and trouble you devote to humanity. I am very grateful.

I think the one thing above all that truly toxic people are good at is figuring out others' weaknesses and playing on, or taking advantage of them. This gives them a sort of sense of superiority and control over you. Often you don't realize but you go along with that control because you believe in your own weakness. Sometimes your only "weakness" is that you are a decent, caring person who doesn't like to hurt others. You have to recognize when your decency is being manipulated by someone.

I think it's important to set boundaries for oneself. When dealing with a toxic person, self-examination can lead to one feeling they did something to offend the other party when in actuality they didn't. The offended party "owns the problem". If boundaries are set beforehand on what one will or will not accept, then the self-examination is clearer.

I've found the book "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud to be helpful in this regard.

When I identify toxic people they have no place in my life, I make sure they are not in my circle to cause grief, pain, or humiliation! I do try to figure out why they act so badly to understand where they are coming from. I attempt to forgive and show kindness but when that backfires I turn and shut the door. I will only open the door when that one comes to the plate and ask for forgiveness and wants to make it right with me. I am by myself (no spouse, nearest family member is out if state , and girlfriends are out of state), with that being said I have to sour onus my self with loving people. I have no shoulder to lean on which is needed to deal with toxic people. I am strong and believe it's my job to protect myself from toxic people to have peace.

My father died two months ago. Today my colleague told me I had been a nightmare to work with since my father's death. No compassion, no consideration, just a bunch of snide remarks for the two months that I have been grieving and today he decides to tell me how bad I have been. Excuse me? Oh, and he told me I was paranoid. All i have wanted to do for the last two months is keep my head down, do my work and not discuss my very personal grief with someone who has had a compassion bypass. He expects me to apologise to him. I feel so depressed and devoid of any ability to fight back. He will get me sacked because he's a manipulator. Sweet one minute, verbally abusive the next. He'll work it so I am the one in the wrong. I want to leave but I need the money. Without this job I will be homeless.

The toxic behavior i have to deal with for rest of my life is from my child's father... We are not together and his behaviors are up and down and he yells and degrades me.. My life is going accordingly and doing well until i have to encounter him. It is draining and aggravating! He doesn't communcate with me on a daily basis so he'll randomly text or call me and i instantly get anxiety because i don't know what kind of behavior to expect... It's insane. I'm grateful i don't have to deal with him on a daily basis but i wish he could be more mature and cooperative for the sake of our child he's more interested in humiliating me and the temporary things that keep him sane. Sad.