Adult Freeloaders Mailbag

This past summer, in sharing some thoughts on how to deal with adults who regularly take advantage of others, I received a number of thoughtful replies, two of which I share here with for added perspective for those who may benefit. Please note that these messages are being shared with permission.

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Dr. Kim,

I am on the board of directors for a homeowners association. Two of our owners died in the previous twelve months and we have found out that both of them had taken out Home Equity Reverse Mortgages.

Their heirs and assigns were unaware of this or that there was no equity left upon the owners’ deaths. Ownership has been released but not transferred formally. As a result, taxes are delinquent and yard maintenance is not being done. The burden is being transferred to the other association owners.

I’m sure that there may be a few legitimate situations appropriate for reverse mortgages. In the majority of cases though, the lenders appear to have a legal means of taking advantage of senior citizens with the lure of “free” money up front and ignorance of the consequences.

Pitches by celebrities on TV make it seem so very appealing.

John R.
Washington

Addendum: Reverse Mortgages are often called Home Equity Conversion Mortgages (HECM).

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Dear Dr. Kim

I read your last newsletter about elder abuse and wondered whether you’ve heard from others like myself?

I am the main caregiver for my 97 year old mom with vascular dementia. When she first started having falls some ten years ago, my siblings wanted to put her in a home, but because of the falls she was put in extended care rather than assisted living. I had thought - and said - from the beginning it wasn’t a good idea but was overruled by my two siblings. Their thinking was “She’ll be safer there.” But her mind was still very active and being institutionalized with company that was almost catatonic took an immediate effect.

Within 6 weeks she had gone downhill so much that I asked her if she’d like me to bring her home. Of course she agreed and again my siblings fought it. But as her medical representative, I felt strongly that I owed this much to her, rather than leave her abandoned to a fate that was slowly devouring her. So I fought my siblings and managed to bring her home.

That was 3 years ago now. She has had 3 years in the home she loves while I took on all the necessary caregiving tasks - dealing with medical authorities; dealing with government funding offices; making/attending appointments with doctors, mental health practitioners, geriatric specialists; interviewing and training caregivers; ordering supplies and following up their sometimes waylaid deliveries; checking and managing all caregivers round the clock, even filling in when we couldn’t find a replacement for a sick caregiver; making time to sit and visit with her in between the hectic schedule I’d built for myself; etc. The list of things to do is never ending, but the reward is my mom is happy to die where she is and her care has been stellar for these past three years. She has not had any more serious falls and though my siblings have refused to be involved in her life (other than to police her savings accounts) we have managed to cope without them.

I’m sure you’ve heard about caregiver burnout and the sad reality that most children don’t want to take on the responsibilities of caring for their parents. But I feel quite strongly that if I’d had the support of my siblings, this special job could have been adequately managed by all three of us. My health is very poor now, and my emotional and financial situation are also degraded. On top of those difficulties, the other traumatic aspect is that I have been accused of elder abuse because I use my mom’s Visa to pay for all expenses incurred by her home care.

I know that elder abuse does exist but I wonder how many others there are like me who have been accused unfoundedly of doing wrong while giving up their entire lives for a parent? There is very little support for caregivers and at a certain point one has to choose between preserving limited energy and going to a support group: given all the other duties expected of us, there just aren't the resources of energy to go around.

These days my life teeters from one extreme to the other, either an overload of requests for my mom’s situation or a yaw of solitary time when I begin to know how the loss of my best friend will feel. That being said, even knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t have done it differently. It’s been an honour to see my mom through her old age and watch the changes take over; I wish all of us could have the same peaceful ending without others finding a reason to accuse us of somehow doing it “wrong."

Sincerely,

Penny

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Many thanks to John and Penny for sharing their valuable insight and experiences. If you feel called to share any thoughts in response to either of their letters or on the topics of elder abuse or adult freeloaders, please feel free to use the comments section below.

- Ben