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Our Greatest Need
A few years ago, I was surprised by a longtime client of mine who, out of the blue, remarked that he felt that his life was a failure. His tone was reflective and melancholic, and I could tell that he had given a lot of thought to this feeling before sharing it with me.
A retired, church-going real estate broker, he was in his 80's with two grown children and five grandchildren, all well educated and healthy. His wife of more than 60 years was still by his side, and he was financially secure in his retirement.
So why did he feel like his life was a failure?
He couldn't ignore the cold reality that no one deeply cared about him. He knew in his heart that even his wife and children didn't truly respect, trust, and love him. Sure, his family did what they had to do on special occasions, but the big elephant in the room was the undeniable truth that those closest to him didn't enjoy who he was.
He easily talked about the importance of being loving, humble, forgiving, and compassionate. But several quiet and lonely years of retirement gave him enough time to realize that over the years, for the most part, he didn't really spend too much energy thinking about those around him.
He cared mostly about his socioeconomic status, being respected as a highly educated man, having people treat him like he was someone special, and enjoying his hobbies.
It's hard to forget the sad, defeated look that was on this man's face as he voiced these thoughts. He realized quite late in his life that he had spent most of his adulthood focusing on things that ultimately left him feeling sad and lonely.
I would suggest that our greatest need in life is to feel cared about. We can give lip service to being independent of the opinions of others, but at the end of the day, my belief is that nothing fills us up like knowing - really knowing - that we have the respect and even reverence of those who we deeply love among our family members and friends.
When we know that we have not earned the love of those we love, it's near impossible to experience an emotionally balanced life that has us accessing our best potential in many areas, including our health.
Some might say that we should just be true to ourselves, and that authentic love is unconditional - that if our family members and those close to us don't love us because of our behavior, then those people should just bug off. I, too, would have said just this several years ago.
But the older I get, the more I feel that there is very little unconditional love in our world. For the most part, the love that others feel for us is dependent on how we behave, more specifically, how we treat them.
Put another way, how much we love others depends on how they behave, and how much others love us depends on how we behave. It's the law of reaping what we sow in action at a most basic level.
Unconditional love does exist, as most parents can attest to. For example, if your own child purposefully hurts you or misbehaves in a big way, though it's possible to experience intense anger in the moment, love for your own child doesn't easily shatter and dissolve away.
But with most people, love is fickle in that it's only as strong as the efforts that are exerted to be thoughtful and generous. And perhaps rightly so.
What if you can identify with the retired real estate broker mentioned above? What if you feel some sadness in knowing that your behavior at times in the past has resulted in few people genuinely caring about you?
Be encouraged by just being aware of these realities (should they apply to you). Without awareness of how your behavior has shaped how others feel about you, it's near impossible to improve the quality of your most important relationships.
Please stay tuned for my next blog post for some thoughts on how to create a life that's abundant in warm and loving relationships that are essential to experiencing your best health.
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Comments
Thank you Dr. Kim. Your
Thank you Dr. Kim. Your thoughts are insightful and the connection you draw between the health of our souls and that of our bodies is right on spot.
I also want to thank you for not being another one of those "face" healers with business people behind them pushing products. You have a limited selection of quality products you provide - please don't slide into the pit of profit over purpose. Profit is fine, but not at the expense of your calling in life.
Sermon over.
Our Greatest Need
Dear Dr. Kim,
The more I read your messages, the more enriched and informed I feel. "Our Greatest Need" touched a very tender spot, as I am so far from where I imagined I'd be at this stage in my life. In seeking to retrace how I got to my today, I realize that I have not been as loving nor, therefore, have I been as loved or even as <strong>liked</strong> as I desired. Struggling in my finances, in employment and, now on the other side of the hill, experiencing low energy and physical challenges, I believe that, were my interpersonal relationships more fulfilling and plentiful, the above challenges wouldn't weigh so heavily in my heart, i.e., I'd be able to give them the "light touch."
I look forward to your expounding further on this topic and I am eager to strive to apply your insights.
Thank you so much for the many gifts you give in each of your messages.
Peace & Blessings to you.
Our greatest need
Dear Dr Kim,
It is only when we are older I think that we start to think about these things, they arent all that important when we are young and life and living is ahead of us. I can empathise so much with your 80 year old client. I am not married, am fairly lonely now, but have the blessing of the unconditional love of dogs - can't underestimate how important they are when you have no one else in your life. Please keep up these wonderful articles.
Kind regards
Peta
Our Greatest Need
I agree mostly with your premise, but I think you have to take it a little farther. You must first love yourself, truly care about your own well-being, before you are able to love others completely. Each of us needs to examine ourself and take an objective look at both our faults and our strengths. If we tend to dislike others for some reason, it is usually because they remind us of something about ourselves that we find intolerable. If we expect others to be tolerant of us, we need to extend the same toleration to others. Loving is not reforming, it is accepting. Love says, "You're okay, warts and all" but it is also caring enough to help others overcome their faults. Often this means bearing the brunt of their anger when we gently remind them their behavior is offensive and should be modified. I tell my grandkids, "I love you just the way you are, but not everyone else will. I want others to love you the way I do, so you need to act better so people will like you. Then when they get to know you better, they will love you, too."
I really think taking the time to understand who we are helps us to understand others. My life is not like anyone else's but I have experienced similar incidents in my life that allow me to relate and understand other people. If I work at understanding them, I can't seem to stop myself from loving them. After all, they were made in the image of God Almighty and He loves them unconditionally. Who am I to question God's taste in people?
Our Greatest Need
Once in a while our dear Dr. holds a mirror in front of us and helps us reflect and examine, also triggering more reflective comments. This one came at the right time for me, thank you both, Dr. Kim and Claudia for the sharing so insightfuly.
David Nakov
Unconditional Love
At the risk of being unpolitically correct, the best unconditional love comes from God. I find the more we move away from Him, the emptier our lives become. I was in my own private wilderness for 30 years and recently came back "Home". I cannot tell you how much more fulfilled and at peace I am these days. Do I still have the problems I had before? Of course! But now I feel I truly have someone guiding me and who loves me no matter what.
Our Greatest Need
Your article entitled "Our Greatest Need" was truly awesome b/c the older I become, I am beginning to realize that life is not about amassing things but instead people. I want to make sure that the people around me know that I love them. When I say the people around me, I am not only speaking of family and friends but truly the people who are around me on a daily basis. I may not like everything that someone does or says but I love them enough to share a kind word or greeting or a smile to brighten someone's day. I try to make it a point to find something nice to say to every person I encounter. I wasn't always this way. I am an educated professional, married with two sons. I use to describe myself as beautiful first. But now I know the true meaning of beauty. I became very ill after being healthy all my life and it really can put things into perspective for you pretty quickly. I was always a good person but I strive everyday to be better. I know now that life about relationships and the quality of time spend in developing and cultivating these relationships. Thank you so very much Dr. Kim for sharing this b/c it reminds me that I have stumbled onto a good path and I need to continue down this road. I try to live my life in such a way that it provokes others to love. Thanks again, Dr. Kim.
Additional to the above article
Dr. Kim, although I agree with you for the most part, I think that the much overlooked factor in the happiness of a life is the fact the person has felt valuable to others. It is a selfish view for the man to feel victimized by the way he lives his life. He has only to start today to help make others feel good about themselves and their lives. It needs not to be "all about him". I am sorry to be so harsh, but it is a miracle when one can successfully raise the spirits of another in relationship to their own estimation of themselves. Its not about him, its about others. He can start by being truly concerned and interested in the lives of his family and how he can help them. He needs to be "interested" not "interesting". Just this one shift of attitude to be outside oneself and be more concerned for others is miraculous in the extreme. Its like a boomerang that comes back and makes you happier than you have ever been! Go figure that forgetting about yourself and getting involved in the true caring of others would be the answer to happiness! Hope this makes some sense.
Sunbeams
Thank you
A big thank you to everyone who took the time to share their thoughts on this topic. I appreciate the collective spirit of all of these comments, and hope that this string of thoughts is helpful to others out there.
Unconditional Love
This article was so relevant to where I am right now: 48 years married and my husband (and he's been my best friend) recently became an invalid, and is not getting better (at the moment). What a test of what kind of love both of us have for ourselves and each other! It's been an extreme challenge for me, and sometimes overwhelming, but so far I am learning and growing and growing up
Dawn