Can Selfish People Change?

I feel that the only way your brother will see things the way he should see anything is he will have to fall off his high horse somehow and then something will happen for him to see the error of his ways. You and your mother both tried to help him and nothing is appreciated and that is the reason you both feel as you do. I believe he will change for the better only after something happens.

Dear Emma, I struggled with a similar situation.... The answer is "no" they cannot change..... There is no reason to, it is working for him! I suggest you read Scott Peck book, Children of the Lie. He wrote A Road Less Traved. It explains people like this and helped me to quit suffering over their manipulative evil ways..... You are the one hurting, not him .... It will
Bring it to a conclusion and peace for you. Regards, Kathi

I used to believe that people could change but in my own experience, after years and years of continually getting taken advantage of by a sibling, and to clarify, this is a sibling who has borrowed five figures' worth of money from the only surviving parent with no intention of paying a penny back, I realized that my sibling has a narcissistic personality disorder. These people will suck you dry and not feel a whit nor a pang of guilt. They feel entitled to whatever they get, whether through honest means or unscrupulous ones. No parent wants to warn a child about another one but some people are beyond redemption! It's just based on my experience, but I've found that someone just gets worse and worse with age. I would recommend that Emma create healthy boundaries and protect herself from exploitation because that's what will happen. Nothing hurts like getting burned for the tenth, twentieth or fiftieth time! I wish I had more positive news to share but with this situation, it's important to save one's self and spirit from further harm. Dr. Phil once said, "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." I've seen it happen. Best of luck, Emma.

My old man was the most selfish, self-centered, racist, demeaning & hurtful person that I have ever known. I left home at 15 1/2 just to get away from him and not be like him. He never changed, and left my mom with nothing much for all the years she put up with him. No, people don't change.

Hi Emma,
Your brother sounds like a sociopath. There is a difference between just being self centered and being a sociopath. Sociopaths are beyond help, whereas someone who is simply selfish, can change if they recognize the behavior and make a concerted effort to correct it. Your mother being co-dependent doesn't help the situation. You can be in his company when it is necessary, but there is no need to reach out or to let him into your life when it isn't. There are a lot more sociopaths than people realize, because they are chameleons that know how to charm and manipulate to get want they want. Kudos to you for not letting him manipulate you.

Best of Luck,
Linda B.

I think it can go either way, they say leopards don't change their spots which I think is true, but surely there has to be some exceptions. I think life experiences are the only influence on people changing their selfish ways, they have to get bitten to be changed to a decent person.

I am sad to say that some people are bloodsuckers. They will find the person with the biggest veins and will continue to suck until the veins are dry, the will then look for a new victim . These people need to be stopped! They don't look out for anyone else but them selves. I wish you luck, and for heavens sake DON'T GIVE HIM ANY MONEY. If he ends up in jail, he belongs there! Help your mother and other realitives understand he has a problem. He is an adult. It's time to act like one.

No. It's my experience that extremely selfish people such as you describe will not change. They don't want to. They are sociopaths. It matters not how wonderful and secure their upbringing and family were. I was married to such a man for 30 years. He had wonderful parents and siblings and he was brought up in the church. He was only interested in people if they could give him something. He manipulated many people and lied repeatedly. He stole his children's piggy bank money and later stole their college funds. He stole his elderly mother's car. He stole from partners and when confronted he felt no guilt and no remorse. My advice is to quit hoping for him to change. Quit hoping for a warm relationship with your brother. There are flaws in his character that prevent a change or his even caring about one. He only wants to use people who are friendly, loving, caring and forgiving. He sees those traits as weaknesses and those people as easy marks. This is not the fault of anyone in your family. It could be karma in a way you can't see. He's paying for something that was done in a previous life. Or perhaps it's an inherited trait from an ancestor. To protect yourself from him and to protect your own sanity, separate from him emotionally and physically or you will find yourself being used further. It's not likely that he's concerned that he owes his parents money or support. He probably could foresee that he could get away with what he was doing. It's painful but there are people like this in the world who use and hurt those who love them. It's best to avoid him and don't expect anything from him.

I think Emma's brother is very insecure. Indeed what he has done is atrocious. Can he change? Only with therapy, turning to God's Word, gaining confidence.

In today's world alot is expected of men and success. I get the feeling he feels he can't succeed.

Emma; I have a brother that is no one I care to be friends with, haven't seen him in 7 years and my life is better without him. Liar, cheat, thief, manipulator, selfish agenda's, robbing my mother blind, trying to trick her into taking on his IRS debt. Not on my watch. I suggest you find a way to protect your mother. I verbally warned my brother with charges if he did anything to hurt our mother physically, mentally, emotionally or financially. I took care of her for 13 years and when she died he only did one thing....run to the insurance policy money. If you allow him in he will eventually destroy anything good left between the family. Love is foreign to people like them. Mj

In answer to the letter by Emma B. I want to first say that I have a brother that is the same way. No one knows for sure if people like your brother and mine will ever turn around but I know one thing for sure and that is that there are some people in this world who are toxic to us. They harm us in their words and behavior and even if someday they turn their behavior around right now you need to protect yourself and your loved ones from them and if they turn themselves around then you can re-evaluate then. It is important that you protect yourself and your loved ones from these people because they can harm you emotionally, mentally, and physically. Even if you don't think they would ever physically harm you, they are doing just that by the stress they put you under which causes you physical harm. I know this first hand and I had to leave most of my family and create a new family of those who love and care for me not try to destroy me. Even if they don't understand how harmful their behavior is, it is still doing you harm so until they turn themselves around. Please protect yourself. I have to believe that the best revenge is living well. I hope you do well. You sound like a loving caring person and there are not enough of those in this world. Kim

You can't fix other people. You can choose to be free of their toxicity by turning them over to God and shielding yourself and others by surrounding yourself with the Love and Light God is. Personally, I have gone through a similar experience. I asked God for a vision to help me. I saw that the two of them were on the other end of a tug rope and I was alone on my end. I was tired of the struggle and let go of the rope. They fell in the mud. Two days later they agreed to a settlement of our financial drama, thereby releasing me from the pain and angst.

Yes, I think people can change, but, I believe only God can do the change in him. No, I haven't *personally* met anyone who has changed that drastically, but I do believe that when God takes a hold of someone, they can change. I think he may continually live selfishly if no one stands up to him, because he seems to think that he is entitled to getting help from others. I suggest being firm in not giving in to his financial "needs". I think your mom is living off of fear and guilt in thinking that she will never hear from him again if she confronts him. That will only enable him further. I say these things from my own experiences with my sister's significant other. From the moment he stepped into our lives, since he got my sister pregnant, he has drained my mom and dad of time, money, and energy. Even was abusive toward them, but there seems to be a stronghold there that keeps them from kicking him out of the house. They have four children and my mom has a hard time kicking them all out because she's always been afraid that they will have to live on the streets. Anyway, sadly your mom is only enabling him to continue in this cycle. I'm sure it is heart wrenching for her to think that he might not talk to her if she confronts him. I hope that she musters up the strength to stand up to him. And maybe it would be a good thing if you were there as well to support her and be ready to make a phone call if he ends up getting violent. Praying you find peace in the chaos, my friend!

Hi Dr. Ben,
Emma's brother seems to be a perfect example of a narcissist or even a sociopath. I had one of each as a sibling and I don't believe they can change. They are difficult personality disorders to treat because they don't believe there is anything wrong with them! The telling characteristic would seem to be the sibling's response to being told "No". People with these personality disorders seem incapable of putting someone else first. I would recommend the book 'Why is it Always about You: The seven deadly sins of narcissism'

If her brother is truly siphoning off funds there are simple legal remedies. Go to the banks or brokerage firms holding the accounts and make changes to the documents giving him access to the accounts. He doesn't even need to know it has happened... and he probably shouldn't know about it ahead of time. If he is doing it to his own Mother he is probably doing it to his clients and that is a crime... Well it is also a crime to do it to his Mother but will she call the prosecutor's office just for her loss? It would be a good thing if she did because she would be protecting innocent people who don't realize what is going on. I have been in this situation and it won't get any better as Emma's Mother ages and it may get a lot worse.
All my best wishes to Emma and her Mother for what is a difficult situation that will only get worse as time goes on.
Rev. PT

I personally believe that anyone can change if they want to and are willing to put in the necessary work, because change is not easy. But if they are not willing to di either, it's up to us to decide when we've had enough of their selfishness and let them go, with love and blessings to them

Emma, I am so very sorry for the brother you have. Hopefully it will be ten years before you hear from him again. There is nothing wrong with forgiving yourself because you can't make your brother be who you want him to be. But I personally don't feel you have to announce this new way of dealing with your brother to anyone. Parents tend to blame themselves when they have a child who has become the type of person your brother is. So your Mother maybe outwardly upset with you but deep down she is not. She is doing a lot of sole searching wondering where she went wrong with your brother. There are some people that truly only think of themselves and there isn't any type of parenting that would make a difference. There is only one person who can change his human behavior and that is your brother. Say a prayer when you see your brother be cordial the way you would with any human and be done with it.

Dear Emma, You are a beautiful person and this I know from your descriptions of people, including your brother. Have you read about sociopathy? He might be one of them. My sister (my only sibling and younger than me) is a piece of work too. She has very hi IQ like my father who was Mensa type and fantastic human being. She always caused problems and loved to pin the blame on me which Mumsy accepted verbatim. Fast forward, Mumsy went back to England to live with an old Airforce friend after our father passed on and then my mother's friend also passed on. Mumsy was very wealthy. I never cared about that. We talked about her coming back to N. America and I suggested she live with my sis 6 mos. and 6 mos. with me. I like theatre and music and my sister lives on a farm in Kentucky and is a nurse with several children and a husband who lives in a trailer. So without me knowing Mumsy purchases a little house in Kentucky and my sister moves in with her and no, my mother won't be living with me half the year. I visited a couple of times and it was painful - my mother (looked just like the Queen) in this setting was not happy I think and I gently broached the subject and she told me some wild behaviour on the part of my sister's husband - he wouldn't ever knock on the door, drove up in the truck followed by a pack of dogs and the door would burst open and he would keep talking from that minute on. It made me sad, but my sister has always been a very powerful type of person and "got her own way." July 7 I called my Mum to wish her Happy Birthday and she was 87 - we had a great conversation and she said, I think I'd like to live to be 90, a nice round number! By August she was dead. My sister, a nurse, told me after I had signed the cremation documents and faxed them back to the funeral home, that she had broken the rules of nursing and had given my mother an overdose of morphine. My mother was a very bright and sparky woman who would have had a Living Will if she felt she was going to die. When I received a copy of the will I found that my sister had it changed in January of the year she killed my mother and it was 2/3 to her and 1/2 to me. But she'd already milked so much from my mother's capital that I don't make myself feel ill thinking about it. All I want to say to you is NO, people who are mean when they're growing up and are siblings, DO NOT change. I'm always the Goody Two Shoes type and there's a big sign over my head saying "if you need anything just come to me" - I attract alcoholics, you name it. I've lived a long life and BTW I did take my sister to court in her state. My background is law and I just wanted her to be held accountable in a public way. I didn't have to appear, but the ladies in the courthouse were very helpful to me and I have a recording of the hearing. I have never spoken to my sister again after the phone call and I never will. I do not feel guilty and I think forgiving her is rubbish. I forgive myself for feeling so badly about something I couldn't stop. You are surely a very sincere person, Emma. Sometimes we need to protect ourselves, particularly if we arrive with a tank full of love on this planet. I choose my friends carefully now and I'm much more a peace. Wishing you love, light and happiness every day of your life as you surely deserve it.

I would say to Emma don't write off your brother for where there is life there is hope. Pray for him, love him unconditionally and leave the rest to God. When you think of your brother, send him positive, loving thoughts even though that may seem hard to do. Push away every negative and angry thought and replace it with loving thoughts. This may be hard to do but persistence will bring success and above all forgive your brother for love can not grow in the soil of unforgiveness.
May the God of Love add his blessings.
Best wishes
Monika

Dearest Emma,
I wish life was like the movies, where the 'bad' guy gets a lesson in charity and reforms. But it's not. I wish I could think of one single person in my 60 years of living, who has done that, in reality. But I can't. My life has been rife with family pain and drama and the only thing I have been able to do successfully, is to protect myself. You don't have to leave or 'get them back' and it's unlikely that others will share your feelings or even offer you solace. People like your brother are broken and you cannot fix them. If you offer opposition they will make you out to be the bad one but if you offer love, understanding and a very firm "No. Thank you for your kind offer but it is not something I'm interested in.", (Whatever it is) they will move on to the next target. When you see them, not as successful, but as they truly are, broken and unrepairable, you can have compassion for them, knowing that they have no peace in their heart or in their mind. You are not responsible for them so can offer only a smile and wish them well as they continue on to the next 'big plan'. I know it's not easy but solutions can be found for most things. If your Mother can't say 'no' to him maybe she will be able to place her money with a person or institution which will make it impossible for her to release any funds to him, saying it was a wise business decision.... or just tell him it is so. That is between them and you should respect her wishes as she is doing the best she can in the situation.
You must not hold a grudge against him for his empty accomplishments or things he had obtained in less than honourable ways because you will be the one suffering while he coninues, cluelessly through his life. Would you wish to be like he is, for a house. No. Not for a mansion or a castle.
I wish you well. I wish you peace. Live your life without regret.

Emma,
I know this is hard but, no, your brother will never change. I have been in the same situation but with a sister, Robin. She is truly manipulative and will do anything for money. She spread gossip around the family to make herself look like she was the only deserving daughter (out of four) to inherit from her father and mother. She actually told my mother horrible things about me so that she wouldn't see me the last four years of her life, and actually disinherited me from her will. I visited with a psychologist who told me that one rotten apple can spoil the bunch! I lost my mother last month, but let me tell you that if someone is a manipulative liar in your family, you need to run. Do not chose complacence, separate yourself from the toxic person. I hold my head up today knowing I protected by three children from a toxic family and know that I choose the right path. There is not money enough in the world (especially combating a greedy sibling)that is worth your mental health. God knows the truth and so will your loved ones when they pass. You should always remember that you need to honor yourself. Unfortunately, there are too many stories like yours out there today. Hope your are able to make the best decision for you and that your are always looking to the light!

My older brother sounds similar. It was like growing up with a junkie except his addiction was money, status and expensive things, including property and fast cars - all paid for by my parents and myself under duress and anyone else he could charm into giving him a loan that would never be repayed. He continues like this to this day.
Like you I feel a sadness for the brother I have lost and a hope that one day we might have a relationship again, but rationally I feel that this will never be and for my own health and wellbeing I have removed myself from the situation and have only very limited email contact with him. My brother does seem to have a loving side to him, though I often wonder if this is not a kind of preamble for the next demand for money. Now that I have cut myself off from him I get the odd message of 'I miss you and I wish you would come visit' which makes me feel sad and long for reconnection, but I must remind myself of the reality which is a bit of a vicious circle of abuse followed by apology, loving preamble then demands and pleas for money and once rejected, back to abuse.
Like any type of addiction the only solution seems to be to let them sink or swim on their own and be responsible for their own behaviour. Maybe only beyond this is their hope for change but I can't say as my father continues to support my brother financially. When there is no repercussion to their abuse why would they ever need to change - they continue to get what they want. I guess I can't offer you any advice, just sympathy. Sending you lots of love.

I think that all you can do is take care of yourself and try help others avoid the harm that your brother inflicts on everyone in his life. There's nothing you can do to change your brother - he sounds like a sociopath- but you CAN take care of yourself and your mother. A mental unbalance like that isn't something that can be cured. You can't control that and it's OK to let go.

My experience is that unless your brother has a "come to Jesus" moment, there can be no change. Your brother has not had to be any different than he is because he's always been rescued. He has been programmed to believe that people exist for his benefit. Unless people stop feeding this behavior, he has little need to change. If you are spiritual you can pray for him and leave it with God. In the meantime you should not feel guilty or try to "fix" him. Take care of yourself and your family. If possible, keep an eye on your mother and see if she's open to changing her accounts. You didn't say whether she complains or talks to you about your brother's behavior. Maybe she would be open to getting some counseling on how to handle your brother. Some unresolved issue within herself drives her behavior. The fact that she fears your brother getting angry or not talking to her is most likely based on something in childhood. Sometimes you just have to separate yourself from loved ones for your own mental and emotional health as well as theirs. I was married to a man like this for ten years. He only cared about himself. Unfortunately, he never changed. Through the years I have seen a couple of people I'm close to acknowledge their irresponsible behavior and change their ways to a large degree. Again, it was usually through a spiritual conversion. Never give up hope!

No, selfish people cannot change. They are called narcissists and sociopaths. Read this book, "The Sociopath Next Door." Very good book. They say one in ten people are sociopaths. They are hardwired that way and cannot change and they do not want to change. You need to avoid them, even if they are family members. It is very painful, but there is nothing you can do to change them. All you can do is protect yourself and steer clear to avoid more pain.

I am reading the Law of One (you can Google it), which explains how there are service to self (your brother) and service to others people in this creation. You can also use the terms negative polarity and positive polarity. By the sound of your article, I don't see your brother changing his polarity in this lifetime. He is a classic service to self person, which is characterized by control of others, money, power, and fame. Look at this planet's rich, power hungry elite. This is their version of reality, and even their path to Oneness with the Creator. As we evolve into higher dimensions, from 3rd density on to 4th, 5th, to 6th and beyond to 7th, which is oneness with the Creator, we usually maintain the same polarity. When 6th density is reached, a person must flip to positive polarity. At that point, he would have to flip to positive if he wants to progress. We are talking about eons of our years for all of this to occur, and changing from this carbon based body to a lighter body. We are becoming crystalline based and raising into 4th and 5th density right now on Earth, as we have reached the end of a 75,000 year cycle in 3rd density! Rejoice that you have incarnated at this time for the shift into Ascension (or harvest, as the Law of One would put it). The Law of One was channeled in 1981 by a 6th density social memory complex that influenced our Earth in Egypt in ancient times. I think you would find it fascinating, and it would really help you to see who your brother is, and why blood relations have little to do with a person's polarity.

Dear Emma. Your experiences with your brother are truly heartbreaking, and I completely understand your dilemma and your question as to whether there is any hope of him changing. Your reference to Dr. Kim's reminder that we are all either acting with love or out of a need for love is important to remember. It's true, and, at the same time, we can't know the inner workings of anyone else nor can we ever really understand what may be the cause of behavior such as that of your brother. I would guess that there is deep suffering in him that has distorted his view of the world, and that he is not at all in touch with it. He is responsible for his actions, and he is also responsible for whether or not he does the work necessary to look inside, with help, and find the source of his pain that he is pouring out by hurting others. You cannot do anything but have compassion and, at the same time, protect yourself from him. You sound more hurt and disappointed than angry and that's a good thing. Sending him anger and aggression would just fan the flames he's already got burning. I would work on this within yourself, not hoping for him to change, but accepting the situation as it is as you practice sending out love and compassion to him....from a distance. Thinking of you....Dottie

Precious Emma, Reading your letter to Dr. Kim jerked a tear. Your wonder speaks of your goodness. My sisters and I are experiencing a similar struggle with our brother, and I want to encourage you to never give up hope that Sam will change and be reconciled with your family. After going through phases of disappointment, anger, sadness, sympathy and even apathy, we have very deliberately decided to devote ourselves to prayer, forgiveness, kindness, acceptance and boundaries, and with that comes great peace. I have seen many dramatic changes in people who surrender their will to the Lord's will (myself included), so I know to the depths of my soul that people can change. The choice, though, is Sam's. So, be blessed as you continue to live a good life and wait expectantly for Sam to change. Even if he doesn't, God can give you strength to cope with it. I hope this encourages you. And congratulations on your Etsy business! I admire you for your great accomplishment!

Hi Emma, If you want to read a good book about people who simply do not have a conscience, read "The a Sociopath Next Door". There are people who are not wired like you and I. 1in 25 people, according to the book , do not have remorse or conscience about their actions . It sounds like your brother falls into this category. The only way he would change is if he felt remorse. The best thing you can do is protect your mother from
His manipulation a. Get power of attorney for her accounts. Good luck..

Sad to hear your plight, but I can only advise, write him off.

Better an end with pain than endless pain.

Dear Emma,

I have had a similar experience with an older sister. The details of behavior are different, but the consistency in behavior, the constant hopes-raised-only-to-be-dashed-again pain experienced is the same. It took me more than 70 years (! Yes!) to finally realize that my particular Lucy was ALWAYS going to pull that football away just before I kicked it, and my choice was to either fall on my back every time or refuse to play the game. For the past two years I have stayed away from her physically, respond to her written or telephoned invitations with courtesy and good humour, and always respond with a clear refusal. I do not talk about her with other relatives, do not trash her in any way, but my life has been immeasurably more peaceful and happy since I decided to not see her anymore. I have also done a lot of forgiveness work over my past relationship with her, and as a result the old wounds no longer fester. There may come a time when I will feel safe or comfortable being in her presence, but until then, I just keep my distance and wish her well. The only person I know I can change is myself.

I am one to believe that people like that (have a brother very similar) they feel the world owes them and it seems to me that it's part of their personality and they never fully change. Sorry to say, good luck.

Dear Emma,

It is not a question of can a person change but of whether they will ever want to. Of course anyone is capable of changing from bad behavior and cold heartedness just as anyone can go from good to bad. They must make that choice though. Thing is, it's really tough to do in ones on strength once they decide they want to be trustworthy and honorable. It takes work. Willpower against previous bad habits, confronting their own ugliness and even going to the ones they've offerended to seek forgiveness and restoration. They will have well founded fears of rejection. Deep down, please know that your brother knows what a wretch he is and probably can't stand to look himself in the mirror. and because he knows, whether he abmits to it or not, he doesn't love himself and he can't believe that anyone who knows him really lives him either. His rationale is, how could they live a wretch like me? Remember too, that it is impossible to love others if you don't love yourself. This is where your brother lives in his true heart. He has silenced and scared his conscious so badly that he can't hear it anymore. Pain of loss may be the only thing that can bring him back to you and your mom, a doss of tough love and humility to restore his humanity.

I know because i was this way, my Savior Yashua, Jesus Christ, is the only thing that brought me back. He was all that was there when i hit my bottom. I go tonight after driving 6 hours to make a confession to a loved one that has kept me in shame and weakness for 30 years. It will be the hardest thing i will ever do and i would rather go to my grave than to admit how low can sink and to see the pain on her face. But i must confess because it is the right thing to do.

Pray always, without sesing for your brother that God will reach him before to late. Your love and faith, combined with the power of God can bring a man to his knees. Your brother wants to be whole, he doesn't know it yet, nor does he know what that looks like or how to go about it.

But the challenge goes back to you, don't become bitter, hang on to the truth you have, he will need to know you a capable of forgiveness. Love, a changed heart.

Emma you are a kind soul. So be kind when you can, to your brother. But never seek hum out. When he comes around, deep breaths and kindness. But when he cannot profit from you, he will go away. What you must do is protect your Mother. He is bullying her, and may some day physically harm her if she does not comply. This a real threat. Take action. House alarm. Panic buttons. Move all the money to a new account. Never give him a check from the new account. An option is to keep some money in the account he pilfers from, so he can keep stealing from her and avoid confrontation, while protecting the bulk of the funds. Act now. Do not delay.

Check need.
He needs wrathful compassion.

Hello Emma.
I've also been following Dr. Kim's website for number of years now and I just came across your letter...and I can't help myself not to comment.
I can very much so relate to your hope of having that close relationship with your brother as we've seen that other people seem to have or watched on tv. I have a brother that is 5yrs older than me and I've always wanted to have that great relationship with him, so I forgave him for molesting me as young teenager, or beating me up in my late teens for no reason and I had to move out from my parents to be safe, for his manipulative ways due to his ego and obsession with competing to be always bigger and better, etc...there is just no end to it. Then I realized that we just cling to the idea. The only thing you have to write off is the idea. With that you will set him free. Once you set him free, you will be free. Then you can be more open and enjoy even more the people around you like your Mom and everything else. Having no more chains, you won't get hurt as easily, or doubt yourself, because you will accept him as he is and his choice of life. He is a lesson, a reminder of a person that you don't wish to be, just as my brother is to me and I'm thankful to him for that.
"Life is too short to wake up with regrets,
so love the people that treat you right,
forget about the ones who don't,
and believe that everything happens for a reason..."

"Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."

Sincerely,
Ann

We create our reality from our perceptions.. We may create our own families by sharing our love with those who value us for who we are and who share our understandings and values through WISDOM. We may express truth and love to all, but we must never place ourselves in a position to be abused. And we must learn to TRUST wisely. Expectations create opportunity for disappointment. We are responsible for our feelings...,..thoughts create emotion. Having our best thought each moment can help us create "heaven on earth" within. We cannot create for others no matter how much we think we are SUPPOSED to love them. YOU DECIDE who deserves your love .

I have found through knowing many families that their seems to be one of these, but not always in every family. They just decide to take the easy way in life, that being lying, cheating, stealing, somehow they just don't have a conscious that way. This happened with a girlfriend, she says, should I give her the money, me knowing her sister has scammed everyone else in the family already dutifully said no without even having to think about it, well she gave her the money anyways. What is sad is that Sam is going to eventually come crawling back to you because you'll be the only one he's got, so don't set any behavior patterns you might regret, and work on locking down your Mothers estate so she doesn't go broke either. It's ok to love your brother, and it seems like the more bad they are, the more I see how much they need to be loved, which is the problem, they were loved when they should have been disciplined, somehow the wrong behaviors get rewarded along the way. Or play his game, and help siphon your Mothers accounts into safety under your name. I've even seen family members use identity fraud to steal from the grandmothers, who's the last one who is going to turn you in?, yep blood. Keep loving him Emma but beat him at his own game :)

How I wish that we could meet and share the heartbreak of being close to someone like your brother. It hurts so very much. But we can meet here. This will do. The narcissistic person I thought I loved has passed on. I thank God nearly every day because I was too weak when he was alive to change anything about our relationship. Through all the pain, emotional and physical, I learned a lot. But I am so grateful that I didn't lose my love for people in the hell I lived in with him. I am wounded. I am broken. But I am free. Be free, Emma.

People don't change until they become desperate.
Your brother must realize how awful his behavior is & realize that you love him--enough to stop enabling bad behavior.

Your brother is a sociopath. And won't change.
Run from him. And don't give him money!

Hi Emma, These are our karmic connections when we come together as a family in this life. Awareness of his actions is what is missing in his life .So if he had the knowledge that he will have to oay for what he is doing in some way he may change. His spiritual reservoir is getting empty.You can help by making him aware-through books or meditation.

Recalling Paul in the New Testament, he became blind before he again was able to see.
I believe what you need to do is simply remember him in prayer often. There is nothing
you can do to change him, but God's grace can. I don't have a sibling like your brother,
but a friend of mine does. He took most of his mother's money. My friend has had to
have her own boundaries and no longer speaks to him. Maybe your brother should run for
the president of the US...he sounds very similar to our current one.

Everyone is capable of change, however, it can only be initiated from within.
Sometimes dramatic or revealing events can make people change but I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for that to happen. You can ask yourself if you yourself could have done something differently to at least learn from the experience. Probably not. If someone close by doesn't love or care for you, or treats you badly, you should try distancing yourself from the person and realize that your love is not mutual. Take distance but don't burn any bridges. I'm trying to say that sometimes we need to let go and do the grieving. It might be easier if you realize that your brother never loved or cared for you the same way as you did. The absolutely worst thing you can do is to "invest" money because you really, really, really can't buy love. You can get some false sense of a some kind of love and respect ... but you will relive the pain every time again when you realize the love and respect stops when the money stops rolling in.
You can still love your brother, but do it from a safe distance and expect absolutely nothing in return.
Lots of love,
Sam (another Sam)

Dear Emma, Thanks for sharing. I believe that this issue is much more prevalent than most would think. I also had this dilemma years ago and after much soul searching, prayer and reading all sorts of books I have come to the conclusion that while miracles do happen, it is not something that we can base our actions on and that we must make our lives what we want them to be. While each person's reality and willingness to move forward will be different, I am happy to share with you some thoughts that shaped how I handled a similar situation. Three good sources to read are Louise Hay's "You Can Heal Your Life" and various books and articles by Deepok Chopra. A Third is the Book "The Wisdom of Florence Scovill Shinn" which you can find here on Amazon. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1441412921/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=17...

From Louise Hay I learned that I have no control over anything except myself and that no one else can change another person. Ultimately I chose to love this person but to release them from any expectations and to interact with them in the way that is similar to "tough love". Be nice but be firm in your own mind that you will not let them use you for their gain. Knowing that love is not always returned does not mean that YOU should not love them. Find the love that you seek in other places and dwell in those places and relationships rather than trying to move forward with the relationship with your brother. Leave the door barely cracked so that he can choose to come back and always pray for him and wish him the best.

From Deepok Chopra I learned that we do what we do and then we have to let it go and "depersonalize it". I personally could not read his books as they were so in depth but found that his audio tapes were wonderful to listen to (because of his words and because he has a soothing voice).

I later found Florence Scovill Shinn's books and though her writings were from another era, they are still very potent and applicable today. She was, I think, the predecessor to Normal Vincent Peale and Louise Hay. Mr. Peale is known for his books(The Power of Positive Thinking and Positive Imaging: The Powerful Way to change your life) and These can also be found on Amazon.

The biggest thing to me is knowing that this is a life time journey and that I must work on ME and how to make me the best I can be without allowing unnecessary hurts.

Hoping that you will find some help in these references and wishing you love and happiness in abundance with only enough grief thrown in to keep you humble.

It's been my experience, that no, they cannot change.I am 58 years old and estranged from my siblings and was my mother before she passed away in 1998. How truly sad, but it is the way it is. We were raised in regrettable ways, in foster homes, and as much as I wanted a nice normal family, it just wasn't to be that way with my immediate family-when we got older. My sisters grew up to be controlling, manipulative,bossy and so very very selfish. Time after time, I gave them the benefit of the doubt and pushed away circumstances and their motives because I wanted a nice normal family. At times, I wondered if they were even human. Finally, when I was in my thirties, I faced the fact that these people were truly toxic and I had allowed myself to see them as to how I wanted them to be, not how they truly were. That changed everything. I let go, do not stay in touch and wish them all a nice life. Mine is certainly a lot better without them in it. Sooooo sad, but it is what it is. I love you Dr. Kim, and all that you do! :)

When all enabling ceases & no one is intimidated by any temper tantrums, threats, pleas, emotional blackmail, nor anything they say or do, then they might have a chance. Even then, it can take years for reality to break through to them. But as long as they have any person who does not call a spade a spade to their face,they will stay in their comfort zone (selfishness).

Please go to your library or buy "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout.
There are many of these people like your brother living among us, they can be but are not necessarily serial killers. I do not believe there is hope for change. Dr. Scott Peck in his book "The Road Less Traveled" discusses this type of personality.

Selfish people can change only when he or she accepts Jesus Christ by repenting of his or her sins ask HIM for forgiveness and make that change.

Hello Emma,

It takes a lot of courage to ask others for feedback, I recognize that and hope to respond in a way that contributes to your journey.

Change is very difficult, regardless of the personality type. We often have expectations for others that we ourselves cannot fulfill. There are aspects of my personality that I've been working on for over 20 years and still fall into old patterns of behavior.

Whats struck me in your letter is the possibility that your identity is very much invested in your brother's characterization. He's the bad one and you're the good one. I dont say that às a criticism, but rather offer it as am alternativa insight. I highly recommend Byron Katie's Loving What Is. It is very simple and very powerful and I believe will lead you to Acceptance and peace of whoever your brother is or is not.

My biological father was an alcoholic and bipolar, very emotionally abusive to his children. I felt totally justofied in my assessments of him and my decision to not have contact with him. It was only when he commited suicide that I really questioned the whole discourse I had built up around my father. I couldnt save him or change him and I dont have any regrets about putting up boundaries, but I do regret that I didnt work at accepting rather than blaming. I do regret the external focus instead of the internal healing.

All the best

Hello, I've read some of the other comments and I do agree with many of them. The hurt I felt in your letter hurt my heart. And, unfortunately, we (especially women) like to do what we believe is right in our hearts, but ultimately we end up hurting ourselves. The only way your brother will overcome his behaviors is by the love of God. God is love and when a person is so cold-hearted with no remorse or sympathy there is something wrong. Most people have a point at which they show remorse, your brother does not seem to have that gene. He may be a sociopath or I believe someone called him narcissistic, or maybe he is a combination of both. You need to distance yourself, your family and try to get your mother to understand that if he bleeds her dry then what is she going to do? Your moms husband left her with enough money so she would not have to struggle. It's unfair for your brother to take advantage. I would contact a lawyer as to how to keep your brother from accessing any money from your mom. Of course, if she openly gives it to him, there's not much you can do. If you are a woman of faith, start praying specific prayers for your brothers deliverance from whatever spirits are influencing him. God bless you and your family and I will keep you all in prayer.

No one will change their behavior unless they see something wrong with it. I have two siblings who are like your brother. I haven't disowned them, I have never wished bad things for them, but I have stopped communicating with them. I believe Karma will handle things when the time is right but I can't allow them to contaminate my world/my family with their toxic ways.
Best if luck to you Emma!

Emma - A rule or principle from behavioral psychology that comes to mind as I read your story and question is that "the best predictor of future performance is past behavior."
So, in the absence of any real or significant new behavior on your brother's part, take his past (and present) behavior as your answer about what to expect from him in the future. Blessings to you.

I would like to offer my feedback; and opinion (maybe you can copy and paste). I believe that people can and do change, but the key point is they have to WANT to more than we want them to. It sounds like this brother isn't thinking about changing anytime soon, so I'm afraid that she should just let go of the fantasy of him possibly being a good guy. Another Maya Angelou quote is "when someone shows you who they are; believe them."

Hi Emma,
Your story really touches a lot of people!
I have a similar situation with my brother. No need to tell the story, it's the same stuff with slightly different colors.
I have long worried about the stress and financial burden he puts on my Mother, as I myself decided to quit helping, but to speak and listen kindly.

We have spent years rushing in to try to save the day for him, and it just repeats, year after year after year.

After a tragedy in our lives a couple of years ago, my Mother and I had very frank conversations and she asked me to understand that though my brother seems hopeless, he is still her son, and she cannot bring herself to quit helping him.
She is well aware of how futile her help is in changing anything about him.
Since then, I listen to her frustrations and problems with him with compassion for her. I can't help him, but I can help her.
I don't take the problem on, other than gentle suggestions to help, but the listening is what she needs, the acceptance of her Sisyphus situation is what she needs. Love is hard to turn on and off.
You can listen to your heart and decide what you are willing to put up with, and where your lines should be.
I can tell you, without meaning for this to sound ominous or dark, that sometimes when we lose a person close to us, one that has driven us crazy with fear, disillusionment, or disgust, we can miss them terribly. The whole crazy package. Second guessing our choices.
I tend to agree with the narcissism diagnosis, and you should have boundaries to be healthy and happy, but only you can decide where the lines are.
My very best wishes for your happiness,
Tamara

I used to believe that people could change but in my own experience, after years and years of continually getting taken advantage of by a sibling, I realized that my sibling has a narcissistic personality disorder. These people will suck you dry and not feel a whit nor a pang of guilt. They feel entitled to whatever they get, whether through honest means or unscrupulous ones. No parent wants to warn a child about another one but some people are beyond redemption! It's just based on my experience, but I've found that someone just gets worse and worse with age. I would recommend that Emma create healthy boundaries and protect herself from exploitation because that's what will happen.

Dear Emma:

Yes, I believe that some people can change their lives dramatically but usually after a painful loss in their own life. There needs to be a motivating factor that has had a dramatic impact on that person's life. The change to an altruistic path through life is usually quickly and readily apparent in all aspect of that person's life and dealings with others..

Your brother's change of behaviour toward you is motivated by his greed and his grasping for money. It did not appear to come from any personal change in his value system itself. You know his history with his own family, the people one hopes he would treat with utmost integrity. Instead, he has treated those of you in his family with absolutely no respect. I believe some of his actions are very close to, if not in fact, criminal. The money given for your father's funeral expenses is a perfect example. I believe there would be reason enough to involve the police.

My concern is not for your brother. My concern is for you and your apparent total lack of self respect in view of your brother's history of treating his family in such a deplorable manner. I am concerned for your inability to respect yourself enough to say goodbye to this sociopath. If I were you, I would seek some medical support for yourself in hopes of developing a healthy self-respect. Your father gave you the best advice ever - do not have business dealings with this man and make a firm statement to him of your decision.

There are two situations in your request - can people change - yes, many can and do. Should you expect your brother to have changed enough to do business with him? Hopefully, you know the answer to the question fo dealing with a sociopath. Get yourself some help.

Elaine

About your selfish brother, you wonder if there’s hope for him; the real question is “What is he in your life to teach you?” Our best example Jesus Christ says “Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you, bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you” (Luke 6:27-28 KJV). It’s probably more about what kind of person you become because of him than what he becomes.

I have an ex-husband like your Sam. He was also abusive. I divorced him. He is now on wife #5. He has alienated his immediate family (parents, siblings), his children, friends. At first, he comes across as charismatic, loving, selfless but this is all, as all have found at, narcissistic in nature ... he wants the control, the attention, the glory, the money, the possessions ... but he doesn't want to do what it takes to earn those things.

I spoke to a psychologist about this as my children were growing up because I needed to be helpful to them in their relationship with him, which was forced by law. I was told that narcissism is the most difficult psychological symptom to overcome. It is sometimes environmental (a result of relationships growing up), but usually it is a combination of environment (which can be helped), personality (which is engrained and cannot always be overcome) and chemical imbalance (which can be helped). The result of this combination is someone who thinks they don't need help from anyone or any medication, so they don't get help when and where they could. And, even if they do, narcissism therapy often takes years and years ... the most successful being those who simply commit to therapy for a lifetime, both counseling and medication.

So, is there help for someone like Sam? YES. Are people like Sam willing to get the help and do the work it takes to overcome ... not always. Getting past their belief that they are above everyone else is the hardest part.

Please understand I don't mean to discourage. The encouragement lies in your understanding that it is not your fault, probably not even the fault of your parents or other siblings. And, you really can't do anything, so the pressure is off there. You can fill the void you have with friends and other family and offer Sam a real relationship if he wants it with a clear understanding that the relationship must have nothing to do with money. Then the ball is in his court.

Prayer, thoughts, Kathy

I have experienced Emma's same situation, but not with a brother, but with my mother. She nevered changed to the day she died. I had to distance myself from my mother in order to guard my heart. I still wrote her and saw her infrequently, but never allowed her to keep hurting me. When we talked on the phone and she started being critical of me, I told her I had to go. I did pray for her, and I believe God guarded my heart and directed me in ways to deal with her that never led me to stop loving her. I just had to love her in a different and distant way. Hope this helps.

After having read so many of the comments to Emma I see basically two types- the ones that warn to stay away from him and the ones that preach love and prayer can concur all.
I think the warnings to stay far away from him but protect your mother are the voices of experience and should be heeded. The other type are most likely from people that have never had to deal with someone like Sam or are too thick headed to know when they are being manipulated(not that there's anything wrong with that if that's the way they want to be). By the way my youngest brother is a full blown narcissist and has had many disappointed girlfriends along the way. In his sixties now he has found the perfect job for himself - working at a ski lodge helping people board the lift for the trip up the mountain.
These thirty second relationships with the skiers are perfect for him.
No one gets to know his dark side and he doesn't have the time to abuse them.

A question to consider: Can a person who has been warm, loving, connected, and your best friend for all his/her life change to become manipulative, cruel, petty, self absorbed?
In my life, it's never been a simple yes or no. I'm still grappling with this topic myself for some "people in my life" so I'm probably in the same boat as you are.

It's been beyond comforting to read all of your comments. The word that kept coming up was sociopath so I did a lot of reading since Dr. Ben was kind enough to do this for me.

After a lot of contemplation I decided the best thing for everyone, including my brother and mom, is for me to pretend all is normal but to ignore my brother while I carry on with my mom as usual.

All of your comments and the reading that I did about sociopaths made me realize that there is no reason to hope that he will change.

I deeply appreciate each and every one of you for caring enough to respond to this.

Emma

Clearly, only those who want to change have to be willing and put a lot of effort to do it. Some people are more trouble than they are worth.
Mothers, however, are in a slippery-slope category because they give & receive unconditional love with their children. Your mother definitely has no boundaries and if you can somehow help control her funds before the selfish, lying, deceitful, manipulative, narcisisistic brother hurts her even more. Why do we, as humans, fear our loved ones will be angry with us? Your mom is only "feeding his habit" and needs to withdraw, she is the problem; your brother is only interested in himself at the cost of destroying his family. Mom may be open to get help. Your brother deserves a once-a-year phone call just so you know you've done your sibling job. If mom, however, decides to continue this behavior, your goal is to not get sucked in to the drama. Develop relationships with others so your " family or origin" takes a back seat and your new, deeper, sweet and caring relationships are true, honest and trustworthy. This doesn't mean your love for them has lessened, it means you have demanded respect.Good luck to you.

I always told my 2 sons/.... friends come and go, but you are brothers for life so get along. No one will ever help you, believe you, support you ...like a sibling... it seems to have worked.

I'm an 81 year-old mom with a daughter of 54. My daughter abandoned me 3 years ago saying I never loved her. I worked hard full-time (as a divorced woman) to provide for her, caring for & protecting her. Phone calls, letters & cards, small gifts: no response, only silence. I've prayed for her well-being, asking for His help. Nothing. My alcoholic atheist sister has filled my daughter with harmful lies which my daughter believed. I've no comments or advice for the lady with a dishonest brother, nor any for me.

We are all naturally selfish people but some so much more than others or shameful opportunists. A lot has been said already but perhaps for all parents reading this post-- cultivate character in your children- it is your job as a scriptural command of God. Then work on their weak spots or flaws to improve that while they are YOUNG! That means Moms must see the importance of staying home to first recognize then correct the behaviour. Don't try & hide the ugliness that you see in your child. If more moms realized that training, loving & educating their children are more important than any so-called career we would have a different society to live in. Make your ambition really count. Have the right priorities. Kids w/o discipline living on 'microwaveable hot pockets'will be living a nutritional deficient nightmare with major issues later on.

My comments are in response to Dr. Kim’s call for “any advice for parents with younger children on how to foster loving sibling relationships that remain strong through different stages of adulthood.” I have found in my personal and professional life, that a way a person deals or relates with others − whether “others” take form as friends, co-workers, relatives, parents, siblings, step-family, or strangers at the grocery store – absolutely begins from what children are taught and what they observe at home as a child. That said, what we teach and emphasize over and over to our children is fundamental to their learning, growing, and nurturing of themselves and others over the course of their lifetime. The fundamental guiding principles in fostering loving relationships, no matter who the relationship is with, are simply the principles of 1) loving others as much as one loves self, 2) forgiving others, and 3) not bearing grudges or harboring any sense of revenge or self-entitlement. One cannot love, serve, and act kindly toward others when one’s primary concern is caught up in serving oneself. Selfishness inherently equates to unkindness toward others. This selfishness and inability to love and serve others then damages and even destroys relationships, whether those relationships are familial, friendships, or dating/marital. These principles are also the foundation of Christ’s teachings. To love others, and to have that love last a lifetime, is to be taught as a child the importance of love, and to observe it from parents. It is to learn to live selflessly. Learning and living it is a whole-life process, not a 12-step program one graduates from. It takes diligence as parents to teach and instill the principles of love, peacemaking, and forgiveness, and it takes diligence to model it. But the reward for such diligence comes when your children display compassionate, peacemaking behavior, who have learned from the same type of adult(s), and who continue to be so as adults.

Emma,
Unfortunately your brother will probably never change but I know you must love and care for him or this situation wouldn't have you writing about it. You should keep in touch with him as much as you can tolerate but the best thing you can do to is pray for your brother. Prayer can change even the worst of people.

Great job Dr. Kim. Glad someone finally say it like it is and this is the best and most articulated article ever about realities in life. A lot of parents are overly doting to their children, even adult children, hence confusing love with spoiling them. As a result, they never learn the realities of life and how can they if they have never gone through their own journey of suffering, sacrifices and handling their own challenges. I totally agree especially with this statement you made Dr. Kim: "If an adult child is not fully committed to creating a life that they can support on their own, I feel that it becomes the parent's best move to step
back from being a lifeline so as to give the adult child the opportunity and impetus to learn how to gather food and maintain a safe shelter." What is appalling to me these days is even TV ads and reality shows are promoting bad culture and bad behavior, accepting and condoning such behaviors as acceptable. Thank you Dr. Kim...Elizabeth