Do You Care And Do You Want Me To Continue?

Hi Cindy,

I am gong through some very similar stuff with my 15 year old daughter. I read your words carefully and I would say:

1) Yes, you are losing your daughter. And gaining a young woman daughter. You are experiencing the metamorphosis.

2) Yes, she (thinks) she loves the phone more than you in that exact moment of anger. It is her lifeline to the world. It is her communication mechanism. In her mind, when you threaten the phone, you threaten her being, her friends, her social life.

3) This comment you may not like. When you say "I used to be angry... defeater", I would say you are making it about yourself. I am constantly falling into this trap, and climbing my way out. Her behaviour is NOT about you. In that sense, you need not take it personally.

Here are some of the conclusions I have come to, and I am still a work in progress.

My daughter is undergoing a huge change in everything in her life, and trying to determine what kind of adult she will be. In her confusion, she is narcissistic, because she may only have the energy to think about herself, especially when she "feels" attacked. Because she is not yet confident in who she is, and because she is a bundle of emotions, any questioning of her beliefs is met with rage and anger and defensiveness.

If I insert my "anger" or my "defeatedness" (which is a form of gullt), I add to the already heavy burden she is feeling. I am not a safe place for her. Therefore, her places of refuge and safety are diminished. In effect, the only places where she feels "safe" is with her phone (her friends bring her insecurities as well), and that is a lonely place.

I asked my daughter in a moment of anger. Why do you treat me this way, and not your teachers or friends? And she said: "Because You Have To Love Me!" I now know that this mix of entitlement and wish for safety is a double edged sword that she has to live with. And I know that under her crusty exterior is a soft young girl who just wants love and acceptance.

So I've changed.
1. Shefali's book tell me to be in awe of my child
2. I listen to her rants. Sometimes she needs to get it off her chest.
3. I do not preach
4. I empathize.
5. I do not make it about me.
- If she calls me a "f**king dick", I ask her if this is how we should start talking to each other. She backs off.
- When I feel the anger boiling up, I look at the anger and ask myself why.
- When I observe entitlement, I ask myself what I did to make her feel that way.
6. I rarely use my position of power, and if I do, it is very calmly.
7. I back off and come back to a conversation later.
8. I see myself as a co-traveller in her life, and we are both trying to figure it out.
9. I try not to hold the things I do over her head.
10. I tell her I will always love her and I admire her, and I support her.

Most importantly:
11. I fail at all of the above and try to do better next time. I go easy on myself. I am only human.

So, Cindy in Somerville, go easy on yourself. Decide what type of person you want to be, and when you fail, get up and try again.

Your daughter will see you do that, and become that. You will be the guide for the woman she will be.

I believe in you!
Marc

Hi, Cindy. I had much the same concerns when I was raising my daughter in her teenage years. I, too, had a difficult relationship with my mom and didn't want to repeat that history, so I did the best I could to stay clear of the ways that I perceived were my mom's contributing behaviors. But I think that one really important thing I did was being able to recognize that my daughter needed to be able to separate herself from me (we were very close when she was younger) in order to realize herself as an independent young woman. As such, I supported her choices, as long as they weren't ones that would place her in jeopardy, of course. For example, when she wanted to color her hair differently, I decided that was far more acceptable than her choosing to use drugs. But with regards to the yelling and her mouthing off, I would only let it go so far and then I would quietly but firmly shut it down. If I allowed myself to get caught up in it and ended up yelling, too, it was always a failed time. It wasn't easy, but providing a calm presence (as much as was possible) gave her a solid line that she learned she was not allowed to trespass against. The punishments for doing so, or even attempting it, were getting grounded, no TV, having certain privileges taken away, etc. And it was important that her dad backed me up, too. It wasn't fun for either of us but I knew that I had to teach her how far she could and couldn't go to help keep her from going too far in other circumstances and with other people. She's now a grown woman with her own family and has told me that she recognizes just how "horrible" she was during those years. But she has grown to be a fully independent person who respects me very much and is holding the line with her own girls. I know it isn't easy, but I personally believe that sometimes the greatest love we can give our children is in showing and enforcing the line of authority gently, firmly, and consistently.

Cindy, from a distance, I agree with your husband. But having said that, it is a miserable situation.
When my only daughter was 13, she went berserk. She had always been a sweet responsible child. And she changed over night. She hated everyone because she thought everyone hated her. She argued with everyone within sight. She and her mother actually got into knock-down, drag out, physical fights. She skipped school, the school called me, and I tracked her down and found her at another girls house with two boys.
It got to the point to where the entire family would figuratively keep our fists covering her face when she entered the room.
This went on for almost exactly one year.
Then she returned to being the sweet, responsible girl she once was.
She is now a grandmother, but still occasionally threatens to whip her four brothers butts. All of whom are a foot taller and thirty pounds heavier.
Believe me, I KNOW how difficult your situation is. My opinion is that my daughters hormones kicked in at 13, and it took a year for her to learn how to deal with her new feelings.
Stay in contact with her, don't sweat the small stuff, and pray for you both, it really helps

I have 1 daughter, and 2 sons, all now adults. Just know that in the end, you and she WILL get through this, how long it will take varies. I ALWAYS made sure my daughter knew I had her back, even when she didn't want that. I was ALWAYS there for her, no matter what she said or did. Many times it was not what I wanted to hear or see. My philosophy was always "you can always talk to me about anything; I may not like what I hear, but I will always listen." (My mom never listened to me, just judged & lectured.) And then practice your poker face! NO MATTER WHAT, you have to stay stronger, available and flexible. My daughter & I have been through so much, things I wouldn't wish on anyone, and we've had to learn to depend on each other. Stay as close as you can, even if it means picking her up at 3 in the morning and only asking if she needs medical attention, food/drink, or a place to sleep. She'll talk when she's ready. Do not let her put too much space between the 2 of you. Nobody said it would easy to have kids, but you raised her this far, don't give up now.

The "rift" between my daughter and I started very early, at age 11, and went through her teenage years, I tried councelling and therapy but mostly I went to the sessions because she refused to go. She is now 22 and only this past year have I seen a change for the better - and I know it is because of one thing only - early on one of the therapists told me that the only thing I can do is tell my daughter that no matter what - I will always be there for her. And so even after fights, angry words, I always saught to mend things and never reprimanded her, just gave her love, because they are past "educating" at this age. It may sound like a cliche, but Love really conquers all. I know that this message of "whatever happens I'm your mother, I love you and I'll always be here for you" sunk in and eventually prevailed. I wish you much strength and never give up!

I can not be more proud of my two grown sons, now age 39 and 40. They have very different, full and impressive lifestyles and I am so impressed with how clever and capable they both are. My job as their Mum was to keep them warm, fed, loved and happy. They went to school and enjoyed it. I never cared about reading, math or grades at all. Never ever pushed them to do better. I was devorced and as a single Mum had servere financial difficulties. The boys got very little for Christmas and no holidays. When they did recieve a gift they understood it's value and appreciated it. As they grew into teenage years they earned some spending money and provided their own PC games etc...
From very early on I allowed my boys to be themselves. Not my possessions. Never trying to mould them to become anything in the name of success. Never putting any pressure on them to achieve.
The result has been two boys with their own interest which they have naturally pursued and become successful doing.
Letting children grow up to be themselves is the best a parent can do.

Young people and parents have always struggled with growing up. But digital technology and especially cell phones have added a whole new dimension. They are a new window on the world for your teen - both for good and for bad - and as parents we are more attuned to see the dangers they pose for our children. And they are real, the dangers; pornography, cyber bullying, predatory warped individuals, gaming addictions, and the list goes on.

But, like it or not, they seem to be here for a while, so the best we can do is manage those dangers these as best we can. It is important to let our children know about these dangers lurking in the little device they hold in their hand. This may be best done in non-conflict times, calmly talking about some article you read on the matter, or some incident you heard of, in order to impart some wisdom and caution into our teens without them having to learn it the hard way. (or emailing or messaging articles to them!) In my day, my mother warned me about strangers offering sweets to get in their car. Now we must warn our children, not only of that, but also of random strangers messaging them on facebook (and how and why to increase their fb privacy), the dangers of chat groups, the addictive and perverting nature of porn and the dangers it can hold for their future relationships, that not all you read on the internet is true, about the dopamine hit that cell phones can provide and its relation to addiction, the effect of screentime on brain developement, and on sleep... and the list goes on. But even if you were to be successful in preventing your child access to a cell phone for now, they will get one eventually, so better to learn to handing this dangerous weapon now while under your wing than later on their own.

But fighting about it will do no good - only further the distance between you. Any discussion, or comments about it must be in a non-conflict way in a non-conflict time. I suggest you learn about facebook, instagram etc yourself. Ask your daughter to help you. Then set an example to your daughter of how you want technology to be used. Talk about your struggles with it ("facebook just sucks me in and wastes my time. I'm going to have a break for a week, or two") We had a rule in our family - no cell phones at the table - but you know, it's so easy to quickly reply to a text you think might be urgent ... and then apologise to those at the table and put the phone away ... maybe that's a good thing - that they see us struggle a little to enforce our own rules, but that we do see them as important and we explain why (so that we can fully engage and be present with those we are eating/ talking with, because we value them and what they have to say). It's important our children see we don't have cell phones in our rooms at night, and explain why, if we want them to do the same - that was another of our rules.... which we held for our teenagers, but those in their 20s, of course, can do what they like, and they do (although, they have learned the value of putting their phones on night mode, or silent, for the sake of uninterrupted sleep).

My observation has been that daughters have more issues with social media, whereas son's are more likely to struggle with porn or gaming - this may be a male/female thing perhaps. But they are real issues today that aren't about to go away. (And they're not just for teens. I know of a marriage that broke up due to the husband's addiction to his phone ... leading to dating websites etc - which was probably just a symptom of his own issues more than anything.) But the greater availability of all these unhealthy things certainly poses greater temptations these days, and we need to learn how to manage them, and somehow help our children learn to manage them too.

May I add that confiscating her phone would only be a temporary solution, and probably escalate the conflict. But you certainly don't need to be paying for her phone plan (not that you are). Best of luck with this new challenge facing modern parents - like we needed another one!

Cindy, Hi, I am not a parent but have been a daughter. Todays kids have so much more on their plate than we did. To me they grow up way too fast. They are exposed to the mass shootings, dumbing down in the school system (making them into test taking robots), and will receive about 72 vaccine injections by the time they are 18.
If I were a teenager today I would want someone to listen to me and not judge me, so I can be trusting to come to you again. Talk to me about your teenage years and how you were. Lets talk about boys and sex. I would make sure I got the whole foods to consume (veggies, fruits, nuts, grains, beans, seeds), and avoid junk foods of all kinds (and I am vegan). I would want to bring out my creative and athletic abilities (which I believe the school system stifles. Take up a sport like running, bicycling, tennis, hiking to get the excess energy and anger out. Try arts and crafts of all kinds like pottery, jewelry, drawing, stained glass, creative writing, poetry, and maybe learning a musical instrument). If there is time I would like to volunteer somewhere like a nursing home or animal shelter once a week to be helpful. I would also detoxify by using natural foods, fasting, purified water, and a far infrared sauna (to get heavy metal toxins out of my body). Also lets take an adventure trip together in the wilderness, or try me in outward bound. Try meditation, yoga, biofeedback. Watch the documentary--2019 game changers, and, forks over knives. best wishes, rachel

Cindy,

My 5 kids range in age from 6 to 18 years. There have been others here that have offered some good advice and insights. I'll put in my 2¢. First, make some time for her when there is no tension - mother/daughter dates. Remind her how much you love her and are doing your best, however imperfect you may be. Three hundred times may not be quite enough to remind your daughter of this in words. We should make every effort to be a safe place for our kids to talk, but that doesn't have to look like a peer. In the end, we don't think like teens anymore and we didn't grow up in the same world. My kids find relief when I admit that I don't understand. I tell them not to worry, that one day they wo t understand teens either. They are wise enough to laugh. Also, her outside influences are powerful right now. I have noticed improvements after changing my daughter's school. She is 12 and has no phone, but that is because of what I've learned with my son, now 18. Girls typically have different issues with electronics, but they can both lead to rage and fighting with parents. Just last week, my son (18) told me that he never understood the importance of being responsible until recently, and that it may have helped for me to have more of those conversations with him. Also, to the best of your ability, make sure that your you and your daughter are getting good sleep, nutrition, and exercise. It gives you the best chance of maintaining your composure and thinking clearly "on the spot". Trust your inclinations after some deep time of honest reflection. Last, but not least, I think that one of the most powerful ways I have influences my children is by praying for them each night in their presence. They hear my heart before God, a heart that is bent on their good.

Such wonderful advice Dr Kim! Parenting teens in this day I think is different than perhaps we were raised. My children are now 22 and 24, and I believe we have a close relationship. Even after some of our ups and downs through the years. My husband and I love them dearly and I believe they feel the same way. With that said, I understand how as parents we might not always feel loved during some of the difficult years that our children have to live through. I turned to an author and speaker, Mark Gregston, https://www.heartlightministries.org/parenting-todays-teens/, who is the founder of Parenting today’s teens. He is an advocate for our children, so his advise is only to relate with our kids in this day in age. He houses lost teens when parents have no where to turn. He has daily blogs to read, books, and even Saturday talk shows with teens who have struggled. I have held onto this phrase and said to my children many times “There is nothing you can that will make me love you more, and nothing you can do to make me love you less”. God bless you Cindy. ❤️