How To Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You

11 Comments:

Rebekah Bartel said...

I agree with Dr. Ben Kim above. The people who have hurt us did not start out as bitter, aggressive, or neglectful of others. At some point, they all reached a crossroads where they had the choice to make some healing decisions themselves. And they chose the wrong choice. One wrong choice always leads to other wrongs choices and slowly turns you into someone you never wanted to be.

My parents hurt me very badly (emotionally) while I was growing up - compounded with religion. But, I have found, only through God's grace, His ability to forgive. I believe that God forgave us all much more than we could ever repay Him. When we think about that...how can we in turn not forgive others? I know it is possible to forgive some things without God's help. But I truly believe that finding God and coming to know Him and His compassion, gives you the true power and ability to forgive that could never be found simply in yourself.

With regards,
Rebekah Bartel
Tilbury, Ontario
Monday, July 24, 2006 7:26:58 PM
DanEagle said...

A short comment on Forgiveness.

I agree with Dr. Kim's Blog on Forgiveness. I just want to state that not only do you have to find a way to forgive someone who has hurt you terribly, you also have to ask forgiveness from all the persons you have hurt. Only then can the healing process begin. I would like to recommend a wonderful organization which helped me a great deal with my terrible rage at people who hurt me. The name of the organization is: Emotions Anonymous. They have meetings everywhere. They also have wonderful literature to help an emotionally wounded person. Also a wonderful website for healing is: emofree.com. Good luck and best of health to all.

Daneagle
Monday, July 24, 2006 8:55:00 PM
Anonymous said...

What is forgiveness? When I say: "I forgive you" - do I really? I found the answer in "A Course in Miracles" in chapter 9, "The Holy Spirit,s Plan of Forgiveness." It says: "To forgive is to overlook. Look, then, beyond error and do not let your perception rest upon it, for you will believe what your perception holds." Let's not supress it within, no, picturing a person as an innocent child is great, but let,s try not to think about it. It is past, it happened, we cannot change it. Let,s erase it from our thoughts, let,s live in the PRESENT! Olga
Thursday, July 27, 2006 1:27:33 AM
Anonymous said...

I am no expert on forgiveness, but as someone who agrees with the concept and struggles with the practise, I have noticed one thing. Forgiveness doesn't seem to be a 'one time fix' and by that I mean (to quote Shrek!) it is like an onion. It consists of layers of forgiveness that can be undertaken, but on the resurfacing of anger or bitterness, there can be a need to forgive all over again, and again, and so on. My hope is that as the layers continue to be removed, the process becomes easier!

Good luck to all fellow forgivers-in-training :)
Michelle
New Zealand
Sunday, July 30, 2006 11:13:06 PM
Sharon Lee-Auyang said...

Unforgiveness can be very demaging to the health. Unforgiveness leads to bitterness which causes many health problems. To forgive means not to hate but to love the person who deeply hurt us. It is not possible for human beings to truly and fully forgive and love an enemy becos our human's love is conditional. Only God's forgiveness and love is unconditional. A person who has received God's forgiveness and love through Jesus Christ can use God's forgiveness and love to competely forgive and love the enemy. Yet to successfully do so, the person has to submit to God, humble himself, remove the pride from his heart (deny himself), and says from his heart everyday (onion peeling with tears), "I forgive ______ ." He will pass the test when he is able to pray for his "enemy" positively and bless him, and able to get along with him. God bless, God is love!
Sunday, August 06, 2006 3:23:25 PM
trudy said...

I was raised in an abusive home. My parents were angry people and took it out on their children often. But the greatest harm wasn't the physical abuse, but the lack of nurturing, the neglect of caring for their children and giving them a sense of worth. I was sexually abused by some of my brothers and their friends. My opinion towards males in general is not very good although I do love them. I think of them as being base, lowly like animals, concerning sexual things. When I married my husband I trusted him and thought I'd found a man who was different from the others. He's proven me a fool and hurt me very badly. I'm still trying to recover. I feel I've forgiven him but cannot get myself to trust him and can't allow myself to truly love him again for fear he will hurt me again. Having been a child of neglect and always feeling worthless until I found some happiness with a man whom I believed made me worthwhile, then losing that feeling and being dumped back into feeling I deserved nothing good because I'm not a good person, has made a mess of me emotionally. If I didn't have children to care for I'd have checked out of this life. But I'm better now, somewhat. I don't believe I will ever trust and love anyone (aside from my children and grandchildren) and that makes me sad and lonely, but I don't know how to fix me. Anyone out there have any answers for me? Trudy Colorado
Monday, August 14, 2006 10:45:09 AM
Sandy said...

I agree with all that's been said regarding forgiveness. It's not a one time thing and voila you move past everything. My own experiences have taught me I have to repeat the forgiveness as often as anger surfaces. The repetition makes forgiveness a habit and one that is highly desirable. In forgiving others it's never failed that ulitmately I forgive meyself. It is also in forgiveness that the past is left exactly where it should be in the past and life in the present moment becomes possible.
Monday, August 21, 2006 12:49:29 PM
Anonymous said...

I definitely have not mastered forgiveness. I have spent the last two hours ragefully thinking about all the things I would like to say to someone who has hurt me. Then I finally keyed in "How do you forgive someone who has hurt you?" and came to this website. I appreciate the ideas.
One thing I try to do is say "God, show me when I have hurt someone else in that way." It may not be exactly the same way - but we have all hurt people. And sometimes if I can see an instance where I hurt someone it helps me to realize that without God's mercy we would all be lost. It can also help to just get the focus back on what needs to change in me rather than what needs to change in someone else, because I can't change anyone else. But that is so hard to learn. And I think it is very very hard to let go of hurt and anger. Espcially if you have alot of early wounds. Jesus Christ died for it all. Praise God for that!
Tuesday, August 22, 2006 8:45:15 PM
merci1216 said...

it is not as simple as saying, forgive so as to be forgiven. However, one method which worked for me was shelve aside the anger and bitterness. I moved on with my life after finding out that the friends whom so i thought were not true ones, that particularly one spread lies about me and she hasn't stopped...long after i have confronted her and explained my side. she kept on perpetuating her perceptions of me. I learned later than people who are insecure and have deeper hurts and resentments are those that tend to pick on others especially those they perceive to be better than them, altho this they will not admit. the key here is early on realizing that those who pester others with blatant lies, hopefully to destroy others, are the ones who are really problematic and unwittingly crying out for help. The normal reaction when one is a victim of such people is to retaliate, get angry and inflict as much or even more harm. It is not good though. In my case, i preferred to just brush aside the source of pain, moved on and created a world away from the person and as time heals all wounds so to speak, forgiving was easier. and was really feasible. It is bad to gloat at misfortunes of those who inflict pain on you,...but somehow it is a trend that the day of reckoning comes..especially for those who faults the innocent. Forgiving is possible but time is an ally.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006 12:44:56 AM
susan. said...

I was very emotionally hurt when I was young, and often found it hard to forgive others. But someone once told me that forgiveness wasn't about the other person or saying you absolve them of what they did, but instead, it is about me, and helping myself move forward, and saying "I won't let this prevent me from getting the best potential for my own future".

Put in that context, and as many have said - when we can move past what they did to us, then we help ourselves. It's still hard sometimes to move past it, but it does make it a bit easier.

Thank you Dr. Kim for such a great forum to learn and talk about a holistic view of our health. All these things play a part of how healthy and well we are.
Monday, September 04, 2006 11:36:31 PM
Anonymous said...

This is for Trudy, I have, am and will continue to pray for you and your pain, ask God and he will free you and heal you. May you feel the godly love and peace you deserve.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006 8:13:17 PM

I sought professional help when trying to move forward with my life, because I knew that I was stuck in the past and that moving forward was never going to happen unless I came to some sort of understanding of why my father treated me the way he did. I knew that I had to forgive him but had no idea how to do that, nor if it was even possible. My help came in learning and understanding what my father had endured during the war. He left home as a 17 year old and came back having experienced more than any person should have. Because of the devastating upheaval this had on his life I understand now that, emotionally, my father never progressed past the age of 17. Understanding this has changed my life. I sympathise so much for my poor father. Everything has now fallen into place; the anger he always showed, the frustration, the jealousy, all the emotions one experiences as a teenager and young adult and the learning how to behave and manage these feelings; he was deprived of those years and emotionally has never been healed. I now have such a deep sympathy for my father and all the years he has suffered, and caused his family and friends to suffer right along with him, because he was never offered the help he and other war veterans should have received on returning home.

In the Lord's Prayer we pray, "forgive us as we forgive those who trespass against us." If we fail to forgive those who hurt or abuse us, God will not forgive us when we sin. Sound harsh? Perhaps, but it's true. He forgave those who nailed him to the cross. He said, "forgive them for they know not what they do." It's taken me years to forgive the one who raped me and left me pregnant. I don't even know his name, and I often wonder about the baby I would have had, but didn't because I chose to have an abortion. I can tell you that if I had not found how to forgive myself as well as others, I would have died at my own hand long ago. Only when I let God take care of the anger and hurt was I able to find peace and the ability to pray for the person who violated me. It has taken years for me to forgive myself for taking another's life and fully realize that God has forgiven me. To forgive is not to forget, however, only God has the ability to forget. And He does forget as well as forgive when we pray to Him. And He helps us forgive ourselves and find peace.

Great topic to discuss as all of us need to forgive and to receive forgiveness.
The day that I received Jesus Christ as my personal saviour and realized the depth of His love and forgiveness for me was the day that made it so much easier for me to forgive others. I had to take responsibility for my own actions that day. I believe that Jesus has paid the price for my sin but I had to acknowledge that I was a sinner. The light was shed on my sin. So if I'm a sinner so is everyone else. If Jesus can forgive me, he will forgive everyone else. They just have to ask Him. We are all human therefore imperfect and all of us are capable of committing the worst of sins. Of course it is easier for us to forgive people who apologize to us but the ones I find hard are the ones that don't apologize. If someone has hurt me and does not acknowledge any wrong doing, I get down on my knees and ask God to help them. I ask Him to shed light on their wrong doing and to forgive them. I also pray that they will be saved someday and I pray that they will have a happy life, a good job, a happy marriage, good health, whatever their need is, I pray for that. Sometimes it's hard to pray for someone else's happiness if they have hurt you but if you ask the Holy Spirit to help you pray according to God's will for them, He will. Once you have prayed for someone, let go of any thoughts of them and get busy working on something to move you forward. Whenever the thought of them pops into your head again, just trust that God is taking care of the matter and thank Him.

Linda

I've been working through the childhood abuse I endured for years and the journey has led me to being held accountable for my own actions and emotions. I can't continue to be angry; it just isn't productive to me or my children.

So, I write and write and write to work through all the emotions. I take every thing I do and say apart to figure out my motives.

Here are some videos I've made to work through things. I think if we could all find artistic or productive ways to express these emotions, we could work through them with better results.

http://www.youtube.com/bleaux42

I was sexually abused under hypnosis by a grief counsellor many years ago. As a result, I suffered two decades of a reactive psychosis, was diagnosed schizoaffective, lost my career and lost all hope.

My abuser then insinuated herself into my family, befriending first my mother, then my sister.

Using knowledge gained by her counselling of me, from the hypnosis and from her contrived friendships with many of my family members, she falsified connections between us.

She divorced her husband, and after nine years of my not knowing who she truly was, we became engaged to marry.

The sexual relationship between us triggered memories, which arose in full bloom when I lost consciousness whilst driving my car. I wrote the car off in an accident.

Then I saw a neurologist, had every scan imaginable, and was about to be put under the knife for an exploratory to see what sort of tumour was causing this without showing itself in the scans.

It was then I overheard my 'fiancee' breaching my professional confidences with my sister that I learned who she really was.

I know she suffered terribly as a young child.

She has self-immolated, although she described her injuries as being the result of "an emergency gynacological operation".

She is an incredibly sad person.

My amazing therapist feels my abuser suffers from borderline personality disorder. There are also signs of sociopathy and clinical narcissism.

The need for my grief counselling with her all those years ago was that I was volunteering in a mental health organisation, and ran a group for mentally disturbed youth. A teenage girl who was forced to prostitute herself to earn a living for her father took her own life. I was trying to help her.

I had my own depressive history, following the death of my father when I was very young. My mother was overdependent upon him for her self-worth. She too had been prostitued at a very young age by her stepfather.

Sexual abuse, and indeed abuse of any type, is a communicable disease. One person's abuse motivates that of another, motivating that of another, motivating that of another... As Gandhiji said, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world go blind".

To hate the abuser is to truly join them! It is to hand their abuse the final victory! To hate the abuser is to hate their abuser, and to hate the abuser who created them. Abusers are essentially people who have chosen to deify their own abusers, for they have chosen to be "created in their abuser's own image".

Forgiveness is a process. Every moment is a reminder to me of the aftermath of my abuser's chidish games and hateful pain.

The evidence is that my abuser was herself abused at a very young age. When I feel my anger rising up, I remind myself that that is indeed what she had to contend with.

I picture a bleeding, battered and bruised little girl, say two or three years old, and feeling my pain, my anger and my despair, imagine this little girl filled with the same.

Then I ponder to myself, "How could such feelings be held in such a tiny form without contorting her into the ugly shape she later assumed?"

Forgiveness is a process, and like the most important ones, it is a process in which there will inevitably be setbacks.

The secret is to never cease striving for it.

I don't view forgiveness as an end, but rather as a journey.

Maybe it'll end, maybe it won't, but the process of travelling and never giving up is the point.

"When someone, whom I have benefited, gives me terrible harm, I shall regard that person as my Holy Guru" - the Sixth Verse of Thought Transformation by Geshe Langhri Thangpa.

Thank you for re-sending this very timely article. As I am with my family for the holidays I have realized that the old hurts I am holding onto are preventing me from fully enjoying the present with my loved ones. The visualization exercise has already helped me, and I look forward to enjoying the remainder of the holidays with my relatives. Thank you!

People talk about forgiveness from a point of view of anger, hatred.
Those emotions are a follow up from the first which is fear.
Aren't we afraid of our abusers? It is that fear that motivates
us to stay away from the abuser so that we are not hurt anymore
as soon as we are able to get away from the abuser forever.

Then, from afar, we forgive, when we no longer need the fear
to save us.

What if we are asked to forgive by the abuser? I say, yes, then,
certainly.

Forgive, when you are safe, forgive when the abuser sincerely
apologizes, but never forgive until you are permanently safe.
Then, there is no fear or hatred or anger to mess you up.

Blessings!

There is an old saying that goes like this: "God always forgives, man sometimes forgives and nature never forgives." Think about that.

We all need to be able to forgive all of the wrongs done to us. It is essential to living a full happy life.

I like to think that if I fixate on and rehash anger about being hurt or treated unfairly that I am actually wasting my valuable energy and spirit giving power to the negative side of the Universe and perhaps even the person who hurt me.

The more we let it eat away at us, the more negative energy we bottle up until we are consumed by it and can't ever find the positive light at the end of the tunnel.

I believe out is better then in, in the sense that if someone is really hurting, they should make it known first "get it out", then work towards turning a negative into a positive. No that isn't ever easy, but if you talk it out or confront the situation you may feel better instantly, but you still have work to do afterward to release the bad energy and make it good again.

Remember how powerful you really are and remember that the person(s) who hurt you have their own list of reason why they are the way they are. You can't possibly know all they have been through, but remembering that they are only human and maybe sending them some positive energy despite your own pain will indeed help turn it around for your self.

If you are hurting...I wish you peace....

I just finished reading the book EAT PRAY LOVE, at the end of the book she talks about how she sat in silence and began to forgive all and everything negative in her life by allowing her self to first feel it, understand where it came from, then to ask it to enter her heart for the love that is always there and always has room for forgiving. Look at the word it self FOR GIVING... its about the love you give to yourself and to others who have touched your life in all ways.....
Dr kim is right...we all have from the start, a beautiful light inside us and what happens to us in life changes our perception about how we veiw life , but that light will always remain there. For some, the light is dim, for others very bright and it is up to all of us to help each other fill that light and it starts with forgiving with love......

Y'all talk as if anger and resentment are bad things. In my view they are just as valid as the sweet & loving emotions. They all have their place, having been given to us by God.

It is a matter of getting "mad" when the situation justifies it, and letting go when it is time.

It says in the Bible, there is "a time to love and a time to hate". No truer words were ever spoken. Folks who think they are bad or sinful because they just seem unable to let go of the resentment & anger are not bad or sinful at all. They just need time and the intervention of God Himself. God decides when to "let go", not us imperfect humans who try to force goodness onto ourselves. God's timing is perfect.

Forgiving a hurt is when you accept the person does not owe you anything because you have forgiven the debt. However, that is the easy part. The hard part is having a quality relationship with this same person if they were once close to you and now you cannot be super human and trust them the same anymore. The hard part comes after the forgiveness is given.

I believe the keys to forgiving others are as follows:
1. Realize that we also hurt others and we are not necessarily better or much better than those who have hurt us (we are all sinners and all fail to live up to Gods standard of holiness which is his own nature)
2. Realize that forgiveness is available to us, for all the wrongs (sins)we have done - this is through Jesus Christ who died for our sins so we do not reap the just reward for our own wrongs
3. We can unconditionally love others (and forgive them) because we are loved unconditionally
4. We need to accept the gift of forgiveness from God by trusting in Jesus sacrifice for us and our worthiness is then based on this and not on our own goodness (or rather, the lack of it)
5. We can then choose tpo forgive despite the feelings of hurt, knowing that our forgiving opens the door for God to then begin the process of healing us from the sting of those hurts (it may be instant but often not)
6. Jesus said "forgive them because they dont know what they are doing" - this is often the case (not always) with those who hurt us eg parents who didnt love us enough because of their own shortage of knowing love
7. We can then choose to forgive anyone (without exception)
8. We were all born sinners, originally manifested by some degree of selfishness that is evident in early life
9. Jesus was the only one not born a sinner due to his virgin birth and divine linerage - for this reason his sacrifice for our sins is all sufficient and we can add nothing to that

Forgiving your self for hurting

Happy New Year to Dr. Ben Kim and his readers.

I wish I can be of help with my views on HURT. No one wants to hurt and be hurt. We get hurt when we are vulnerable. It can be different reasons for this.
What is important is to see that we hate more our vulnerability than the person that hurt us.
If I am still vulnerable to be hurt I would not associate with people that hurt me, even if they are family. Mejor solo que en mala compania – Better alone than in bad company.
When strong enough. I would confront the people that hurt me and expect them to apologize. If they do not, forget them, forgive your self for having carried the memory of the hurt. Love your self, they do not deserve to dwell in your memory.
I can say “Forgive them God for they know not what they do”, so it is not my business. I can only feel God’s presence if I am still enough. This can only happen in the present, not living with the past memories. I have to ask my self why do I want to re-experience the past and hurt in the now. Why do I make my self vulnerable again to something that is not here now. Would an yell on the top of my lungs have stopped the assailant then? Maybe I can yell now until all hell freezes and let every one know that I will not take it any more from any one.
It is not an eye for an eye. Some people only can relay to their own “medicine”. It is up to us to make the judgment when needed. God wants us to be strong and not submissive. Allow your self to experience a hurt from the past fully and let go forever. As you take the trash out of your home to the dumpster, so do dump the past, remember only what you need to remember.
David Nakov, miencanto@hotmail.com

I've learned to forgive my parents for handling their divorce in an immature way that caused lifelong hurt to my sisters and I - including neglect that allowed one young sister to be sucked into drugs and eventually die of an overdose causing severe pain to our whole network of family, extended family and friends.

I don't know how to forgive in extreme circumstances - as a victim of violence, for example, but I do think I've found a path to forgiving those who hurt us emotionally.

You will achieve forgiveness once you understand that "other person" so well that you actually feel compassion and sympathy for them.

You don't have to like or accept what another person has done to you in order to forgive. You do need to understand as much as possible where that person was in life when they did whatever they did.

It's also good to take an honest look at our own selves, taking stock of our weaknesses and the ways in which we ourselves hurt other people (often without even realising it). The more we understand our own humanity, the more we understand the humanity of those who hurt us.

Forgiveness IS a path. It's important to be patient with ourselves and realise that forgiveness is NOT instantaneous. It is a process. It requires work, time and growth. It involves striving for insight and wisdom. It also requires love.

I like Scott Peck's (The Road Less Travelled) definition of love, which he narrows it down to time and attention. Observe where you spend your time and attention and you will find the object of your love.

When seeking to forgive, you must focus your time and your attention on the situation at hand - in other words, you must exercise love. As you do that, you will grow. That is when wisdom and understanding will start to flow into your life - love will bring that.

And as your love flows and you grow, you will start to feel the inner healing that comes with forgiveness. Then, believe it or not, there will come a time when you realise that the pain this other person caused you has made you grow so much that, if given the choice, you would never go back and undo that wrong.

That, my friend, will be your sign that you have achieved forgiveness.

This is a very important part of good health. Thank you for this eamil. We should always remember that when we do not forgive the ones who hurt us we carry this cloud of gloom over our heads and have a nasty life. Meanwhile the ones who hurt us are going on with their lives happy as ever while we carry a load of hurt. Let it go and free yourself from these chains that are pulling you down is what I would say.

Lessons I've learned from Aristotle, Jesus, and Debi Pearl

I remember being in my early twenties and looking at women in their 30’s and 40’s who were crabby, bitter, and hateful, and saying, “I’ll never be like that!” And yet, somehow, at 35, the joy had slowly seeped out of my life and been replaced by a pervasive bitterness and apathy. In my search for answers, I found some very helpful concepts I’d like to share.

Like those I observed, I too have been hurt, abused, slandered, and cheated. In an attempt to prevent more damage, I tried to shield my heart and ended up hurting others. For instance, because of damage done to me by men in my past, my lack of trust carried over into my marriage, damaging my relationship with my husband. I have always operated under a “The best defense is a good offense” approach, keeping up a fighting stance. This angry posture in turn caused hurt and bitterness in him.

The first helpful concept is that of the proverbial “first stone.” Found in the Bible is the story of an adulterous woman. The penalty at that time was death by stoning. Jesus said to the crowd gathered, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” He was not condoning her sin, but rather showing us how to forgive. We don’t have to condone the actions of those who have hurt us, but we can forgive them because we want to be forgiven for our sins. Another time Jesus told an amazing parable on this subject in Matthew 18 if you want to look into this further.

Another resource of tremendous benefit to me was a book by Debi Pearl, “Created to be His Helpmeet.” The “unvarnished truth” presented in this book, geared toward wives, was the key to turning my marriage around, but would be worth buying just for the section titled, “Practice makes perfect.” We can practice bitterness, anger, and hurt, or we can practice thankfulness, joyfulness, peacefulness.

My husband was unfaithful to me years ago. Thoughts still pop into my head—when we’re having an argument and I feel attacked, I want to bring it up; during intimate times my mind wanders and I wonder about “her”; when I’m feeling guilty over something I’ve done, I want to bring it up to assuage my guilt… But like the woman who commented on forgiveness having layers like an onion, forgiveness is not a one time act. I forgave my husband when the truth finally came out, but I have to do it again each time it comes into my mind. Forgiving him means I don’t rub it in his face, use it to justify my actions, or to control him via guilt. I have hurt our relationship in many ways, chiefly with my anger, but I want him to forgive me and not keep bringing it up. In the same way, I choose to forgive and “forget” his faults.

As I learned from Debi Pearl, it’s like learning to play the piano: practicing to find the right notes to make beautiful music, I want to learn to find the notes of joy and peace in my heart and in my life. I can keep hitting the disharmonious notes of bitterness—it’s my right to keep sounding those notes, and no one will blame me if I’m hurt—but it will make an ugly song that everyone around me has to listen to. I can choose to practice the beautiful notes. I tend to rehearse hurtful scenes in my mind, making the script of my life a tragedy. But like Erma Bombek, Barbara Johnson, or Mary Roach, I’d rather make it a comedy!

Finally, a quote from Aristotle I have memorized says, “Excellence is an art won by training and habituation. We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but we rather have those because we have acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.

May other readers of these words be blessed and encouraged on their path to wholeness!

My mother was a self centered person that did as she wanted to no matter what. She was wild and didn't care what others thought about what she did. She would fit right in these days but in the 50's, she didn't. We were put in foster care 3 different times because of things she did. I was unhappy for all the years that I lived with her.
After I married and found out just how bad some children have been treated, I realized that she could have been a lot worse. I also realized that she had a hard childhood. Something had to make her so mean and uncaring. It also made me a more caring and sensitive person towards others. It is best to look at a person's good points when you can.
I forgive her but it still bothers me when I hear of the abuse that some people do to their kids. I don't feel that authorities do as much as they can to prevent some of the torture and child abuse that goes on. I know that this is so in lots of cases. When there is a divorce, children should go to the parent that they want to live with, as long as they are decent responsible people. Living with an uncaring parent, can ruin a child's life.

Forgiveness emanates from humble admission and confession of our own failures, mistakes and sins. Without a sense of guilt (not self-incrimination) and whole-hearted willingness for reparation and reform, there shall not be peace in one's heart.

Let's not forget that our inability to forgive the wrongs done to us burden us physically, mentally and spiritually; and it puts a huge block between us and God, Who is all merciful. His pardon is based upon our ability to forgive and forget. And the grace and enlightenment are immeasurable.

It is also believed that safekeeping anger consumes our whole being. Imagine its toll on our body and mind. Let's throw it out and what ease and peace will it bring!

FORGIVE AND FORGET FROM OUR HEARTS.

I think that when we are constant victims of abuse, it is because we received a message at a very young age maybe at an age that we can't even remember, when someone told us that we were either not worth it, there to serve others, unwanted, etc. Imagine if you were in another household raised by healthy people. You would not feel that way. Someone lied to you because they had severe problems of their own. I think that that you would have to see a professional to help you get rid of that message. I think what you CAN do right now and it has helped me is to eat right, primarily a vegetarian diet, stay away from alcohol cigarettes, and sugary/salty/fried foods. Exercise...even if you just have to start out exercising five minutes a day. And find something that you are afraid of doing, be it taking a public speaking course, swimming, anything healthy that you are afraid of doing. And only hang out with people who will make you feel good about you...even if it means having only one friend. Stay away from people who need an audience or who don't have the inner strength to be honest with themselves. I also am a firm believer in meditation, yoga, and the martial arts. I don't know if one could ever compeltely heal but you will go much, much further in your development if you follow the above advice. I also say stay away from negative and controlling people. They are too insecure to be around and have another set of problems. Be good to yourself and also put up boundaries and do not be afraid to get the life that YOU want.

My step-father beat my mother to death when I was a child, and got away with it..."She fell down the stairs". This happened in 1963 when spousal abuse was not discussed like it is today. My hatred, and anger, and perceived need for revenge made me a very difficult person to be around. Then one day, (I think I was about 32 years old), I woke up with a strong desire to find my step-father to tell him that I forgave him, that I loved him, and that Jesus loved him also. I did find him. My life changed 180 degrees that morning that I awoke with this miracle forgiveness in my heart. I am almost 60 years old now, and I can say for sure, that for me, forgiving my step-father was the greatest miracle in my life. If only the rest of the world could share the miracle of forgiveness, we would ALL be better off.

As a new member I am very interested in the topic of Forgiveness. As a 71-year old I know how difficult forgiving can be - I still get angry at people long since defunct & even when I convince myself I've thoroughly forgiven them, ten minutes later the old wrath comes boiling up & I realise once again my forgiveness proceeded from a shallower level than my anger. I note Dr Kim's remarks about visualising victimisers as very young children. This doesn't help me personally but a variant on this does - visualising victimisers as they will be when rehabilitated by God.
(Since I don't believe in a Hell - there's only Heaven! - everyone victimisers & victims alike end up in that place thoroughly rehabilitated). I welcome comments, criticisms.

I love some of the comments stated here on forgiveness. I too like many have many areas in my life of pain and rejection. I was raised in an abusive alcoholic home. Raped at age 11 and molested at age 15 by a high school teacher. I was beaten physically and mentally abused. Told I was worthless. I had tried to kill myself at age 15 1/2. These things had taken over my life, my thoughts and anything else. I hated people, but I longed to be loved by people. At age 18 I was introduced to God. desparate for some kind of love I had 2 choices. One was to believe everything God and His word said, and two to go on hating myself and anyone else that crossed my path. I either had to take control of my life by making choices to live or give control over to an enemy of hate and destruction.I chose to live and make choices. The road to forgiving all my offenders wasn't easy and I am now 30 something yrs into it. But I am free, free to love and be loved, free to give from myself the gifts the my creator has put inside of me. I believe there are 2 plans for my life......life which is embracing God and His word or death, the plan of God's adversary on my life. I also had to look at the plans for my abusers life. They like me also have choices, but not all make the right one. Some are so blinded through the glasses of their own disfunction. They see nothing else. They chose not to forgive and trust. The choice keeps a legacy of death and destruction. I too many time have questioned if my forgiveness was valid. Was it just words I said to make myself feel better. I recently brought my children to the place I was raised. I had brought them down to a lake near my home as a child. While at the lake I suddenly realized this is where I had been raped. When I turned I noticed a man sitting in a truck, I thought what if that is him the man that raped me. I thought for a moment and said Lord if it was I would like to pray for him to know what I know about love and forgiveness. I would like him to be able to be emotionally healed and freed from the pain he feels. As I walked around I noticed something on his truck....a vanity plate....yes the mans name that raped me was on that plate. I smiled and thanked the Lord for setting me free from the hate I had once felt for this man. I smiled because that memory had no power over me. I had turned to my children and continued to show them the things I loved in my life like skipping rocks across the water. We have to forgive to set ourselves free. Our mind and our bodies knows the differance. Someday maybe my experience will breath life into someone else. I will not become a bitter and spiteful person then I am no differant then my abusers. This life is not easy but it is possible to live it full of life, inspite of it all.It's good to forgive. Kim

If and when you can visualize the innocence, as you mentioned in babies, that helps, but also to know most all people do the very best they can, with the hand of 'cards' they are dealt in this life. For various reasons, abuse suffered themselves, or whatever else they might have gone through that no one may even know about, they can only function in certain ways, but no more than that. I believe most all do the very best they can possibly do, given the factor that affect them. I believe if they could do any better, they would, also. We all want to be liked deep down inside, though some may act like they do not care.
Just a thought or two more to ponder . . .hope this will help someone.
Janine

This is an excellent article that works well with yours. An excerpt: ""

"To those of you who are incapable of any kind of forgiveness, just remember that people aren't born with the intention to inflict pain. It's not how we're built, but rather what we become because of the choices we made in the past. And it was what we can cease to be in a moment if we so choose. In a moment, if we so choose. And when you don't forgive, you edge closer to a world of bitterness and greater pain and defensives. You build walls because you're too scared to be hurt again - but you will be hurt again, no matter what you do. It's a part of life and it's a part of the pleasure of this life because it's in those moments of pain and hurt and in the way you choose to overcome them that your character is defined. And here, you have a choice. You either face this life or you run from it. You either challenge it or you succumb to it. You either rule it or you are ruled by it."

Just cope and paste: http://www.onefemalecanuck.com/2008/02/on-forgiveness-apology.html

My life growing up was really rough. My Dad and step mom verbally and mentally abused me regularly.
I was in so much self-pity about my family life. As an adult I would tell people all of the awful stories, replaying them over and over again and I just couldn't let the memories go. I became an alcoholic/addict and had to go to AA to get better. In AA I learned that we have to be free of resentments. I was advised to pray for everyone that I resented. I made a list of everyone that I had a resentment towards and every night I prayed for each person. After a week EVERY resentment was GONE. Sometimes a resentment will sneak up on me and I know that I hve to pray for them. The prayer in "the aa big book" goes something like this: God(or whatever you chose to beleive) "I pray for ______. This is a sick person. Help me have a kind and tolerant view of them. Show me how to be helpful to them. Save me from being angry." I swear this works! For once in my life I am free from anger. I wish my other family members were open to trying this. Give this a shot! When you let go of anger you have more room for love!

When an adult has hurt another - the hurtee may have to imagine the hurter as an innocent child to move through the pain. To be honest, it doesn't really help me in a heartfelt way; only intellectually. Can we imagine Hitler as a cute baby? Yes. Does that help us forgive him? No. The only thing I think that helps is the notion of "forgive them for they do not know." In other words, the person is just hurting another blindly and with no empathy or compassion. It's done out of narcissism or fear. You forgive their ignorance. Well, I'm one who's having a lot of trouble moving through abuse and even Tyler Perry's rant to his father didn't help me. Though maybe it helped him, I don't know how he accomplished that shift. Maybe his father's, "I love you," was the medicine. And what about the consequences, hurt and pain of war. It's not how much money we spent in Iraq that wasn't used for schools or hospitals that ultimately matters. It's all the innocent lives that have been lost. Human never seem to get this. War is all about humans killing other humans and acting numb about it. Heads in the sand. That's why the lesson of war is repeated. Once humans realize all lives are sacred, war would never happen.

Like some of you, I've been abused physically and mentally as a child.
I've found that forgiveness is great for the smaller hurts in life, but not for the big stuff.

For the extreme hurts I've learned that the only thing that works is t first break down the walls you may have built up to protect yourself against further hurt. Once you break down these walls - with the help of loving people in your life - you can then release your pain and move on with your life. The person that hurt you isn't important anymore and you don't have to 'give' them anything of yourself.

What this meant for me: it took me years to figure out that I even had internal walls built up. Once I figured that out, I made sure I only opened up to very sensitive people I could absolutely trust. As my walls were coming down, I started crying periodically for apparently 'no reason' for about a month. I let it happen and it felt so good - I felt all that burden and stress melt away from me.

Yes, forgiveness is good for some things - often the person that hurts another has no idea anyway, how much damage they've caused - but I think it's not enough for the deep seated stuff.

Anyway, I wish all of you who are hurting that you can get rid of your pain and move on with your life. You're not lone.

Definitely agree that forgiveness is often more about freeing oneself from limiting, painful emotions than it is about releasing the person who hurt you from responsibility for their actions. Many times the people who hurt others are so unconscious of their own inner processes that they will continue to behave in the same or similar ways throughout their lives. They are simply too damaged and too ignorant to be able to do what it takes to recover and become sane, caring human beings.

What I have experienced also, is that most people have so many layers and characteristics, some of which may all tend in the same direction, while others seem to work at cross purposes. The same person who actually does love and respect and care about you may also harbor tremendous anger, condescension, frustration, etc., and they may at times believe that you are responsible for their unpleasant emotions, and treat you accordingly. Since you are also a human being with many layers and characteristics, your own inner fears and conflicts and unpleasant emotions may indeed have triggered their reactions toward you. While I would hesitate to say that all this emotional pain and confusion and unconsciousness is "normal", it is certainly so common that probably almost everyone experiences it at least to some degree.

So, what are the keys to unravelling this stuff so that we can all free ourselves from past trauma? I believe there are:
1)Commitment. Realize that you are important enough to deserve to recover and be free to give and receive affection and respect. Respect the pain and the power it has to teach you about yourself, about others, about life. And commit to not giving up to despair. Commit to inner honesty, commit to continue working to free yourself, to open yourself to life.
2)Listen to what your dreams are trying to tell you. Your organism constantly seeks to heal itself on all levels. Sometimes your dreams may speak of your anxiety, your grief. Contemplate the dream images on an emotional level and feel compassion toward yourself. Other times your dreams may show you a tremendous beauty, love, peace, joy. This type of dream indicates that you do indeed still have all of this inside of you, trying to manifest in your life. Acknowledge this message by consciously assisting your inner joy, love, peace, and beauty to find active expression in your waking life.
3. Forgive yourself and don't get caught up in remorse. Feel it, but don't be attached to it. Remorse should be your loving teacher--no matter how painful the memories--but not your slavemaster or torturer. By and by, as you learn to forgive yourself, the forgiveness towards others--and towards the hardships of life in general--will also develop.
4. Don't expect "perfection". Forgiveness usually isn't an all-or-nothing, once-and-forever phenomenon. The only real perfection lies in transcendence, in universal consciousness, toward which each being, through the power of life itself, unceasingly attempts to move. Every time an inner barrier dissolves, rejoice and breathe! You have passed a milestone, but the journey is not over!
5. Try to understand the personality and emotional components of your relationships with other people. Learn to be your own emotional detective. Your feelings can be valuable clues, both to your own inner self as well as to the personality and emotions of other people. Understood in this light, your relationships can teach you many valuable lessons. Sometimes the lesson might be, "I need to understand, love, and respect myself more". Other times it might be, "This is a person with whom I should not be in a close relationship." Respect your intuition and understanding and act accordingly, focusing on taking the best possible care of yourself--not on negative emotions or actions towards the other person.
6. Don't be in a hurry. If you tend to "fall in love at first sight" and then soon find that Mr. or Ms. Right isn't so right after all, even might be someone who is going to hurt you a lot, consciously try to slow it down! Why are you in such a big hurry? Is it because you are so desperate for affection that you are forgetting to first find out if this person is actually worthy of a close relationship with you? Respect your need for affection first of all by respecting your right to personal safety and well-being. If you love and respect yourself, you will know more about what to look for in others, and more apt to find relationships with people who truly love and respect you. So don't be in a hurry. Take your time, be observant, and choose your friends and "significant others" carefully and consciously.
7. Sometimes a sense of humor can come to the rescue! I know people who gush at me when they see me. These same people, however, do nothing to create or maintain a friendship with me. They never call me, never invite me to their house, do not return my phone calls or respond to my e-mails. Yes, I've felt angry at them sometimes. I resent their apparent shallowness. But hey, there's nothing that says I have to build my emotional satisfaction around these people! If that's how they are or how they want to be, who am I to try to change them? Essentially they are harmless, they are not out there killing and maiming, cheating and stealing; they are just a little flighty and insincere. They've just wounded my vanity a little bit. Big deal! And then I laugh at the absurdity of it all. It's like the James Thurber cartoon where it shows a zillion people all rushing to and fro along a busy street going past a cemetery. The only text is "Destinations". So I just appreciate myself a bit, and giggle. In the end, we're all going to the same place anyway!

This is a wonderful subject, and I am happy to see it being discussed. I have a little different twist, which the original article approaches but does not address. Everyone is doing their best all the time. At every moment, even the violently abusive parents described in some of the comments, everyone is making the best choice they can in those moments. If we can see that, we can perhaps see that they were not evil perpetrators, just humans caught in a bad dream of life, passing down the poison they had been fed.

These people that hurt us were not bad or evil. They were hurt, and so they hurt others. If we can truly see that they were doing their best, then we can perhaps realize that they are just as innocent as their victims. In a universe of action << >> reaction, many things happen that we don't like and we label then as "wrong." Humans label; the universe doesn't. Things eat each other. Humans hurt each other. The sun rises and sets. Novas explode. Worms die. The universe is at peace with all of it. It is all perfect.

If we can see the perfection, outside of our human labels, we can see that THERE IS NOTHING TO FORGIVE. That, for me, is the true meaning of forgiveness-- that we have experienced the perfection of God's universe and do not judge it. We accept it without perhaps understanding it. Therein lies the peace of true forgiveness.

Thanks for letting me share my dream.

My brother & myself, especially him; were terribly emotionally scared & beaten. We were not wanted children the way we see it looking back. We are both very hard workers & actually quite talented in & around our homes. The way we see it it is our families loss not ours as we some how 'rised' above the horrible emotional hurt & showed them that we were not the dumb & stupid individuals we were always told we were & that we would never amount to anything. I feel looking back that there was alot of envy on the parents part. We have never ever been home sick in our life, there wasn't anything there that we missed except a control issue. It was always be damned if you did & be damned if you didn't situation constantly going on in our lives. We could never do a darn thing right as it was always picked apart. My poor brother endured unbelieveable beatings like near death, since I can remember at about the age of one & a half I still can remember the horrors & I am 62 yrs & he is 64 yrs now. We have endured & worked hard all our lives over coming lack of self confidence, there is times when that comes back to haunt me over different situations & sort of with drawn. I have a lovely old friend who is 91 yrs in a few days who has been a very good mother to me & been supportive & very helpful with her way of dealing with these kind of things. We have learned to let go of a lot of baggage from our past as we realize that we cannot change what has happened to us as all that does is hold us back from going forward & we have been better people in our adult lives than our parents. Most of all we showed ourselves that there is much better way to live like treat others the way we would like to be treated & be sincere. Your page from Myra is excellent I made a copy for my brother & myself to be able to read from time to time. Thank you Ellen

Forgiving to heal is absolutely necessary. I have had the experience when I forgave my father. He was abusive, incestuous. The fear he brought into my young heart kept me bound for years. I could not receive or give love. It was so painful. When I forgave him a huge weight was lifted, I felt compassion, love. I don't know how it happened but do know that God was involved. My heart grew that day and since then much love has come my way. Open your heart to God and He will help you forgive and love again.

Several years ago, I purchased a weight loss tape that was quite good. After a lot of information about food choices, self-awareness, etc. at the end of the tape, was the suggestion that being overweight was tied to unforgiveness. It made sense to me. There was a beautiful verse that I still repeat when I think about it. No matter what your "religious" beliefs, if it is said everyday, it works on the subconscious as well as the conscious mind:

"All that has offended me, I forgive
Within and without, I forgive
Things past, things present and things future, I forgive
I forgive positively everything and everyone who could possibly need forgiveness
I am free...and they are free.

Forgiveness is very hard to do sometimes, but as many of the previous statements show there is no hard and fast rules. Yes I have been abused, in several different ways and I have fought to get over it. I have found that if I sit down and write all of my thoughts, my anger, my frustrations, my loneliness, anything that I am feeling towards someone and than lift it up to my higher power that I choose to call God or My Heavenly Father. Pray over it and tell God that as an act of my will I choose to forgive him or her and now work that forgiveness in me. I then either burn or bury the paper. It is like a cleaning and all the facts have been presented to my father God and he will handle it. If I do continue to think about it or another aspect of the problem or person comes up I do it again or I do think of and the feelings are still there I say no, Help me God it is in your hands and as I keep turning it over to God he takes it away sometimes when I don't realize it until later. God is the source of all forgiveness.

This is my first time reading your column and to my amazement I feel I was guided here because I have gone through a lot of hurt from others in the past year. I am realizing now how I have to forgive them and go on. I liked how you said we don't need to tell anyone but yourself - you are so right I feel like a large weight has lifted.

I've been working on forgiving lately; so this article is quite timely. I scanned the comments and noted that there was no mention of Colin Tippin's book/web site RADICAL FORGIVENESS. The tools he outlines are very effective.

Dear Dr. Kim,

Hello from Spain. I read as usual your most interesting articles and this one about forgiveness has attracted my attention because of my personal life. You do remember that I mentioned to you that I have been brought up in an extremely abusive (both physical and emotional) family. Both my parents and now including my eldest brother (who is a clonation of my father) behave in very abusive ways. And what I can say regarding "forgiveness" is that during 55 years I forgave all of them, all their deeds and acts and behaviours and every single wrong thing they did or said to me. And the result was that the more I forgave, the more perverse they became with me. They never changed. All the contrary, they reinforced their abusive behaviour and perversity even more. Therefore, I do not agree with you that we have to forgive everything and all the time. One thing is to forgive something which was done only once and a long time ago and never repeated again, and another thing is to keep forgeting someone`s abusive behaviour towards you constantly, no matter how perverse this person keeps behaving with you. this - in my opinion - would be called to be a "masoquist". You cannot show compassion to this kind of people, because they will never change, no matter how nice, kind, generous, compassionate, loving and caring you are to them. A perverse person (and I have read quite a lot of books regarding this matter) will never change his/her behaviour.

This is my opinion, which of course you do not have to agree with.

My kind regards to you from Spain and always looking forward to receiving your very interesting and most helpful news letters.

Vida Missaghian

Dr. Kim,

Thank you so much for sharing this article on forgiveness. Although it has been in my inbox for a few days, I didn't open it until now. Timing is everything. I am a small business owner and this week I had a very hurtful and unexpected exchange with someone who works with me. At first I wanted to cry, then I became angry, and then I calmed down and thought I had moved on. However, it wasn't until I read this article that I realized that I haven't forgiven her for the hurtful and inaccurate words. I just visualized her as a baby. Just that simple act allowed me to exhale and begin to work on forgiveness.

I also was raised in a baptist/christian household where church was a three day of seven experince. From those teaching and the Love and support of my parents I developed the GIFT of forgiveness,and patience. My philosophy is simple.When I find myself in a situation that requires forgiveness or just a simple ear or shoulder to lean on, I first consider this persons upbringing and background ,and try to put myself in their shoes.Looking at the situation from the other persons view (as best as you can) gives me the ability to allow the God in me to forgive and/or understand the problem.More than likely that person who is worthy of your forgiveness must first forgive themselves. And it is up to you to help them recognize their mistake and help them find the solution for their guilt. I find that Patience and Love are truly the essence to peace in my life and I thank God for these gifts.

I highly recommend Colin Tipping's book "Radical Forgiveness". This book changed my life. Years of hurt and resentment toward my ex-husband vanished after reading this book and doing the forgiveness worksheets. Thank you for your article Dr. Kim

I had heard that forgiving is not a feeling but a decision that one makes. Once the decision has been made in the mind then the heart/feeling will follow in due time. Could this be true?

After my marriage of 26 years ended I had a lot of time to reflect on all the things that went wrong. And every time I did so, the hurt of that situation came back again. I went to see a counsellor a few times so I could voice my previously unexpressed anger at an empty chair. That felt good - somebody came alongside and validated my feelings. Then I decided that all I needed to do was not think about these things anymore. However, choosing NOT to think something is harder than choosing TO think something. Random thoughts came and there I was - again - in that hurtful situation. At the same time I knew that I needed to forgive my ex in order for me to move on. But how could I forgive when the hurts were still there? (I wish we had been equipped with a button called "forgive, feel no more pain and get on with life".) As a Christian, I prayed for God's help in this, since He had forgiven me also. Then, one day, as I relived a hurtful experience, I heard myself saying "I need a hug". Much like when a small child skins her knee and wants her mommy to comfort her. The knee is not instantly healed, but the mother's tender caring makes a world of difference. It was as though God came into my bedroom and said "I'm here for you". I felt a warmth and tenderness that just melted away the hurts that were there a moment before. I learned from that experience that the pain sometimes keeps us from forgiving someone and it's okay for an adult to ask for a hug. I've gotten lots of hugs from God (and people) and can say that the ugly thoughts are few and far between these days and last shorter each time. Try it, and hopefully you'll be on the road to healing too.

I read somewhere about anger - this is a statement that caught my eye and is very true. If you are angry at someone the other person is in control.

A pleasant day to you.

The Lord said in His word (The Bible) that you should forgive anyone who has caused you hurt seventy times seven(70x7). He has forgiven us many more times than that.

God bless you.

If God can forgive us our many sins then who are we to not forgive each other. It only hurts us when we do not forgive.

LUKE 23 v 34 "And Jesus prayed, Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." Jesus did not say "I forgive you" He asked His Father to forgive them; what more perfect example could we be given.

I realized after years of torment, I came across the article below. It helped me to realize that the one thing standing in my way of being able to forgive was the fact that I'd never received an apology. It has been very helpful. Letting go is difficult, but considerably easier than holding on to the pain.

http://www.onefemalecanuck.com/2008/02/on-forgiveness-apology.html

I think the forgiving comes with time and understanding that the other person just made a mistake....they were thoughtless and did not understand...they had probably been hurt and just retaliated. I think it is more difficult to forget than forgive.. As the memory of those powerful negative experience replay from time to time in our mind then reaching back into you heart and the hurt happens again and again. My daughter has taught me to have a shredder in my mind.. any information that does not really matter or need to be remembered send it straight to the shredder and watch it get shredded into nothing at all.. just let it go never to be retrieved again.. that is my mission in life NOW to shred the things I do not need to remember..

This article really made me wonder. I have never been able to forgive any of my tormentors. I have suffered every kind of abuse at the hands of my family and most of all my parents. Whether it was a beating from them or it was from my brothers who were angered by my parents. Often being hit until I blacked out. I have been raped and molested, beaten, and berated, starved, abandoned, and put down repeatedly in such cruel ways, as well as humiliated. I can never forgive, and it is destroying my marriage. I am angry too much and push everyone away. I don't know where to start other than just cutting my ties and moving away and pretending to not know them. Is there really a way to just say "oh yeah dad you said rape was just an assault with a friendly weapon that's all, okay i forgive you"...

Dear Dr. Kim,

I so enjoy your openness and warmth that translate from your articles. I am not an artistic gentle temperament like you are, and your method of forgiveness does not work for me. The only time I find relief from anger and unforgiveness is when I adhere to the prescription given in the Holy Bible. Forgiveness is a choice, one can forgive or live in pain. The way I forgive is by choosing too, praying for the offender, asking for their happiness and healing, and renouncing my judgments and resentment in Jesus name. I do this until my heart and thoughts toward the abuser change and I can love them more than I love my life. Well, that's my personal thoughts and experience you asked for at the end of this article.

Many blessings, you are a very appreciated,
Dawn

Thank you for this article. I no longer see hurtful acts as hurtful acts. I now see them as a cry for love and protection that they never got as a child. No longer will I be hurt by these acts; instead I will be filled with compassion and understanding as to why the person behaves the way they do. Thank you Dr. Ben Kim. As usual, your newsletter has been extremely helpful. =]

Most of these comments are about fogiving someone who has hurt YOU. I have no problem with forgiving people who have hurt me. I do that every day and do not hold grudges. Where I am totally unable to forgive is when someone purposely hurts my CHILD or a family member that I love. Someone purposely and methodically went through a scheme to break up my daughter and her boyfriend. This person was very sneaky and evil in her efforts and even her mom was in on it!! These people were successful and has caused my daughter so much heartache. I am simply unable to forgive. Why is it so much different when it is my child as compared to if it was just me?? These people are now spreading lies about ME!! They hate me and my daughter so much and continue to torment us! How do you forgive someone for hurting someone you love???

When I ponder on all that the Lord Jesus Christ has forgiven me of - I can't possibly hold on to unforgiveness against another. He tells me to forgive others as He has forgiven me. That's not easy and sometimes I have to pray myself through an encounter with someone who has wronged me, but His Spirit within us will give us the strength if we will let Him.

People who have hurt me tell me that I am 'overly sensitive'. I view that as their way of justifying their behaviour because it is avoiding the impact of their behaviour on me. Maybe I am overly sensitive, but if I say, you hurt me, then surely if you care or love me, you will make some attempt to understand how you hurt me in order to know me better and avoid it happening again.

However, I think most people don't want to know, because they can't deal with facing their own short comings or the guilt they sometimes feel about their behaviour. That is the problem for me. If they cannot face the discomfort of being made aware of their own less than perfect behaviour, then I am likely to be hurt by them again.

In recent years I have been very hurt by the people closest to me who have let me down at the most traumatic time of my life. I became very bitter and angry and hated feeling that way.

Two things have helped me overcome the bitterness I felt I would never be able to shed.

Both ideas I found on the internet.

The first, 'Pray for the person who hurt you'. It shifts the focus from you being a victim, to pity for them that they have lost someone who cared deeply for them.

That was vital for me. Not feeling like a victim. I also had to accept that I will not feel the depth of care for them that I once did.

The other relates to me and how I behave. I must decide to put myself first and stop changing all my plans to accommodate selfish demands from other people, instead of caving in all the time and putting their needs first, because I love them and want to spend time with them. I am teaching them to treat me inconsiderately when I cave in all the time.

I have begun doing this and in some instances, it has led to further estrangement and seeing much less of the person concerned, but you know what? That's OK with me, because I don't want to spend time with someone who does not consider me and my needs at any time.

What I most needed was; not to feel like a victim and to take the risk that by putting myself first, I may lose some relationships and be OK with that. I am gradually losing my bitterness and hope that by this time next year, I will be leading a very happy and fulfilling life, free of bitterness and anger..........it does hold us back from our future. Who wants to be around an angry bitter person and why make yourself that type of person, because of someone else's behaviour!

It's true that forgiving someone is more important for your own wellbeing than it is for the other person.But often I would feel handicapped as to how I should do it.It's easier to hold on to the past and mull over it.
You've shared a valuable tool with us.Thinking about the person's past and where his/her inconsiderate acts are stemming from would help us heal ourselves and let go.Thanks a million.

The only way,to truly forgive,is with the help of the Holy Spirit! There is not one human being that will forgive naturally. Only God can work in, and give a person a willing heart to forgive. Only when one realizes we will never measure up to God's perfect holiness, and God forgives our totally sinful selves, through Jesus Christ,(even when others may view us as most wonderful, loving people...),we have no choice but to forgive others who also don't measure up to "God's" standards. Hating and/or not forgiving a person who has hurt us, is just as wrong as the offense itself! Unforgiveness just puts one into one's own prison; unable to move anywhere, in love or joy, because the wall he/she has created by not forgiving allows absolutely NO freedom, only more pain, and loneliness! Let go...and let God!!!

Yes, forgiving someone who has hurt us and who has caused us much pain is a difficult to do .... but it can be done. Forgiveness is a Choice - we have to make

This article was very helpful and enlighting. Once I thought about my tormentor as a toddler, I now understand the hurt he may have endured in his life before I became a part of his life. because hurt people hurt others. I really want to forgive my tormentor whom is now my ex-husband, I really want to walk forward and stop turning my back on my future. I will continue to pray for Gods guidence throughout this process.

That was truly powerful. Sometimes the gifts of people come from pain. Whether its writing,singing, dancing, etc. Pain does make you stronger when you learn how to overcome it. Forgiving people is the hardest thing in the world to do. No matter how many times you try and say "I forgive you", sometimes you still havent, and find more feelings, especially when you lock it up inside. It can take years. Some people can never fully accomplish it. I do know that if you take out the pain and face it and get it all out there, you have a better chance of getting over it and letting it go.

It is like I am reading my own story. I don't know why suddenly my tears started to fall...I remember my mom. Ever since I was young I always thought she hated me a lot and loved my sister more. But then as I was growing up I started realizing that I knew that she loved me more than anyone else. She cared for me a lot and showing it in a different way and I'm seeing it in a different way too. I grew up with hatred but as I realized it I thank God how precious am I to have a mother like her because I won't be me if not because of her. I love you so much mom.

Thanks for the article. I agree that forgiveness is more benefit for the one who decides to forgive rather than the one being forgiven. The universe is made of love and we have to use love to resolve all problems and make things back to its good shape. Sometimes time will heal. I’ll remember that I won’t rush myself through it. I am just facing a sudden change of life which is about a different in expectations. The other person did not handle it very properly but I know there is responsibility lie in myself too. Right now I’m still a bit angry with him. We had been contacting long-d for half a year and I confessed my feelings over the internet. He said he felt the same too but then when we saw each other in real life. I felt that things were different. He seemed not the person I thought and I did not feel he liked me either. However, as I still wanted to try and there was still a bit of hope. I brought up the issue and he told me that he didn’t have the strong feeling. Things seem to be natural and it finally settles now. I do not have to guess. But I do not know why I am still angry with him. I do not have that feelings for him and he does not feel the same for me now. It sounds fair. So why am I still feeling angry? I should not blame him for his telling me he got feelings the other day because I did not have feelings now and I also told him I liked him. I am just not used to seeing the past fades. Anyway, after typing this, I feel more beautiful now. I got happy memory after all. ?

Every day I am filled with anger at my ex boyfriend. Throughout our relationship he had been unfaithful to me with many women and contracted HIV. He did not get tested for this and obviously did not care. He finally told me and I tested positive. I am filled with hatred and anger and feel like he must pay for his actions. But for my own peace of mind, sometimes I choose to believe that karma will come to get him. How do you fully forgive someone who supposedly loved you, but then handed you a death sentence?

Many years ago, at a Navigator's conference in Pennsylvania, I heard this definition of Forgiveness, which has never left me. It may seem a bit clinical or lacking depth, in terms of addressing the emotional, but here goes ... FORGIVENESS is a THREEFOLD Promise that:
1) I will not bring this issue up again, in my own mind, in an act of self-pity. 2) I will not bring this issue up again, to the offending person, in an act of cruelty. 3) I will not bring this issue up again, to a Third Party, in an act of gossip/slander. ... Now to unpack them a bit 1) doesn't mean you can't address it in prayer or other constructive ways, to yourself & with God. 2) doesn't mean that you & the offender don't ever discuss it, but just not in cruelty or as ammunition during a new situation. 3) doesn't mean you never speak to anyone about it, but keep it limited to ONLY those who are a part of the problem, &/or those who are a part of the solution.

I am working on this concept. My childhood consist of being placed in an orphanage at the tender age of three because my parents were financially and emotionally unable to take care of me. After a few years they forgot about me. Then I went into a foster home who used me as a house maid.

I will say I do have a wonderful life now, but I cannot say I have totally forgiven the very people who was supposed to love me unconditionally only to abandoned me. And then to have someone take full advantage of a child who has no one and use them.

I have a terrific husband and three wonderful children. And I try to put my past behind me. But I ask myself all the time how do people sleep at night when they know they have hurt someone deeply. And how does a parent put a child in an orphanage and don't come to visit. That is a mystery to me. I would die for my kids. Perhaps I will never solve the mystery!

I enjoyed with sadness, reading your story and I am very glad you found a peace with what you went through as a child and I am sorry. I have been hurt as a child too and with that came bad decisions as I grew to be an adult. I am older now and haved tried to move on from the pity parties I would have over how I was treated but have learned for me, that when I feel I have been so wronged, I focus on how Jesus Christ was so tormented and died for our sins and then I feel that my issues were so little in comparison...not that my issues were meaningless because some things children should never experience, but this world is cruel and have found after living a hard life in every way that God is really there and he is my only hope and peace and I feel so much better today and had to forgive myself first before moving on. Thank you and may you all find peace

The following may need to be considered:
- We need to reflect about how it came that- and when we ourselves had hurt somebody.
- There is of course always a reason for one hurting another.
- Understanding that reason may be a precondition to be able to forgive.
- To put oneself into the situation of the aggressor(s).
- Of course the most logical thing to do would be to confront the aggressors by saying something like this:
"You hurt me. You reacted inappropriately. Why did you do this? Tell me why you did this - it will help me to understand and forgive you, and thus will prevent tensions, pain and vindictive feelings."
- If the aggressors can be motivated to reflect about their inappropriate action, it may even help them to prevent to act in similar ways in the future.
- We need to communicate that we care about them and about an atmosphere free of unhealthy tensions.
- Unfortunately, in some cases, if, again for some reason, the aggressors are unable and unwilling to understand and to explain themselves, an announcement of the need for retaliation due to the reasons indicated above, or ultimately - and only if the previous steps have proven to be ineffective to resolve the issue - an appropriate retaliation may be the only way to open their eyes, to change their mind and to make them see reason.
- Our main objective needs to be, to think and learn to find long-term solutions again.

As an abused child, I carried bitterness, and anger foreward into my marriage. It has hurt others and myself so this article has certainly been a double blessing. Thank you. Jesus said to those that nailed Him to the cross in His prayer to God, "Forgive them" such a mighty example of love.

Thanks for your thoughtful article on forgiveness. I am 61 years old and still wrestling with my childhood and much of my adult life due to family issues and incidences of abuse--some of them deliberate, but many of them more like the product of what you describe in your article--done to me by people who were betrayed and forsaken in their own need as infants and children. What I have recently discovered is the rage that lay below the terror of those incidents. I have realized that the cries of an infant are experssions of their fear at what is happening, and if their needs are not met on that level, they progress on to rage at being treated thus, and then there can even be a progression on to a sort of terror of desertion, and in some instances, a final surrender brought on by exhaustion and infantile--but very real--feelings of hopelessness. I have come to regret every time I followed the experts' advice and let my first baby "cry it out." I didn't do that after the first child, and the rest of our children do not have the issues that she has had. There is more to it than that, I know, but still not recognizing the basic and perceived needs of babies and children is a key part to their growing up with underlying fear and anger that will be dealt with one way or the other. For instance, another thing I have learned is that chronic pain can be a way of the body's expressing remembered fear and rage, even trauma, that the mind is not able to consciously acknowledge. I was in my 30s and 40s before I remembered instances of rape and molestation in my childhood, but I was never able to "remember" the physical pain I felt at those times. However, my body has at last remembered, first through depression, and as my awareness increased, through back pain, leg pain and other types of chronic pain I have battled. My point is that whatever trauma we endure as children has occurred, it must be dealt with at some point or other or it will indeed be toxic to us our entire lives, perhaps bringing about the premature end of our lives through depression and/or the inflammatory response of our bodies, thus exposing us to disease.

How To Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You? I have been through a tough time where I have to learn to accept the fact that my ex-bf has cheated on me after our 10 years relationship without marriage. I was chased out from his old house when he bought a new house and decided to start a new life with another woman whom he met less than 3 months.

I fell in love with a man whom I thought was the most kind hearted man on earth. Although he is not highly educated, he is poor and we have nothing in common. It was the kind heart I appreciate the most. Thus I chose to stay loyal in this long term relationship which led me to nowhere but heartbroken and it almost snatched my life once. I investigated and I found out all the truth by myself.

I realised the existence of God during my tough time because I believe in God. He shows me the truth behind all my doubts. All the truth surfaced just like what I prayed for. I cannot imagine how I was able to live my life if without the guidance from God.

I am a Buddhist who believes in karma. I thought all that had happened to me was a karma and I have to pay back but it hurts me to think it this way. Thus I got to know about Joel Osteen. I kept listening to all his video from youtube. I read lots of motivational books from him and some from Joyce Meyer.

I prayed a lot to God although I am not a Christian, I prayed so hard and asking God to give me the strengths to lead my life everyday. Everytime I heard a sad song or I see a sad movie my tears running down from my cheeks. It really hurts.

But now we are still friends. I should thanked him if he didn't leave me and chase me out from his life I wouldn't find God and I wouldn't have faith in God to help me through in all my difficulties. I tried to end my life but Buddhism has taught me not to as it is a sin to end our life.

Christianity taught me to stay positive and have faith in God. I am so proud to share my past experiences and I hope we all should learn to forgive and slowly learn to forget and move on with life and always have hope that a better things have yet to happen in our life.

I hope one day I can write a book about my past experiences and how I came across with all the unexplainable incidents from spiritual world that came to my rescue and that's how all the truth surfaced.

I truthfully thank God for this experience. I think everything happens for a reason. Everything happens has taught us a lesson in life that we will never forget but it will definitely make us a stronger and a better person. What does not kill you make you stronger.

Live life with hope, forgive those who have hurt us as they have taught us to be wiser and stronger. Life is a beautiful struggle but it is worth living.

Joyce from Malaysia